My Stepmom is a Pornstar by ShaDon Manigault - Comedy - Two teenagers adapt to their stepmother, who is a famous pornographic actress. 117 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I read the first 40 pages, so far it's a very quick and easy read. Definitely a more limited audience with he sheer amount of sexual content, but probably something I'd sneak and watch on Netflix if I saw it.

My biggest comment is that based on the 127 page length and the pace of what I've read so far, i personally feel it could be tightened up significantly. I can see this is a very dialogue driven script, but it seems like you could move through the plot points much more quickly and still keep the tone, character and story that you need.

One question, what do you consider to be the inciting incident? Not to say that every script should conform to "The rules of screenwriting" but I have been conditioned to expect it around 10-15 pages in. If I had to guess, I'd say the inciting incident was when Matthew discovers the truth on page 24. Is that right?

Anyway, it's a fun read.

Hey ShaDon - I read the first five based on the premise alone. The title sucked me in (no pun intended). Hope you take this constructively, but the V.O dialogue was unrealistic and way too long - needs to be tightened up. Some examples.

Quoted Text KIMBERLY (V.O.) For adult films, as you can see, our family is a little unorthodox.

KIMBERLY (V.O.)
For pornos.

You don't need the last line - it's obvious and you're going to show us that through your story. You use "you see" a lot. It becomes redundant.

Quoted Text KIMBERLY (V.O.) Back when my birth mother was alive, life was a little bit more normal. Unfortunately, she died in a fatal car accident about 5 years ago. It was an extremely rough time for my family, especially my father.

Try something like.

KIMBERLY (V.O)
My real Mom died five years ago - a car accident.
It ruined all of us, especially Dad.

We can already assume that their life was more normal when their real Mom was alive - you don't need to tell us. Kimberly is not adopted - she wouldn't refer to her Mom as her "birth Mother". If she died - you don't need to say it was a fatal accident. We already know.

Quoted Text KIMBERLY (V.O.) You see, my father is Harvard educated and got his PhD in Neurosurgery. He has his own practice in LA and is one of the top plastic surgeons, many of Hollywood’s top models and top starlets flock to him. He’s known to be the Michelangelo of the scalpel.

He's a neurologist doing plastic surgery? You could set up L.A as a scene heading rather than in dialogue. You don't need the "You see" Maybe something like:

KIMBERLY (V.O.)
My Dad graduated from Harvard with a medical degree.
He's not exactly curing cancer.  He's making boobs bigger.
Yeah - a plastic surgeon. Hollywood loves him. The
Michelangelo of the scalpel.

Also struck me that the Matthew - in high school - would have no clue that his Step Mom was a porn star - he's getting teased to death and none of his cruel buddies didn't tell him. He never asked them - why would you say that? Kimberly is in high school - she talks like a 30 year old.

Anyway - like I said - my comments are offered in good faith - I think you have a nice premise  
- I just didn't buy the dialogue

I think the script has multiple inciting incidents, Matthew figuring out that Francis is a porn star is definitely one of them. If you read more there is more to come...

The screenplay was essentially an idea for a TV show but I condensed it into one script to see if everything still makes sense despite being transfigured into a movie.

I would love to get feedback once someone has read the entire script.

Page 42 “staring at her disgustlingly.” Would that be “…with disgust”?

Page 43. I’m personally a very polite person, and as a result I have to fight the tendancy to write all of my characters as very polite. I’m often surprised how no one in movies ever thanks each other or says goodbye. I feel like everyone is this script behaves kind of like me, which seems to take all of the conflict down a notch. You’ve set up a scenario the is ripe for conflict but everyone seems fairly easy going. I can sort of buy that this weird family has grown to love their stepmom so much that they accept it pretty quickly, but I would have thought the PTA ladies would be much harsher at this meeting, but despite their disapproval, they’re still fairly polite sounding. I’ve seen PTA parents go on crazy ass witch hunts and try to completely ruin people for way less.  (that said, on page 46 Katherine gets pretty harsh.)

Page 44 “The PTA gives in.” How will you be showing this? If no dialogue, then are they looking at each other nodding? I’m having trouble picturing the transition.

Page 47  FRANCIS says “Gracious? She just talking about swallowing sperm!?” Is this supposed to be Katherine’s line?

Page 59 Even though I just wrote a script about a centaur who ends up prostituting himself for horse tranquilizers, even I find it a bit uncomfortable who open this family is about their sexuality… The Step mom listening to her step daughter… maybe it’s just me. (After reading the whole script, this becomes a point of conflict so all good  :) )

Page 70 Now the conflict is heating up.

Page 78 Probably don’t need to hear the whole conversation 3 times in a row. Maybe figure out how to shorten it one of the times?

Page 82 Some lines stick out as unnatural. This one hit me the most: “This will be such a big leap for me!”

Page 114. Wow that seems like a huge shift for Kimberly. In this scene it sounds like she’s had a really hard time dealing with the reality of her step mom all along, but it really didn’t feel that inner conflict that much before now. What kept her trying to accept it all along, love for her father?
Finished it, thanks again for posting. You said that it was condensed down from a TV format, and I could definitely feel it. I enjoyed the script but still really think it could be tightened up quite a bit. Not just cutting down any unnecessary scenes, but mainly making the dialogue much more punchy.  Just my opinion though, for whatever it’s worth.

Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it. I will make a adjustments soon.

Quoted from ShaDonManigault I think the script has multiple inciting incidents, Matthew figuring out that Francis is a porn star is definitely one of them. If you read more there is more to come... The screenplay was essentially an idea for a TV show but I condensed it into one script to see if everything still makes sense despite being transfigured into a movie. I would love to get feedback once someone has read the entire script.

Cool - I will withhold comments on any of your stuff in the future as I often don't have time for a full read of someone's feature. Best of luck.

I read over it and think it is a little long like you said. What do you think about the "Church" scenes? At first I thought it was a good idea, but now it seems a little random and out of place. It takes away from the house hold and their issues.

It's a good idea to show how hard joining a church might be for porn star but it takes away from the Harper family and their issues.

I took the scenes out and it's roughly around 117 now, a little more acceptable.

Also, I was curious about the sexual content, of course the screenplay is bound to be sexual but is it too much? I want the sexual content in there, its humorous but I am afraid of making just a raunchy comedy without any heart. I want both for this screenplay.

@ShaDonManigault...

you can always scale back... if you need to.  

Ghostie