Solitare by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - A troubled loner is about to get a second chance. And maybe more. - pdf, format 8)

Not sure what to make of this one. At first it read like a decent enough script with the game theme shoehorned in at the last minute. And that's, of all card games, solitaire. When the date happens, the couple play Chutes and Ladders instead. That's all there is here, although perhaps Randy uses card games for introductory puposes, and the Chutes and Ladders to score with women.

That's what I''m getting from this. After all, why else would you waste a page on Randy getting up in the morning, making coffee and watching the sun rise (I'm assuming that's what he was doing-you lost me on the 'red ring' part. what red ring?)

Again, not a bad effort, writing is fairly good.
But I'm not into it for some reason. Maybe it's just me.

Well written and decent dialogue.

I didn't really get the premise. Amy seems enthusiastic enough to ask him on a date. We see a lot of Randy cleaning and coiffing which doesn't really a add a lot the to story IMO.

Where I thought the kicker was coming was the conversation about Randy's kid and Amy's reaction. Now this story just got really interesting... The plot climbed a tall ladder!

Is Amy so desperate for a man she can now just let that slide? All  that great conflict seemed to go down the chute!

I think the development of 'why can't you see your kid' aspect could really improve the story.

A touching, understated portrait of two people, presumably kind of lost in life. I thought the renaming of Solitaire by Randy, Patience, and Amy's choice of games, Chutes and Ladders, struck just the right symbolic note.

You have an instinct for how much to tell and what to leave out. I admire that.

I like how Amy kind of walks Randy through everything, like "Are you gonna invite me in?"

I would imagine that Amy, having a daughter, would have played Chutes and Ladders with her.

I thought we were going to get some information about Randy later when he said "I'm not ready yet." I felt disappointed when I got to the end and I never found out what he meant.

Hi writer,

Another slow burner but, I liked it. It's woven with all the right elements to make a Hallmark moment.

I get the sense that Randy, a returning veteran, has been deemed unfit (by the forces that be) to see his daughter, not custody... just see her. First they build him up, then they tear him down. That, unfortunately, is not fiction... and that's what gives this story a real world feel.

Of course Amy has her story too, however, we'll just have to imagine it for now.

You're not the first to say "Chutes and Ladders" in a script here but, I've only ever known that game as "Snakes and Ladders"... strange.

Great story, good writing, solid effort.

Writer,

Clean writing here. Nothing that really jumps out at you, but I don't think that's the intention with this. Reads more like an awkward love story, focusing on Randy, who clearly has his issues. It's foreshadowed so you left out much unnecessary exposition. In the end it lives up to its logline, delivering a glimmer of hope to a troubled man.

Overall, pretty good understated effort.

Steve

This was a pretty simple, but solid, little story.

I do think the characters, especially Amy, could have been fleshed out a little more, so that we could see what her need is and how Randy could potentially help solve this need.

Writing was pretty strong and overall I thought this was a good entry.

My opinions...

Think this is a Brit writer, I grew up knowing it as Patience too... could be wrong.

This is a little deceptive as not too much happens and a lot is left unsaid and unexplained... but that's its charm and I liked it, loved the final line too.

Good effort here.

This was a pleasant, understated little tale, but it could have dug much deeper into its two leads.  When we first meet Randy, there's no mention of how cluttered his house is, which is presumably a metaphor for his life.  Later, as he prepares for his date, he's taking bags and bags of this junk out to the curb.  I think the setting should have been more clearly described, as it would give us an insight into how he's barely hanging on.

Nice touch having them play a child's game at the end, but there was plenty of space left in the script for them to bare their souls to each other.  Felt like they were just scratching the surface.  

An easy read due the great writing on hand.

The storyline is simple, I liked how Amy made the first moves very sweet.

I think some peeps try to look for a dramatic twist as an ending and forget that something heartfelt and simple is just as effective in terms of story telling.

Kudos to the writer

Great job

First a couple of minor notes:

Quoted Text Outside, a ratty screen door bangs against its frame in the rustling wind.

A nit since I saw what you wanted me to - but the above probably requires a different scene heading. (you moved from INT to EXT)

Reading on - I think you can just eliminate the above - it does nothing for the story.

When Amy first comes to Randy's table the tone is kind of don't bother me. When Amy asks about Saturday night he is all of a sudden at the level of a school boy with a crush. If he was so smitten with Amy, wouldn't he have paid more attention to her the first moment she paid attention to him - i.e., when she first came over?

Love the ending line from Amy.

So - a low tone, subtle one here - I am found with that. I do think you need two games to make this work - one would do the trick.

I would like a little more on why is it that Amy is attracted to this fella.

God effort for one week.

I thought it was a bit boring and too overwritten.

Too much stuff with nothing that furthers the plot happening in it.  It feels like the writer had to put stuff in just to reach the page limit.

The game had no bearing on the story at all...

Sorry, didn't feel this at all...

5/10

Solitaire

Connection with loner in the logline sounds wise, let's see...

Quite liked that. Had atmosphere.

As a story  it lacks a little as there is quite a lot we don't know, and to a degree, stuff that we probably should know to make final sense of it all. Eg what he did in the army and why he can't see his daughter.

I appreciate that we don't need it all. He could, after all, just be a loner estranged from his family, but here we have a reason that's left hanging.

But I liked the sense of isolation. The sense of life as a chore and a struggle. Two folks trying to get by. I also like she makes the move. If this was a feature you'd probably want to see him do something to warrant that, but here we don't have much time.

Like most OWC the scripts this time feel like they will benefit from the hindsight and review. This one stands out as being a story that could be developed.

Nice work.

Some notes.

This one is pretty good from my point of view.  Randy has his issues.  Amy is searching for something too.  She manages to get him to do something for her, for the idea of being with her.  That’s good.

I was expecting a macabre twist at the end, but I wasn’t so disappointed when it didn’t happen.  And there was just enough hinting at his past that made him a mystery.  As in most cases, less is more in this instance.  I sorta wish we had the same amount of info on her.

Overall, a well constructed little story.

Best
Richard

This is a pretty lean script in terms of descriptions and I like that. I think Patience would be a better title considering it's what Randy calls Solitaire, and although I see why Solitaire was picked I think patience would work equally well.

That said, this little story has not much of an arc. No conflict of any sort. Randy goes through his daily solitary routine and happens to luck onto a date with the waitress. Besides showing up late, there are no problems with the date, and they get along well at the end. It's rather boring.

I think starting off by establishing Randy is a vet, and separated from his daughter would help the plot instead of keeping it as a reveal for the end. Establish his character a bit more, set up his story some. Have him earn a date with the waitress instead of her falling into his lap. Something more has to happen on the date besides her just being late.

Sorry, there just isn't much of a story here. And what is, is pretty cliche. Down on his luck guy lucks into girl etc.

Maybe flip it around? Have the waitress be the lonely one and see this story from a woman's perspective? You don't see that as much. Maybe have the ex call on the date and Randy chooses to hang up on her to focus on the waitress? (ahem, Swingers)

I liked the writing. Got a certain quality to it, like my dancing.

Chutes and Ladders? We obviously move in very different circles.

Meandered along quite nicely. I was gonna complain about the ending, but it's growing on me. About the best I've read so far. Now, I'll be over there practicing me moves in the corner.

R

Terrific final line which clinches it for me as a fine read... great engineering of the perfect sweet spot via a final line of dialogue.

However, that's the reading part. On screen I don't think there'd be enough story and I'd be likely to say: what, is that it? And feel disappointed.

I'm of two minds but I think to make this story great/satisfying, we need to see Amy having difficulty getting to Randy - and intercut with Randy watching the clock, looking sad, forlorn etc. Regardless there needs to be more 'shown' drama imh, as at the moment everything is after the fact, and she 'explains' it all.

It was lovely to read and subtle in its approach, you've definitely got writing chops, but gimme just a bit more in the middle. You did have another three pages.

One little nitpick: 'It's pretty 'entailed' doesn't read right to me. Did you mean 'detailed'? Something can entail a lot, but otherwise 'it's pretty detailed'. JMH.

Really enjoyed this one.

Thought to myself during the read - title change - "Patience". But I like "Solitare" better because it fitting of Randy. Speaking of Randy, I also thought to myself during the read that Randy could be the best character of this OWC.

He's a true loner and, unlike other workaholics who pride themselves in shitwork, Randy does it to kill the time - Solitare personified. In turn, this gives Amy the shoe-in to catch the reader slightly off guard. Their exchange at the diner was a welcome one, and wouldn't have worked if Randy gave a hint of lowering his callused poise.

I won't say I didn't like the end, because it's clearly obvious this was the only conclusion the writer ever intended for the story. However, the introduction of a new game felt forced for two reasons 1) it's a extreme shift in tone 2) it exist to set up the last line of dialogue. Yes, Chutes and Ladders was tied into Amy's metaphor of life, but I feel this could be achieved with another game.

This was also notably well written, and a pleasure to read from my comments above. There's a few filmable shorts so far in this OWC, and this is one of them hands down. Outstanding!

Code Several workers perform their tasks...

Who else's tasks would they be performing? Even if it were allocated to somebody else and they were doing it, it would still be their task now.

What are they anyway? Kitchen workers? I've worked in kitchens plenty of times. I've fixed electrics, put up walls, false ceilings... Never as a cook or a cleaner.

Code RANDY Patience.

Where I come from (and I've played a lot of cards) Patience was the name we used when playing Solitaire with two or more players.

Code It's Amy, wearing a pretty black dress and a sweater.

A sweater? Here, sweaters are jumpers. Not usually the type of thing a woman would wear with a dress.

Code AMY Oh my God, Randy... I am so sorry.

Don't worry about it... it's only a sweater. We can soon get that off ;)

Code He pushes open the door for her.

Who else would he pushing open the door for? Be very careful of this type of overwriting.

Code She steps in and immediately surveys her surroundings.

Obviously it is immediate because she does it right away. Immediately is unnecessary.

This script needs an edit. I'm not going to point out any more. Juts be aware that this type of thing is throughout the script.

Code RANDY Yea, if you want to. I'll have to get a deck of cards. It's a one player game, but I can...

How selfish. There are rules for two or more players. I've played quite a lot of cards in my life, far more than most. Cribbage is one of my favourites because it takes calculation as well as luck. Sometimes, calculation beats luck. I was going to write a story about Gin Rummy, the title would have been Djinn Rummy. But aside from the pun, I didn't get any other ideas.

This one has taken ages to build up. This could have started with the waitress ringing the doorbell and the characters meeting at his flat/apartment. So the first 5 pages aren't needed.

Now we're on snakes and ladders.

Code RANDY They say this game mimics life. Ladders, chutes. Up, down. Everything by chance.

Wow, this guy is so deep <<< sarcasm.

Code AMY You really believe that? That everything in life happens by chance?

Well, I suppose they suit each other.

Ew... a crappy romance. After all that. I'm really disappointed. I read through all of that, for that. Not impressed.

AND... I think I might know who wrote this one!  One of the breeziest, slickest reads I've read this OWC.  Beautifully done - a simple, heartfelt drama.  Definitely a recommendation in my book.

It's also the very first submission that I don't have a single typo note for.  My only rec at all - maybe even make Randy seem even more lonely.  Though you already do a great job at that.  Kudos!!  :)))

Solitaire

Skillfull presented slow drama.

Some edges of the characters could be developed further; although I like it the way it is, especially for its patience with storytelling.

B+

This was well written.

The characters were likable. The dialogue between them was almost perfect IMO.

The only beef I have is that it was slow like a lot of dramas and I do not think the end paid off for me.

Almost needed more expo or something. Or some contrast...ups and downs..jerk the audience around with hope and let downs or laughter and tears.

Great writing on display here ...someone who's mastered the craft for sure.

Good job.

We call solitaire patiens in Swedish too, so I knew what that was.

I thought this was was well written and the dialogue was good, but the story was just a little too...not sure what the word is here. If I were to explain it with colors, I would say it was some sort of gray. IMHO, it was a mistake to not work the daughter info a little more. I wanted to know why he's considered not ready to meet his daughter yet. Ah, now I know what I meant with gray. There was no drama/conflict here really. The script needs to make me feel something. No matter how well written, I want some sort of experience from a story. Something to remember it by.

So, good job, even if it didn't have any effect on me.