What Passes Through by Richard D. Kinsella - Short, Drama, Supersnatural Thriller - An overprotective Mother must try to protect her daughter, but how do you protect her from something that's not supposed to be real? - pdf, format 8)

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Don

A few thoughts

I think this is overlong, sort of drags out what is I think fairly clear from early on in the script.

Also odd that we've had so many cancer scripts this time.

However I think if this was 4 or 5 pages less than there's a reasonable story in here.

Decent effort

Love the title and wow on the logline. Very mysterious leaves me wanting to read. Good job.

the lunatic, or the busy mother ..... omg hopefully not all busy mothers are lunatics(even though we all deserve valium or xanax) ;)

Sometimes words like tramps and treads slow the read down. It's hard to visualize the script while reading if you keep stopping to reread sentences.

In the V.O. try to stay in the same tense throughout the V.O.s. (I think would be best, not sure though)

One note, I'm on page 4, and I have not seen a board game or a game at all yet.

Oh ok..mention of a game on page 5. :)

On page 10 when we are watching from the inside hall window .... then you have the neighbor talking with Maja...if we can hear and see them you need a different slug I think unless the hall window is open and we are hearing them from the entity's POV. May want to make it more clear.

Ok done..pretty good story. Needs trimming down. Get to the story faster. And I think a cool twist on the end would help some. It felt flat as is. Maybe after we realize that Abigail is dead ....we see either Abigail or the entity again or they become one whichever. I never really understood if the entity was the same as Abigail. I did like the creepy description though of the entity and it coming inside was a 'turn the heat up' moment in the script for me and I found myself reading faster through it at that point.

Really good job.

I liked the twist at the end, just took a bit long to get there.  The Acheri was effectively used as this unstoppable antagonist that was going to get Abby no matter what the mother did.  Haunting ending, you really felt for the mother.  Overall, a solid effort.  I'm just surprised at how many hide and seek and/or cancer scripts showed up in this owc.

I really like the writing, as others mentioned it could use a bit of trimming. But built the tension and kept me interested.

I pretty well thought I knew the ending when Maja spoke early about taking Abi to the hospital all the time and it seems like a dream. I was hoping for a different ending I suppose, but my first instinct proved to be right. Maybe think about re wording that to make it less obvious?

But there is a good story here and I think would translate well to film.

Good to see the link to the script did eventuate to become a reality, unlike poor Abigail :-)

I enjoyed it, but, it took too long to get there.  The twist was good.  But, now, I'm not sure what the entire premise was about.  It was the sort of reveal that makes the entire story pointless.

The game had no real bearing...

5/10

Very nice spooky 'The Others'  vibe to this but too drawn out to the point you didn't quite nail it for me.

Suggestion: Cut a lot of the V.O. and start the game straight away,  


A Brit writer definitely with 'Mum', and the reference to Christie - unless you're going for a clever misdirection.

Formatting seems a bit funky here, with the page numbers being very close to the top of the page. Not sure if you're formatting this yourself or using software.

Story idea was interesting and the execution could be tightened up somewhat to improve it.

The dialogue of the mother seemed a bit over the top at times, but she was crazy, so maybe it fit.

The descriptive writing her was particularly strong. Each scene that I entered was beautifully crafted - I knew exactly where I was in the writer's mind.  I love when that happens.

I  think the premise is a strong one and one that will resonate. The loss of a child - is there anything worse.

The game was completely integrated into the story - nice.

I did find it about two pages two long. I think a little snipping here and there will make for a crisper read.

Was this a typo?

Quoted Text MAJA You were so perfect, I suppose I had a fear that something MUST be wrong. Stupid I know. I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing her. It’s because I love you, do you understand?

Should it be losing her or losing you?

Solid effort.

Some notes.

This one didn’t move me.  I thought it had real possibilities when she was chasing the acheri, but it ended poorly for me.  A mom out of her mind with grief.  

If you’re going to use the neighbor, you don’t need the envelope.  The neighbor will give us all the info we need.

I think the search was overlong.  We don’t need her going through every room.  A few will do.  We’ll get the picture.


Best
Richard

I really like this and I (seriously) did not see the end coming. I thought you were going to script in that Maja’s psychosis stemmed from the fact she was previously abducted by The Acheri or, through folklore believed it to be a truth.

Nor did I realize Abigail was not actually there till Edith came about to calm her down. The reveal, via the dusty letter, is superfluous in respect to what Edith says IMO.

Solid script, works well for this challenge. A consider from me...

THE ACHERI... had to google that ;D scary little shits.

I enjoyed this, the writing was very good kept the story moving at pace.

I kinda figured what was going on when Maya started to talk in past tense... you were so perfect... also the mentioning of the Hospital.

The Acheri added a nice little dimension and the grieving Mother comforted my the neighbor was also a welcome touch.

One of the better entires for sure.
Has all the wording of a Brit or Irish writer... cupboards in the bedroom gave that away ;D

Writer,

Not a bad script at all. I think you tipped your cards way too early with the Acheri, and might have used it wrong. From what I understand, the Acheri comes to take children away -- which it did, although Abigail was SPOILER already gone. By having Maya see the Acheri in the house takes away most of the suspense you were trying to build up. Maybe having it only appear earlier would be the way to go here. That said, I've seen this type of script before many times so you're not breaking any new ground here but

Overall a decent effort and good writing.

Steve

What Passes Through

Title: Not bad. Almost nostalgic, relevant to the script, and also with a nice double meaning...the thoughts passing through the main characters mind, and also a reference to both human passing, and perhaps even the Acheri.

Premise: Pretty good. A woman who half thinks that her daughter is in danger from some kind of Supernatural entity, but is really suffering from some mental breakdown caused by her daughter's death.

There's more you can get out of the premise than you've quite managed here. There's a level of the script you haven't successfully developed yet. The idea that this poor woman is continuously stuck in a perpetual game if hide and seek, looking for the daughter that she can never find. Its there, but it's too subtle.


Script:

There are some ways this could be improved quite easily, that would improve it significantly.

1. Cut the opening. Go immediately into the game of Hide and Seek between the mother and daughter...but in the back garden. The mother sees the Acheri there, and hurries the daughter inside. You can trim some of the VO, but the necessary exposition should probably take place up front, whilst she's searching for her child. It will suit the mood of the rooting through trees.
2. End the script in the same place. With the mother looking in the garden for her daughter. She sees her in the distance, but then the image coalesces into the image of the Acheri, thus establishing that either they are one and the same, or at least that the mental memory of her daughter has become irrevocably entwined with the her mental image of the Acheri.
3. Consider cutting the part about the hospital, or at least the part about it feeling like a dream.
4. Dispense with the old lady. She's not necessary. By getting rid of her you also make the woman more isolated, and make the story more poignant...and I think...more conceptually interesting (the whole thing takes place in the main character's world). It also avoids the hint of a plot hole that this woman would have been committed to a mental hospital.
5. Improve the scares with the Acheri. Invent a couple of ones that are a bit more frightening. Original if you can, but just a little more punchy if you can't.
6. Have it so that the Acheri is getting closer and closer to the house every time she sees it (before it's inside). Up to the point it's literally looking in the window as she shuts the curtains. This will create a dramatic tension, and a sense of a ticking clock, with almost zero effort.

Do all that and you've got the woman stuck in a perpetual cycle of loss as she continually seeks the daughter she can never find, and she hasn't even got the solace of the memory of her, it's all mixed up with her idea of the Acheri. Quite poignant.

That would be enough to take it to another level, and they're all really simple fixes.

To make it absolutely shine you'd need to build our sympathy more with the relationship between the mother and daughter, which isn't really easy. It may even get into the territory of diminishing returns, by which I mean you'll spend time and script length trying to build something that won't work anyway and may weaken what you already have.

If you could do it though, you'd get the double whammy of feeling sorry for the mother, and being upset that the child is dead.

You'd have a really nice mix of good quality creeps and strong emotional drama.

Going to be a little tricky to get that celestial line-up just right.  ;D

I think I know who wrote this. If so, it's one of your better ones, IMO.

I liked it and I've read some of the previous comments. I would say that Rick's comments were very good. I just can't type that much. That's like the amount of comments I would come up with for a feature! Listen to them though. They were good.

The only thing that stopped me in my tracks was at the very beginning when Maja starts going on about how she used to take Abigail to the hospital all the time. It literarily put the brakes on this. Maybe wait with that info until later or break it up some. Right now it's like action and then a complete stop for some exposition.

Other than that, great job!

Oh, and I too looked up the Acheri. Awesome creature for using in a script! Never heard of it before. 8)

On reading this a second time I realized I was wrong about my first impression -- that it takes too long to get to the destination I expected (in one form or another).
The second time around, the atmospherics moved to the forefront, and I enjoyed it much more. The writer employs a sad, ethereal tone that drifts on a line between the real world and something else. I appreciate the result.

Supersnatural thriller?  Giggle.  Not at the story - just the log-line typo.

All kidding aside, this is in my top five or so.  Well written - haunting.  Granted, I saw the ending coming.  But it still worked for me...  :)  

Following are a few notes, hope these help to polish the script for the teeny, tiny, absolutely minuscule amount it needs:

p. 1 Has the look of the lunatic or the busy mother (nice phrasing)
p. 1 Needless to say, the sun and moon juxtaposition throws one off, but I’m sure it has to do with the story, so…
p 2: Wouldn’t Abigail respond with SOME answer about who she’s been playing with, even if it’s “no-body”?
p. 9: I DO like the visuals – but at this point, I think you can stop writing “mottled grey” for every description of the Acheri… especially if the result is removing an orphan…
Okay – admittedly, I was really expecting the ending… but it still worked.  One question: how does the moon and sun play into this?

What passes through

Have to say this reminded me of a treatment you take before a colonoscopy :-(

The writing style is quite passive in parts - take the first line with its noticeably  followed by a dramatically etc - which suggests someone still learning the script format etc since this could be tightened and crisper, of course...until I'm proven wrong....but I liked the premise. Nice.

I agree it had an 'others' type vibe (that was set in my home island by the way).

I have said this before with other scripts in this OWC, but this has some real potential that post OWC could be developed.

The delusional mother, after the loss of a child, has been done many times. Your challenge is to find a different angle. Edith, does jump in at the end without any other purpose other than to explain - one to link in a bit better, round it off.

Nice tone, got something.

Told with a solid voice, I somehow wasn't able to get the pacing on this. Just like the title, the story felt like it passed through too quickly. The setup implies there will be answers, yeah we got a psychological twist, but I wanted to see what Maja will do to battle it.

The Acheri thing is actually creepy as shit, and had no shortage of tension. Nice quirk with the door locks. It's a story with a genuine vibe, and could be really good if explored further in the same tone and genre.

The VO probably should go toward the beginning too so it's consistent. I was caught off guard there, even so, the dialogue was still good. Other than the pace, I liked it. Good Job!

Code Both the Sun and the Moon...

It being both of them is obvious. 'Both' is unnecessary.

Code Maja gratefully receives her and ushers her inside.

Huh?

Code Maja stares out at the other child as she shuts the door. It steps away from her gaze and disappears into the shadows.

The door steps away?

Code MAJA I'm overprotective, I know. I Always have been. When you were younger, I used to take you to the Hospital all the time. It seems like a dream now. I can't remember what I thought was wrong, but I wanted you checked for everything. You wouldn’t believe how many tests you had.

Unrealistic dialogue.

Now it's getting boring. The VO kills it for me.

What Passes Through

Okay, at some point I got where this is going. I'd prefer if Maja had some more interaction with Abi and that it rather shows what she's thinking. The dialogue could have an acurate cutback. It's partly repetitive, especially within the long blocks.

So, more creativity in case of Maja's living with a kid which just exists in her mind, I'd suggest.

Otherwise you accomplished a solid structure yet and an expandable concept.

Solid quality overall

C+

Michael Druce,

Another pretty strong entry. Felt this one was weakened by some unrealistic dialogue. However, the story was strong and the ending definitely surprised me. Well done on that. I'd imagine this would be a pretty creepy film to watch.

Good stuff.

Glenn.