The Neighbourhood by Luke Prince - Short, Horror - Alison is unable to meet the expectations of her neighbours. What lengths will they go to protecting perfection? 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Luke,

A nice short piece, well written and engrossing to the finish.

A little nitpick: Jack Russell (two L's) ... I have two of the little darlings myself :-)

Nice job.

Cheers,

Chris

I got confused - is it GARY (the character you introduced) or Gareth.

The writing was fine - clean and crisp for the most part and the dialogue was realistic. That being said, I just didn't get the story. Not at all.

SPOILERS

They have a crappy yard that the neighbors hate.

There are ghosts are something akin to that in the house that kill them (I am guessing here since I can't tell if the bloody Allison is the real one or the ghost one).

All bloodied up they stare at their neighbors.

And out.

I have no idea what this story means. Maybe it's just me.

"dressed for a day on the sofa" - I like that.

You introduced Gareth as Gary.

When someone asks you to come check something out, you don't tell them to wait as you go all the way upstairs and change your clothes. You would see what they're talking about and if it can wait, then you would change. It reads unnatural. (Later: You need to find a better reason why she goes upstairs)

"how did you get up here so fast" - Is it physically possible for him to get there without her noticing? Because if not, I don't think that would be her response. She would be completely freaked out, or think he's being funny and wonder who the person is downstairs.

"how did you get DOWN here so fast?" - unrealistic. She's suspicious. Clearly there are two of them, so how can that be? She's asking the wrong questions.

I actually love this. Like, really really love this.

It's like invasion of the body snatchers. When you said the killer was an exact replica of Alison, the whole story suddenly clicked and the perfect yards and the dog walker's blank stare made sense. I would love the slow dark tone of this film. The dialogue need to be MUCH better though. Work on that and you have a fun and eerie short on your hands. Would be cool to shoot.  

Best.

Hi all,

Thanks for the feedback!

Yes the concept is very invasion of the body snatchers. It's left to the imagination to exactly WHAT they are, but there's a reason why everything is so perfect and uniform. And it's a case of fall in line.. or be replaced!

Should be a fun one to shoot.

Accept the tips on the dialogue Jean, you're probably right.. her reaction would be more freaked out than "How did you get up here?". I'm going to amend the script as I prefer that suggestion, more likely her to go cold and not being able to comprehend.. before rushing back downstairs.

Thanks again!

Thought I would post a quick comment about how much I like your writing style! Good Job!

Luke,

Good concept, has a certain Twilight Zone feel to it. Feels a bit too short for what it is.  Personally I’d be tempted to flesh it out a little more; have some fun with the idea and ramp up the creep factor.  Maybe give a little background to suggest this tension between neighbours has been simmering for a while -- almost suggestive of an unofficial ‘deadline’ Alison and Gary have been given to shape up or be replaced.

P.2 -- you introduce Gary only to refer to him as Gareth.

Steve.

Luke,

Some notes.

This is a nice little tale.  I like the idea of people in the neighborhood wanting to perfect their street by replacing people deemed somehow not worthy.  Also, if the dog could avoid Alison where it had once been friendly?

My problems come with the setup and execution.  You might consider having Alison address the dog walker.  If “mr. Wilson” doesn’t answer or answers with his comment about the yard, then you’ve set the stage for takeovers in the past.  

Inside the house, there seems little reason for Alison to go upstairs before coming to Gareth.  Give her a solid reason.  Also, her reaction seems odd since there is seemingly no way he could have beat her up the stairs.  

You might also consider having Alison meet her double.  It would be very odd if they came face to face before Alison is sent to never-never land.

The ending works quite well.  You might consider having them come outside where the eager rushes to the new, improved Alison, giving your story a bookend.

Best
Richard