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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Horror Scripts  /  Bralorne - Optioned
Posted by: Don, March 23rd, 2016, 5:30pm
Bralorne by Rodriguez Fruitbat - Horror - As a weekend in the mountains spirals into brutal violence, a psych student must figure out whether she is losing her mind, or everyone else is. 93 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: CindyLKeller, March 24th, 2016, 9:02pm; Reply: 1
Sounds interesting. I've downloaded it. Will read within the next couple days.
Posted by: CindyLKeller, March 27th, 2016, 7:59pm; Reply: 2
Yay! A horror script with sleds...
My daughter would love this. She told me years ago that it's so scary riding on them at night and how it would make for a good horror movie.
Murders within the first few pages.  Double yay!
I can tell that this isn't your first rodeo in writing screenplays either. Very nicely written.

It may take me a few days  but I'll be back.

Cindy
Posted by: RodriguezFruitbat, March 27th, 2016, 8:34pm; Reply: 3
Thank you for taking the time to read!

Yeah, we wanted to build this around sledding in Bralorne, a semi-abandoned town in British Columbia. We already have a bunch of amazing sledding footage, that does somehow feels incredibly eerie with the right score over it.

I think this script could use some structural work, but I can't wait to see what your thought.

Please let me know if you'd like me to check out of of your scripts in particular.
Posted by: CindyLKeller, April 2nd, 2016, 2:17pm; Reply: 4
Ok, so here's my thoughts on your script.
First and formost I would like to say that I liked your flair  for writing. Very nicely done.



Spoilers

You had a lot of things  going that had me wondering methane? Ghosts? Crazies? Something in the homemade booze?

Great dialogue.

You had a lot of creepy scenes like  with  Amber  and Lena.

Your scene with Morgan in the bathroom had me a little confused at first. I thought she was just in the room, not the tub.

The town and town folk was great, too.

Darn,  I have to clock back in at work. I will finish this on my break.
Posted by: CindyLKeller, April 2nd, 2016, 4:31pm; Reply: 5
Still SPOILERS



If you want me to be picky, there  was a typo on pg 4 in Zach's dialogue.  A couple sluglines bothered me, too.  Should add continuous.
One of them was:
INT. MINE TUNNEL
He lands hard.

Not sure why  Jenna would rather go outside to pee with the crazies out there  instead of using the bathroom with  her dead friend there?
You could make that scene crazy, too with her in the bathroom. She could still hear noises outside or maybe a bullet could come in through a wall.

Also,  I'm not sure about the ending. Jenna doesn't trust Richard, the cops or the others, yet she takes a gun from Richard and  the two kick open the door I guess to fight the cops.
I would have liked to seen it end in either  a hail of gunfire  from the cops or with  Jenna  shooting Richard in the head.

That's just me though. This is your script and you're filming it.
I would love to see this. Good writing, good, creepy scenes.

Cindy
Posted by: ChristinaW, April 7th, 2016, 1:50pm; Reply: 6
I love this script; it had me so creeped out. I love the character development, too--it's rare to see such well-rounded characters in a horror.
And I didn't see the end coming! Surprised!! Very good.

The only thing I'd watch is your character descriptions when you first introduce your people. There's been a lot of flack going around about that lately. For instance, assume that everyone is good-looking (it's the movies!), except in Tyler's instance, it does have to be noted that he's handsome & vain.
And for Morgan's description, I'd rather see her do neat-freak behavior rather than be told that she's a neat freak.

I think you're missing a slug on p.59. An INT. slug to bring 'em inside the cabin.

These are just minor things. I'm a fan!!
Posted by: RodriguezFruitbat, April 13th, 2016, 11:23am; Reply: 7
Cindy and Christina, thank you both for taking the time to read and comment.

It means a lot, and gives me hope that this script is worth revisiting. Your feedback will help a lot!
Posted by: TimC, June 29th, 2016, 12:04am; Reply: 8
I really liked this. Great pacing with good character development and interaction. Very easy to visualise also.

My only gripe was the end...or lack there of...it seems unfinished in that it just cuts off mid-scene.
Posted by: RodriguezFruitbat, July 12th, 2016, 1:30pm; Reply: 9
Thanks TimC,

I know what you mean about the end. I intended to leave it open ended in typical horror fashion, but it left me I satisfied too. I think I should commit to wrapping it up completely.

This script also taught me to start with a much more solid outline in place. Now I write with every scene plotted out. It make for a more solid script and fewer rewrites, but it also take some of the fun and discovery out of just sitting down and writing.
Posted by: TimC, July 13th, 2016, 9:45pm; Reply: 10

Quoted from RodriguezFruitbat
Thanks TimC,

This script also taught me to start with a much more solid outline in place. Now I write with every scene plotted out. It make for a more solid script and fewer rewrites, but it also take some of the fun and discovery out of just sitting down and writing.


Agreed. I've only written one but it seemed logical to start with the storyboard. Allows for a more well thought out story, although I did deviate a little from the original board during writing - think that's acceptable.  :)

Keen to read your new ending if you choose to write one.

Tim.
Posted by: Busy Little Bee, February 11th, 2017, 6:18pm; Reply: 11
Hey, R

That title is throwing me off, I don't know how to feel about it, intrigued or just confused, but with these kind of reviews how could I not take a peek.

BLB
Posted by: Chuck, February 15th, 2017, 9:31am; Reply: 12
Hi Red,

Had a chance to take about three and a half pages of notes on your screenplay. Think that that might be a bit long for this blog. so you can see them here (https://www.docdroid.net/Yj80yF1/the-descent-meets-the-ruins.docx.html) if you're interested.

Regards,


Chuck
Posted by: RodriguezFruitbat, April 13th, 2017, 10:38am; Reply: 13
I had dropped off the map and missed the last two comments, sorry. The good news is that I have some producers pitching another script to investors today, fingers crossed!

BLB - I'd love to hear your thoughts if you got a chance to read it. Yeah, the title is obscure and totally up for a change. I had tried several others, but they all felt like generic horror movies, while Bralorne left some mystery. I'll have to find a better title for sure.

Chuck - 3 pages of notes! I'd love to see them, but the link doesn't work for me. Can you resend or repost them? Thanks!
Posted by: Don, June 27th, 2017, 6:48pm; Reply: 14
Richard writes, "Some Australian filmmakers optioned it and we're still going through a bunch of revisions to tailor it to the Australian outback rather than snowy mountains, and to tighten up the characters."
Posted by: Roy, June 27th, 2017, 7:02pm; Reply: 15
Congrats!
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, June 27th, 2017, 7:27pm; Reply: 16
Congrats!
Posted by: RodriguezFruitbat, June 27th, 2017, 8:14pm; Reply: 17
Thanks! They're amazing to work with, and the revisions are making big improvements.
Posted by: eldave1, June 27th, 2017, 8:27pm; Reply: 18
Atta go - much congrats
Posted by: TimC, August 1st, 2017, 7:37pm; Reply: 19
Congratulations. That is great news as it thoroughly deserves to be made. Easy to picture in the Aussie outback also.
Posted by: Sandra Elstree., August 1st, 2017, 9:13pm; Reply: 20
Wow! I sooo wanted to read this and it was taken down.

It freaked me out when I read the title because my mom and dad, (no longer here) had their honeymoon or something of the sort in Bralorne. Dad, I think was working in a mine there.

Mom used to show pictures of when they were first married...

Spooky for me seeing that name.

Sandra
Posted by: RodriguezFruitbat, August 2nd, 2017, 9:54pm; Reply: 21
Thanks everyone for your supportive words! (This community is the reason SimplyScripts is my favourite writing resource)

Just sent off my latest rewrites based on producer feedback. We still have a ways to go to hopefully get it made. So far from the two scripts I've optioned, I'd say I've spent an average of an additional 50% of the original writing time on revisions. I don't know what the common experience is (I'd be interested to know), but just mentioning it to say that the work is far from over after an option comes through.

Posted by: Warren, August 3rd, 2017, 12:45am; Reply: 22
Do you not feel like you are losing more and more of your story if you are spending 50% of the time doing rewrites. You wrote a story you obviously believed in and liked. How much is too much?

Obviously we all post on here and do rewrites based on feedback, but once an option has happened don't you want some semblance of your story to remain?

I have a short that will come out soon that will be quite different from what I wrote, I was happy with that because this is just a hobby for me and I take anything I can get but for people that are more serious is that something you consider?
Posted by: RodriguezFruitbat, August 3rd, 2017, 1:22am; Reply: 23
A certain amount of the notes are related to real locations, especially in this case where the setting changed drastically.

A lot of the other notes are improvements that I agree with. Some to build more depth to certain characters more (sometimes for the script, sometimes to make the roles more attractive for potential actors), others to improve the story and other to just plain clear things up or fix plot holes.

There are certainly some notes that wouldn't be my first choice, but the script is theirs so I'll do my best to account for what they're looking for while still keeping the integrity of the script.

In rare cases, I might disagree with the notes, and when I explain my reasoning no one has ever forced the issue.

I know films are highly collaborative efforts and I would like to think if I ever made a go of it as a screenwriter I'd be able to take notes and develop scripts the way producers and directors need them. If I were too precious about it, I'd probably chose to write novels which are much more personal efforts.
Posted by: Dustin, August 3rd, 2017, 1:31am; Reply: 24

Quoted from RodriguezFruitbat


I know films are highly collaborative efforts and I would like to think if I ever made a go of it as a screenwriter I'd be able to take notes and develop scripts the way producers and directors need them. If I were too precious about it, I'd probably chose to write novels which are much more personal efforts.


Precisely.

Congrats on the script going into development. Have they got any idea of budget yet, or is that coming later?

Posted by: RodriguezFruitbat, August 3rd, 2017, 1:39am; Reply: 25
Later, if I'm lucky.

I try not to get my hopes up too high. If they do secure a budget, then I'll jump for joy.
Posted by: Anon, August 3rd, 2017, 5:04am; Reply: 26

Quoted from Warren
Do you not feel like you are losing more and more of your story if you are spending 50% of the time doing rewrites. You wrote a story you obviously believed in and liked. How much is too much?

Obviously we all post on here and do rewrites based on feedback, but once an option has happened don't you want some semblance of your story to remain?

I have a short that will come out soon that will be quite different from what I wrote, I was happy with that because this is just a hobby for me and I take anything I can get but for people that are more serious is that something you consider?


Essentially it's up to the writer whether to make revisions while it's optioned. I have it written into contract that i'll only do minor writing services on an option and only if i think it improves the story. If they want major rewrites - they should pay for your services. Or buy the script outright and do what the fuck they like.

Posted by: RodriguezFruitbat, August 3rd, 2017, 8:56am; Reply: 27

Quoted from Anon


Essentially it's up to the writer whether to make revisions while it's optioned.



Yeah, that makes sense, I'm sure everyone's experiences vary widely.  Personally, I'm happy to do anything that could increase the chances of a film getting made. If I were a produced writer I'd better more likely to ask for payment on rewrites.
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