Outcall by Chris Beadnell - Short, Comedy - This elderly widower pays the agency a handsome amount for his needs to be frequently fulfilled.  The new girl is about to show him real value for his money. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Chris:

First, I really enjoy your writing style. Always and easy and very visual read. You do a great job of painting the picture in the least amount of words possible.

I like the premise of this story very much.

Quoted Text INT- LOUNGE- DAY

Lounge - is that a brit thing? In US lounge is typically associated with a bar.

Your missing some commas in places. e.g.,

Quoted Text BAMBI Hi darling. Are you John?

Should be comma before darling

Quoted Text BAMBI Sure am honey. My first week with this agency

Should be comma before honey.

Quoted Text Bambs, a fuck up!! Sent u wrng addr. Shld b 24 Barker St not Parker St. Client John not happy. Can u b there by 7? Sorry!

I would just say client rather than client john to avoid confusion with your main character John.

Nice job.

Interesting. I Enjoyed the story.

My only problem with this is the super imposed texting. This is usually a turn off for many directors. It's just something about making the audience read, which in your case is a lot of information, that turns viewers away. Especially since this is crucial to the plot.

I would suggest presenting this information with less writing (Don't want to read much when I watch something) or come up with something different like a voicemail.

Chris,

I enjoyed the read. Good writing. The kind I like. Fun story too. My only complaint is that the reveal is quite obvious very early on. If you could somehow keep us from knowing where this is heading, you'd have much more of a punchline at the end.

Good job though.  8)

Thanks folks for the read and the constructive comments.

Dave, 'Lounge' is an Aussie (maybe also Brit) universal shortened term for Lounge Room aka Family room or TV room. I am a shocker for missing commas in the right places, I always seem to miss a few even after every proof read.

Cheers. Chris

Chris, just want to say (I'm Aussie too) but I always stipulate LOUNGE ROOM or LIVING ROOM in a slug - the word 'lounge' can also act as a verb or noun, or as a compound verb or in the case of LIVING ROOM as an adjective. Look at it this way, you might call the room a SITTING ROOM but you're not going to write the slug: INT. SITTING - DAY. That'd read a bit daft.

Chris,

Cute little story. Definitely agree with Pia that you gave up the reveal too early. A little misdirection goes a long way, I guess. But this was fun. A pretty smooth read, though it can be trimmed a little. But otherwise good.

Steve

Thanks Libby, I can see how that is confusing for a slug. Strangely enough in another script I have had recently added on here I wrote Lounge Room in the slug... Must have been lazy with this one.

Also have changed the slug from Shower to Bathroom in a recent update.

Steve and Pia, well noted. I was wondering if it was obvious or not...was hoping the audience still thought he was receiving adult services, and that was what he had intended...just that this new girl was a bit further, ie showering with him. I will rework that as it is imperative for the reveal to be in the last minute of the script.

Thanks again all.

Chris,

Nice little comedy, but I think you can push it further. There is no reason not to go for broke here.

I don't think you need the text message at all.  Just have Bambi start out.  

And try to work in her name when she gets to the house.  "I''m Bambi"  Good enough.

Give Bambi something more than 'dear'.  If she's a pro, then she has a patter--tiger, muscles, big-eyes--whatever comes to mind.  

And you can push John a bit too.  Give him some lines that make it funnier.  "Oh, that thing hasn't worked in years."  "You have magic lips, Bambi, magic."  "Wait, wait, take a picture."  You can think of more.  "The usual girl uses her tongue."

Save the reveal for the end...

Best
Richard

LOL. This story worked for me. I didn't know until the end what the reveal was going to be. I agree with the others that the text messages are not the best option. Perhaps Bambi can receive two calls from her 'manager'?

Hey Chris,

I actually enjoyed this one, though I was kinda cringing at the sight/thought of an 81 year old, in the shower, getting rubbed-and-tugged, etc. I'd maybe cut that stuff down to maybe just a massage. But that's just me. I did smile at the enema bit.

I had no problem with the text messaging, but I feel like a few phone calls, especially the one revealing the plot twist at the end, would be funnier than reading a text message. Not a big deal to me.

Overall, the writing was decent. It was easy to read, but I felt you could've been more economical with your words. And there were a few other things:

Quoted Text FADE IN: INT. APARTMENT- DAY BUZZ. BUZZ! iPhone flashes. SUPERIMPOSE TEXT MESSAGE: 24 Parker St. 2hr. Shave Enema Massage. Pd in full CC. 100 tip! Client John. 5pm. 54369901.

How do we know we're in an apartment if we're just looking at a cell phone. Maybe mention it's on a table or dresser in the apartment? If not, I'd just skip the FADE IN: and INT. and just say --

OPEN ON:

An I-phone as it lights up and BUZZES.

And then the next scene on page 1...

Quoted Text INT. APARTMENT- DAY- MOMENTS LATER Rear view of BAMBI 26, probably not her real name. Her long slender legs move all the way to a perfect model’s body. Fishnet stockings, suspenders. Leather G-string and top. Walks in heels that defy physics. High class. High price. Dons a trench coat which covers everything to below her knees. She grabs a duffel bag and her phone. Walks to the door.

No need to say "probably not her real name"... the audience would probably assume that. Especially with her "uniform".

And why jump to new paragraphs after one sentence outside of creating white space? This is four paragraphs devoted to a character description. That should be done in one paragraph. When you jump from one action paragraph to another, it's supposed to be when the action changes focus (think the camera shot changing).

Now, if this whole little scene is supposed to simulate a SLOW MOTION SHOT, then I get it... we focus on her face, camera moves down to her chest, slender torso, rear end, etc. Kinda like Cameron Diaz in "The Mask", the camera slowly moves up her from her legs, up.

And how do we see all of her gear if she's wearing a trench coat that covers everything down to her knees? I guess if it was open, but you describe the trench coat last, and describe it as if it's the most dominant part of her wardrobe. Here's how I'd do that --

A rear view of BAMBI (26) --

Starting at her long high heels that seem to defy physics. To her long slender legs covered in thigh-high fishnet stockings. Connected by suspenders to a sexy leather G-string and top.

She slips into a long, expensive-looking trench coat, covers everything.

Grabs her duffel bag and cell phone on the way out the door.

I spotted this premature jumping of paragraphs throughout, including the description in the next scene on page 1:

Quoted Text EXT. HOUSE- DAY A small 50’s weatherboard house. Needs a serious renovation. The rusty mailbox has a rustier number 24. Surrounded by overgrown grass, weeds and bushes. A broken concrete path to the door. Bambi walks up the path. Very, very carefully.

We already know it's a "house" because you mention it in the SLUG. And your first two paragraphs should be one paragraph. And the description seems to be scattered, no order to it. Everything is just there.

INT. HOUSE - DAY

A modest, old fashioned one-story with faded siding. A broken concrete path cuts through a lawn that hasn't been tended to in a long time. Covered in overgrown grass and weeds.

Bambi stands at the edge of the walkway and looks up at the house, hesitant. A nearby rusted mailbox has an even rustier 24 on it.

She sighs, shrugs. Carefully walks up the path, trying not to trip over the cracks in her long heels.

We already know 24 is a number, no need to say number 24.

Now, it doesn't have to be exactly like that, every writer is different in the way they phrase things. But it reads smoother, more organized and gives us a better visual rather than a scattered visual.

There's one part where the tediousness works. And that's when the old man is taking out his earplugs, one at a time, placing them on the table. It works there because it does a good job of simulating his slow pace. It adds to the comedy.

And that's the last I'll comment on the writing. I'm kind of nitpicking, but the writing can still be improved. It was still a fast read, but it can be faster and more organized.

As for the story, I enjoyed it. Nice work.

-- Michael