Shift Change - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, January 10th, 2016, 3:24pm

Shift Change by Steve Meredith - Short, Drama - After witnessing her first death on an operating table, a young trauma unit resident learnes a valuable lesson from an unlikely ally - her typically callous boss. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Posted by: Nolan, January 10th, 2016, 4:42pm; Reply: 1

Hey Steve. Just a few quick things. You don't need to add the colon after everyone's name for dialogue. And you only have to capitalize someone's name upon introducing them in the script. After that you no longer need all caps for their names.

Posted by: AnthonyCawood, January 10th, 2016, 5:05pm; Reply: 2

Steve

I liked the idea behind this and the analogy with the coffee was clever.

But I think you should maybe try to make it a little more visual, maybe show the death or something, because as it stands it's just the two characters having a chat over coffee... not very visual.

Anthony

Posted by: stevemiles, January 11th, 2016, 6:06pm; Reply: 3

Steve,

I’d consider getting into the scene earlier -- is it important we see Liz enter and buy coffee? Would you lose anything by starting with her surprising Carrie at the table?

Other than that I felt the same way as Anthony -- it’s one character giving the other some advice. It feels flat, with Carrie largely just reacting to Liz. Carrie’s inexperience, the death of her patient, Liz’s drinking -- these are all potential points of drama, though as we're only told about them we're left with little impact.

Hope this helps,

Steve.

Posted by: RichardR, January 12th, 2016, 1:12pm; Reply: 4

Posted by: Marcela, January 15th, 2016, 6:56pm; Reply: 5

Interesting. I liked the first half. I struggled to follow the whole thing with coffee, cream and sugar, but perhaps that's just me. I didn't like it that much when the boss started talking in a patronizing manner. God I hate people who like to give advice and patronize! I think you can include a scene at the beginning from the operating theatre, when the patient dies.

Posted by: 24 Grams, January 19th, 2016, 6:08pm; Reply: 6

Steve,

First thing first, and to be honest I'm surprised no one else has mentioned this but cut out the parentheses. Don't tell actors how to act, but more importantly SHOW the character's emotions. Writing it in the parentheses is lazy and shows a lack of skill. If it an action, write it in the space for action...that's why it's there.

I found this short boring, you need to read some professional scripts and study them, because I don't think you have.

People RARELY ever say what they mean, especially when there's emotion behind it. Carrie isn't going to open up to someone she hardly knows in a few minutes. Most likely she would try to hide her emotions and tell Liz she's okay...think of dialogue as a game of chess, especially scenes like these. One character is trying to decipher what the other person means whilst at the same time concealing what really mean at the same time.

In addition to people not saying what they REALLY mean, they tend to be more honest with their body language.

Try this exercise: Write this scene again only this time, get straight into the scene (as others here are suggesting), cut out Liz handing over credit cards and having her card swiped unless it adds to the scene (like building tension).

But most importantly don't let Carrie tell Liz (and also us, the reader) what's wrong with her and have Liz realise what's going on but say it through subtext. In fact, imo to give the scene more substance get Carrie to act as if nothing is wrong with her in the first place, but communicate that something clearly is with her BODY LANGUAGE instead (wiping away tears from her eyes is too "on the nose" into. I guarantee this will make the scene more interesting.