The Jesus Project by Richard Russell - Thriller - A Catholic Cardinal's effort to clone Jesus leads to unintended mayhem. 98 pages - pdf, format 8)

Read a couple dozen pages in and realized young boy is cloned Jesus? I had to go back and see what I missed. I think what busted it for me, or the missing link, is sucking DNA out of glass? I guess I didn't get all that and then the just-so-happens and coincidental by-the-ways that got to little Christopher, birthed by his mother Mary. Fell apart for me and wasn't a thriller.

Why would the church want to clone a baseball player from the 60's - Jesus Alou?

;)

Is this a Richard Russell feature? Of the board member?

If so, I believe, as a constant member who engages here, he deserves some more feedback.


Clorox, you realize you blast a big spoiler in your very first sentence here. One week ago I read into the script for 15 p sth. but I didn't come to the conclusion you made here? No problem, I just think this is a pretty big spoiler regarding the script's title.


I found the exposition exceptional inventive in its structure. Then I lost the overview a bit, but I'd definetely would read the whole script on a fresh attempt and state my opinion as I see it;
which could be partly hard to hear by you author, especially if it's an early draft and because I'm quite direct with pointing out the shortcommings from my personal view on things.

Well, at first, I'm interested what this is about anyway: How you came to write it? It sounds quite bold and risky, somehow also very marketable. Which draft is this? Which budget do you aim at...

The title is great imo. Enough said.

If you like to have a read, Richard, I'd look into this the next days.

Quoted from PrussianMosby Clorox, you realize you blast a big spoiler in your very first sentence here. One week ago I read into the script for 15 p sth. but I didn't come to the conclusion you made here? No problem, I just think this is a pretty big spoiler regarding the script's title. The title is great imo. Enough said.

I don't think it's a spoiler. I didn't read far enough to know for sure, so it was just a comment/question. It's pretty obvious anyway. Mom and baby's name and all that seem too on the nose for me. Why? I realize it's a second coming similar to the first. However, maybe ditch the names in the writing and I bet it changes, at least for me. I won't see Jesus' disciples in the desert or Mary giving birth because I don't think their names are mentioned, only Christopher's.

I read because OF the title, so I agree with you there.

As far as reading and giving more feedback, I tend to agree somewhat, however I explained what didn't work for me in the first 15, and for me there has to be something to keep me reading past that and there wasn't. The set up was pretty cool and I was expecting more of the same but it shifted from these two army dudes full of action and suspense to non-action and no suspense.

I read a novel about this very thing, a second coming of sorts, where a "Christ" was cloned, only it was the Anti-Christ.

If the Jesus project suceeds or not, and what happens then, seems to me the core of this play.

Your first sentence tells me a lot.

You read a lot of scripts and you comment on a lot of scripts. I won't judge you nor am I due to that. Things happen, wasn't meant personally.

All,

thanks for the feedback.  I'm sorry you couldn't find the wherewithal to finish the sp.  That says a lot about the how good the story is.  In any case, thanks for trying.  

Best
Richard

Hi mate, I haven't read this because it's fairly close to one of my own ideas.

From the comments though, it does seem your execution is off on this occasion. Suck it up and rewrite completely. I've written executions of ideas almost to entirety and scrapped them. It's just the way it goes.

Ever read Tom Robbins' first novel? Another Roadside Attraction? First thing I thought of (not the same premise or anything though).

As I go:

Page 3: I don't know if I'm grasping the tone correctly here, but this opening feels very light. Blake feels like satire.

Page 4: I don't buy that Blake doesn't recognize the possibilities for old scrolls in a cave in Iraq. He seems like a guy who'd get treasure on his mind.

Page 7: I'm really enjoying the scroll passing through different hands, but the characters are all a bit flat here. Heather, Ray, and the soldiers could use a bit more personality, I think. And/or a potential space to begin establishing theme, if that's a way you think about scripts. It all feels a bit perfunctory, I guess.

Page 9: The intro of Father Thomas (I'm assuming he's a main character) feels very familiar. There must be a more interesting way to introduce a man who's ideologically torn.

Page 15: A lot of plot and not much else. I'm enjoying the story but I'd love the characters to just feel a bit more alive -- an obnoxious comment, I know. I gotta run back to work now, but I like this one. I'm gonna read through ASAP.

Richard  - I read the first 20.

Title - Love it.

Logline - love part of it. Would like a little more rather than "untended mayhem"

The only real problem I found with the first 20 was Drake's dialogue - it was over the top stereotypical from start to end.  It really derailed some otherwise very nice story telling.

ASAP was longer than I'd hoped. Sorry.

Page 18: Change history. Are we meant to buy that as Goodman's main motivation? I don't know. I'd like him -- all the characters, in fact -- to have a more complex relationship to the enormous central premise.

Page 21: Given what major things are happening here, I don't feel like the stakes have been pushed all that high. There's no antagonistic force here - just sci-fi - and while that worked for the first eight pages or so, I still have a feeling at this point like we haven't really settled into the movie at all yet. The central characters don't feel all that driven, and the plot feels very linear and...hmm, just sort of breezes along. Waiting for a hook, I guess, that isn't the premise itself.

The birth of everyone's favourite Lamb is not very dramatic.

Page 24: The fact that Goodman's chosen to let him just grow up as a normal kid somewhere is confusing to me. I'm not writing it off, but I guess I don't understand what anyone's trying to achieve, at this point.

Page 25: Surprised to see the reveal of magic powers this quickly. No suspense?

Page 27: See, I would keep Sartok/the car as the first magic moment. Hold back the revelation about Christopher, front-load the threat of bad magic without a visible source -- that's where the suspense is.

Thomas' internal struggle isn't interesting until it's externalized as action. If he's struggling with faith, let's see him act on that.

Page 29: "Not overly sexy but not bad" stands out as neither necessary nor well written.

Four years have passed since Goodman witnessed magic? What is he doing?

Page 30: "Sure but it's not his fault" - I would think instead that Joe wouldn't even think of the possibility that it's Chris' fault. As well, Chris being at his own house is not very conclusive evidence.

Page 31: The moment with the schoolgirls is excellent. Very creepy, very suspenseful.

Page 37: Wow. Super harsh moment outta nowhere here. Since it doesn't have much meaning to the story so far - other than that Padre's not a nice guy - feels pretty unnecessarily unpleasant.

Page 40: "I'm sorry about your parents. Want some ice cream?" might be unintentionally funny. Goodman's also coming off a little clueless here.

Page 45: The Spearman sequence is lots of thrilling fun, but I don't really care about the guy. Might be worth bringing him back earlier. And, again, having a motivation and arc for him - an arc that this interrupts, sure, but an arc.

Page 46. I'm ending with the two slapstick Arabs. We can be generous and call it extremely lazy writing, but anyway, I'm out. For what it's worth, my family in Israel tends to spend more time at the mall than standing around in the sand shooting weapons for fun.

***

The good: the story is super ambitious and there are a ton of interesting elements that have been put together in a somewhat unusual way (the right amount of unusual, I think).

The bad: this kind of script requires a TON of research and I'm not sure that it has been done. But the main problem is that there is not a clear protagonist with a clear set of objectives driving the story forward. There's a lot of plot and no story, if that's a useful way to put it. Consider The Omen, which you're channeling here. There's a ton going on it, but it's a story about one guy. His choices start the story. His choices drive and eventually end the story. Your script here is plotted and peopled like an epic, which is awesome, but it still needs a central driving story and motivation.

Hope to check out something else by you, or a second draft of this.

The Omen... That was one hell of a script by David Seltzer.