Tic Tock Toe by Bill Sarre - Short, Drama - An elderly man plays tic tic toe with his granddaughter resulting in an unexpected outcome. - pdf, format 8)

The logline says Tic tic Toe... the title is Tic Tock Toe.... the game itself is Tic Tac Toe

Should be interesting ;D

All words leading to an English writer or least not American :D

I guess your 'Tock' is in relation to time, the main emphasis of the story.

This is very poignant and a beautiful story, a great relationship between grand daughter and grand pa..

Very well executed at the end..

Great job

The best one I've read so far. A real story that had game playing in it, but where it didn't feel forced. I have absolutely nothing to offer as far as story or writing goes. GREAT job!!!  8)

Poignant story about an old man who turns his bitterness into a productive end of life.  Very English.  Nice how it took a game to finally bring together this cranky geezer and his social outcast granddaughter.  Moved slow at times, and I do wish a bit more time was spent on his schooling her in the art of the game, but overall a good owc entry.

Very well done. One of my favorites thusfar. Perfectly executed. Doesn't go for cheap sentiment. Just tells the story in a way that makes the characters live. Familiar ground, but the game element keeps it fresh. Thumbs up.

I really liked the relationship between Rose and Sidney. Very well written dialogue. Great story, especially the ending. This is a great one!

Ooooo - so far, my favorite!  (Granted, I think I've read four?)  But this one...

...a very solid, professional written drama. I'm not *100%* sure that "keep losing" is the last line.  Other otherwise, absolutely no complaints.  Great stuff!  (FWIW: I'd throw in a *bit* more subtle flirting with Betty to foreshadow that particular twist...)

Cheers!

--Janet (W)

Writer,

Great script! I really enjoyed this. Good character arc for Sidney. The pacing was good, and nice wisdom imparted throughout from Sidney and Betty. I liked all of these characters. Not much else to say really. This is one of my favorites by a good margin.

Great work!

Steve

A heartwarming tale, written well. Very engaging from start to finish.  As I am an Australian, the writing and dialogue felt spot on and was very easy to read. Either a UK or Antipodean author for sure.

Not much more I can add.

Quality entry.

This is certainly going on my this of top scripts so far in this OWC, it was a fantastic read, written well and the dialogue was excellent. I'll have to agree with Wonkavite though about  the need of having a bit more flirting with Betty, but other than that I really have no issues with this, great work.

Yep, pretty good.

If I were you I'd specify a PRELAP with Sidney's first V.O. prior to his introduction. Was a little discombobulating, for me at least.
Nitpicking - but grandpas usually say 'young lady' don't they? Of course some wouldn't and it's just a suggestion to go with the characterisation.
Some nice humour with the old guy - liked him swearing and his candour - the young having something to teach the old and vice versa was deftly done. And the 'winning and losing' theme is always a good one, and topical too. Nice work.

P.S. Perhaps VIEWING ROOM or PREPARATION ROOM at the Funeral Parlour, instead of 'COFFIN ROOM' or maybe that's what it's called from where you hail?? I'm with cbead about writer origins but I'd say UK writer here. Not too many of us Aussies about and I'd say the general turn of phrase in dialogue etc. is geared that way.

Let's not forget though OWCs are typical for the writers throwing us off course and pretending they're something/someone they're not.

P.S. Ooh, hang on, I just realised Tim (Trojan) another Aussie has made a reappearance. I seem to remember a strong entry from him in an OWC going back a few years - A school reunion script which was really good. Just saying... I have no idea if this is his. Just mere speculation.  ;D

I don't understand what happened at the end. Time always wins, so keep losing. Winning isn't everything?

The set up is there for the protag to get her revenge on the bully but this doesn't happen. What does happen there? Why intro the bad guy if the bad guy is only there for a fleeting second. She could have simply told grandpa about the bullying without specifying a particular character. With the bully character actually being a visual aspect of this script, I'm left wanting to know what happened.

Aside from that, this is very well written. You can feel the old man's wisdom, so much so that this feels more about the grandpa than it does the girl. Probably written by one of the older members.

Excellent job. A real flair for this type of drama and beautifully written.

Let's get this out of the way: "To assemble the game she has to move a few belongings off the table."

*Spoilers*

So I'm mixed on this - not in terms of quality - but on who the protagonist is. Structurally, it's Rose. Thematically, it's Sidney. In the end, Rose is changed - her face clears up, she's got cool threads, probably a hot catch now. But did she earn it?

On the flip side, Sidney earned everything - his death and his present.

I loved the characterization! Rose gets bullied by girls who play sports and stuff, oh wait... just like you grandpa! Wow, that's a great display on perspective. This short excelled in the subtext dept.

Good short, one I feel needs some reshuffling of the deck.

Overall, it's a good story with a nice sentimentality to it.  Could pretty much spot the ending coming, but that's okay, as it was still executed nicely.  Probably could be shortened a couple of pages, and I wasn't exactly a fan of the dialogue, as it seemed forced in some places, but other than that, a good effort here.

My ratings (out of 5):
Concept: 4.5
Story: 4
Character: 4
Dialogue: 3.5
Writing: 4
Overall: 4.0

Good luck!
Gary

A few thoughts...

The Sidney VO threw me a little, is it meant to be in the first scene?

Characters are great and their interaction really well done, but the last couple of pages confused me, wasn't really sure what had happened.

But very well written and I think could work really well with some more work on the ending.

oh, by the way, if you wanted to be really clever with the title, it ought to be: "Tick Tock Toe" as the Tick Tock would better tie in with the time reference you hint at in the story.  Just a thought.

Gary

A strong effort here - a story that I wanted to complete.

These are nit comments:

Not quite sure the marriage to Betty works for me - it was kind of a hiccup given that there was little in the way of foreshadowing it. Maybe if there was more romance established earlier.

Would have like a little on the old mans relationship with Peter and what it meant to him at the end.

Like I said - nits - this was a solid effort.

Tick Tock Toe

Title: Cooky. Suits the story.

Premise: Potentially very strong. A little girl needs to overcome bullying by learning lessons taught be her tough Grandfather, and he learning how to live again through her struggle.

Unfortunately somewhat convoluted and weakened by an additional element: "Time passes" which came from a tertiary source and effectively undermined, rather than adding to, the core story.


Script:

Immediately one of the better I've read so far. Geography of the scenes is tight. Character introductions are immediate. Characters are clear and identifiable.

I wasn't totally sold on the first transition..."Of course I care". It's natural cinematic use would be to link the opening scene with a conversation between Rose and Sydney. Instead it felt weird because Rose wasn't part of the next conversation. The first amateur beat so far in the script.

Either transition straight to a convo. between Rose and Sydney from there, then introduce us to the Father, the Nurse and the hospital. Or just go traditional and see Rose and her Father entering the hospital. That dissolve you have at the moment doesn't work.

Sidney's dialogue is good.

I think Rosie would need a bit more coercion to talk about being bullied. There would be an accompanying sense of shame, in my opinion. If she was so comfortable in her own skin, that she could talk so candidly, I doubt anyone could bully her, no matter her skin condition.


By Page 7 The boring bone is starting to gnaw, just a touch.

Whose story is this?

Due to the introduction of Rosie at the start, I naturally identified with her, but she's been largely sidelined in favour of Sidney.

By page 11 I'm almost terminally bored. I've had to take the boring bone's chain off and rub him with rose-scented oil to try and calm him down.

It's quite well-written, but I'm just not emotionally involved enough. I don't think a huge fix is needed, but I'm feeling a distinct lack.

I need to feel more about Sidney's desires...either to escape the home, or achieve something before he goes. Or be more interested in Rosie's struggle with the bullies. Or, preferably both.

If it's Rosie's story, we need to see a LOT more about her. Her isolation, her pain, her harrowing treatment at the hands of her tormentors. The majority of it is about Sidney at present. Neither side of the story is strong enough to give it the emotional kick it requires.

Ending came out of nowhere really.  That VO was used oddly again as a cross dissolve transition. Didn't feel right.

Overall. Not for me. The parts are there, just not fully utilised or coherent, as yet.

The whole thing was essentially exposition. The whole story could be condensed to Betty telling Sidney one simple paragraph...that is the sole thing that caused Sidney's epiphany...and that shouldn't be the case.

Rose and the bullying was entirely pointless.

The real story should either be Rose learning to overcome the bullying with her belligerent Grandfather's unusual wisdom.

Or the Grandfather overcoming his bitterness and learning to live and love again through Rosie's bold, honest struggle against bullying.

Or both. Rosie reawakens her Grandfather, he stiffened her resolve and teaches her wisdom. They both come back to life.

Those aspects are all there, but they're not quite shining through yet.

The "Time passes" thing introduced by Betty undermines the story. The wisdom Sidney receives should come from Rosie and then he uses that to talk to Betty.


Worth rewriting with a bit more focus on what's really important to the story.


Good effort. Tough premise for a OWC...and that showed...but still a very noble effort.

I thought it was pretty good.  One of the better ones.  

Biggest complaint was that it's pretty slow.  Cut a page or 2 and make it stream-line...

That's my only complaint...

7.5/10

Warm-hearted, charming story of triumph over the failures. It burned slow as incense I'm afraid but, this writer (as I've come to know) has found that golden template for every single theme thrown at them.

Well done, beautifully written.

This was well written and I think with a few polishes could be made even better.

It felt like there was a bit of a tonal shift from the point where Rose left and Betty told him about the guy who died. Sidney was portrayed as very set in his ways and that seemed to change too easily at this point. I don't know if I buy that an 80 year old man is going to suddenly realize the importance of time based on this one event, as he'd likely be used to people he knows passing away by now.

Seeing small degrees of change in a character typically is more believable than large change, so the whole getting married thing didn't really fit with the character or the story, at least IMHO. You have a scene where Sidney eats supper alone. I think it would have been fitting to show how he grows by then showing him eat supper with Rose. It'd be enough to show how he has softened and is embracing his situation, and is more plausible without having to jump forward in time to his funeral.

I would have liked to have seen Rose show her own growth by dealing with her bully in some way, using the wisdom Sidney imparted. This would be more satisfying and meaningful than simply showing her to have grown out of her awkward phase, where we don't know how much time has elapsed.

Overall though this was a solid story and a good job for this challenge.

Some notes.
The opening isn’t necessary.  Rose isn’t going to meet these girls again, and we’re not going back to this location.  Open up in the nursing home and get on with it.
I like Sydney.  He’s the curmudgeon you find in nursing homes.  Cranky and crusty.  Betty works too.  The games don’t seem to me to be all that telling.  The death is.  Time wins…Time and gravity.

I’m not fond of the voice over at the end.  Explains too much and doesn’t add to the last scene.  But then, I’m generally not fond of losers.  

Overall, a good effort involving multiple generations.  I’ll buy it.  

Best
Richard

Good start. I liked -

Quoted from Tic Tock Toe Rose hurries out doing her best to blend in with the tarmac.

I remember those days. One of the better lines I've read of late. I must remember it so I can nick it later.

The prelap with Sidney's VO threw me for a minute. Still, I can get confused with the remote for the TV. It'd work on film, the prelap I mean, not the remote. I tried that in the cinema, nothing happened. The batteries might be going.

It's quite good. I think the ending could be better. But I liked the overall tone.

R

Aside from the rare typo, missing word, and pre-lap written as a VO, there isn't really much I would change. This is my favorite of the two I've read so far.

There's one actor who would have been perfect for Sidney, but he died yesterday. I could totally imagine Abe Vigoda in the role. Maybe Robert Duvall?

Not much more I can add. I didn't notice the title was "Tic Tock Toe" or anything like that until Irish Eyes pointed it out.

9/10

Tic Toc Toe

Another slow drama. Definitely the prefered genre of this challenge. Perhaps this is why I am so amazed by the quality this time, because, if simplyscripts has one thing to offer for sure, then it is having excellent drama writers IMO.

The win lose dialogues are partly overwritten and repetitive. The plot feels, as many others does, to me, like watching a reality tv show only with "normal" people doing things. The turn and message (liked it) then comes quite late. I really read a lot scripts with an equal structure this owc. And, the characters, here again, are just so extraordinary and emphatic, that this is another

B+

for me

Excellent characters. I believe to cut the story to its essence would blossom it even more. Don't be too slow.

Margaret LaRue,

I enjoyed this one. A nice, touching story that, even though it deals with death, makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. Really well written and the story was handled with care. Great job!

Best of luck,

Glenn.

Thanks all for the reads.

I appreciate all the feedback.

General comments seem to be;

Initial VO doesn't work - point accepted

Bit slow. Bit dull on the screen. I think it has this weakness but hopefully through the photography, music, cutting etc it could be 'jazzed' up - but I will also have a think on this one. Almost needs a ticking bomb - not literally - to add tension

Confusion in the ending - the theme behind this is acceptance. Sidney strives to win and thus alienates himself from the world. Rose is the classic teenage loser, not seeking to win, or more likely resigned herself to losing. Chalk and cheese. So, the conclusions aim is to show how Sidney benefitted from accepting loss, but perhaps rose had benefit from being shown how to play, how to win, to take part.

It's almost a snap shot of what we can learn from playing games - losing, wining, taking part, the struggles etc

I like setting this against time which we'll inevitably lose to, but at the same time have taken part.

Yet, in considering an after life Sidney wanted to take the catalyst with him - the game - as a reminder to let things be.  Accordingly Rose's message is to effectively stress he was a better man when he accepted losing. It's the interaction of time winning and him losing that is confusing and I get that, like there re two different messages. I have slightly changed this but will have a think on this one.

Once again thanks, and thanks to don for hosting these.

One of my favs of this OWC

Great Job Bill