Coin Pact by Joe Uebie - Short, Comedy, Thriller - In the 1980's, Pinball was all the rage. One kid dreams of being the best. Though things start to heat up when a unlikely challenger enters the game.  - pdf, format 8)

Joe,

Some notes.

First, there are problems with the writing and the formatting.  

The opening paragraph uses "We open in on a...  Generally, it's a waste of words.  Just describe the arcade.  We know we're opening.

Don't tell us Corey is the protagonist.  We'll figure that out.  Again, simple and direct.  Corey looks like this...enough.

Id is not I'd.  English mistake.

In some of your dialogue there are line spaces.  Dialogue is continuous except for parentheticals.

This piece needs a good editing.

As far as the story goes, it's far too long and rambling.  Sam doesn't really have a role here.  If he were to stake Corey with some quarters, then Sam is needed.  Otherwise, he says a lot about not much.

The real story is between Corey and GIO, and that might work, but it becomes redundant and boring.  how many times can the two trade insults and insist one is better than the other?  If you're going to keep them going, then the game has to jump to a new level.  Perhaps, one of them purposefully causes a 'tilt' when the other gets close to a record.  Or there could be any number of distractions that they must work through.  The scene in the broom closet adds little.  Just have Sam lock up and let them emerge from the closet.  

Corey's death is not well set up.  A 17 year old doesn't just keel over.  Either give GIO some kind of magic death or give Corey a condition, something that caused him to be a pinball wizard to begin with.  Then, with the pressure and the fatigue, he might die.  As is, it seems like a deus ex machina, something the writer needed, not the character.

Best
Richard

On the first page, don't put sarcastic next to Corey's name, but underneath it.

On the bottom of page 7, the way you reveal that the kid is Gio is just written in an odd way. You should say like in the photo, the kid holds the trophy eight the name Gio on it.

The awkward part at the bottom of page 9 seems to have no point.

On the bottom of page 12, shouldn't Corey be saying admit I'm better than you, not the other way around?

Not much care put into this one. There are problems throughout including typos every other line. It needs to be re-shined and then re-posted.