The Dirtiest Man in the World by Aladdin Royaal - Short, Drama - Based on true events: A homeless man is dubbed the dirtiest man in the world. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Decent story here, though there's still som tidying/polishing needed... I saw a few missing 'of's for example.

The only bit that didn't work for me so well was the TV Reporter aspect, I'd like to see these elements shown rather than told to the audience, I think with a little inventiveness this could be achived.

Anthony

Aladdin,

Some notes.

this is a good idea that needs some development.  Tess seems too good to be true--you might consider giving her a different interest--perhaps she's a journalist?  And she does the same thing over and over.  Can you think of other things she can do to help Walter?

The info dump at the end is too much for me.  Doesn't work.  You might have that bit of info come out earlier so Tess can perhaps devise a waterless way to clean Walter?  The ending can still be the same....he dies, but the arc can change.

Best
Richard

A good read. Given it was set in Surry Hills I could set the scenes in my mind instantly.

I do like the premise and it could be re-worked into something even better.

Descriptions were too long in places, written like a short story and not so much a screenplay. Some things were redundant, eg- "hoping he will return for it".

There were numerous characters, even a Husband with a one, three word, line. .. not needed at all.

I liked Tess but yea, there seems no connection to why she would be so altruistic to this person. Maybe more development there, an estranged, long gone, homeless father perhaps.

A little nit pick for me... We are in Surry Hill, inner Sydney and Tess talks about a brother "across town".. I accept that as an expression, but then her mum is "a few towns over?". Not really how a Sydney-sider would speak. Maybe "a few suburbs away", but most likely "and my mother lives nearby in Kilara" something like that.

Good ending. But the whole reporter thing didn't do it for me. That's a whole lot of detailed research on a man no one actually knew anything about, had no family, not for at least 60 odd years anyway. Just wasn't plausible. Maybe if Tess befriends him enough to find out his condition... then the kids hose him.... then she sees a short follow up news report on the Dirtiest Man Alive, now dead after a schoolkid prank... that would work.

Good luck, there is something in this IMO.

Cheers

Chris