The upside to the end of the world by Waleed Zein - Short, Comedy - A job interview with a twist 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Waleed, took a quick look at this, a few thoughts... Just my opinion of course.

Thought this was an interesting idea and effectively put together. But I think it could do with a re-read and tidy up and also worth looking at some of the story elements and they didn't quite work for me...
1) Why would his PA not know how he takes tea?
2) Why would he hold the gun, surely she'd have her own?
3) I think it might work better if the company has some connection to the outbreak.
4) If it was a fresh bite, wouldn;t it be more obvious, blood on his sleeve, smell of copper in the air... Something like that?

Anyway, just a few thoughts, decent effort though.

Anthony

Nobody is making me do this. I could go off and get a burger from McDonalds. I know, I shouldn't. But you're not going to do my dinner, and I'm certainly not. This fella needs feeding. Bloody Big Macs. I'm beginning to recall something about fish and Friday. There's no way I'll catch one of those slippery little bastards with my rod. Really.

It's either McDs or switch the cooker on. And next door won't answer the door. I suspect they're behind the sofa. Bloody lace curtains. Erm...

Moving swiftly along.

Great title? This script I mean. The one by Waleed Zein, not one of mine. They too erm, nope, this isn't the right time or right spot for self promotion. Stay tuned. The mood will take me some day sooner than expected.

My first thought was Oh yes. The next was erm. Nothing new there.

But now yeah, I can see that one on a poster with some overpaid Hollywood zealot, sorry, starlet using her visage in order to sell the movie. I hate to say it, but it's better than at least half of my titles. The shit half, obviously.

Like Floppytits, I'll be looking at this later. Oh, for those who don't follow my posts regularly... Floppytits is not some rough type woman down the pub, it's a script.

Yes, I too sometimes wish it was the former.

Chocolate eggs with fish? Even I know that ain't gonna work.

R

Thanks for the constructive criticisms! Apart from a few TV episodes for a children's animated show, I'm fairly untested as a screenwriter, so I'm grateful for all the comments.

Hey, Waleed:I hate zombie themed stories and had no intention of reading one - ever.

I really liked yours. You did a fabulous job of interweaving the horror with every day life. Kudos for that. Glad I read.

Any reason you don't indicate the age of the characters?


It is a little sloppy format wise in some places. Easy fixes. They are:

Quoted Text 1. INT. HAWTHORNE INDUSTRIES. HAWTHORNE OFFICE – DAY

No need to number your scene headings.

Most use a slash rather than a period for the heading. i.e.,

INT. HAWTHORNE INDUSTRIES/HAWTHORNE OFFICE – DAY

Also not sure you need Hawthorne office - office does the trick

Quoted Text JENNY Your 2 O’clock interview is here to see you Mr. Hawthorne.

Should be a comma after you.

You make this same mistake throughout the script. Always needs to be a comma before the character name or character reference (e.g., Sir, Lady) in the dialogue. Whole script has this issue.

Quoted Text JENNY sir?

Sir - not, sir

Quoted Text Hawthorne stands up and holds out a hand. Jim smiles. He leans across the table and takes his handshake. Hawthorne suddenly jerks Jim closer to him. With his other hand, Hawthorne pulls up Jim’s sleeve. There’s a large bite mark on his arm. Both Hawthorne and Jim share an awkward stare. The men slump back into their seats. Jim opens his mouth to talk but Hawthorne silences him with a finger. He hits a button on his telephone. Jim watches as Hawthorne takes a delicate sip of his tea with his eyes trained on Jim. Jenny walks in. She looks from Jim to Hawthorne. Hawthorne gives her a nod. Jenny pulls out the pistol. Jim’s eyes go wide.

A bit long - I like the way it is written other than I would break it up into two or three blocks.

There are always those perfunctory questions that get asked at an interview (even if it's a foregone conclusion that your going to get the job)... "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" "What would your last boss tell me about your work ethic?" "What would you say your greatest flaw is?" etc...  Perhaps tossing a few of those in would add more of an air of realism, as the "interview" never really happened in this story.

Despite some minor inconsistency I enjoyed reading it, it's an interesting angle in the post-apocalypse imho. One would think civilization ceased to exist once the zoms roam the earth. And I wouldn't mind that if Jenny could be more fleshed out. She is kinda a badass/hot. Please forgive me if I talked nonsense, I am also new to screenwriting.

Thanks for the feedback! I've been using a template I downloaded of the net for the script and the sluglines were numbered so I assumed that was the standard. Also thanks for pointing out the grammatical errors. English isn't my first language and I kind of learned it on the nose so I'm constantly concerned that I'm messing up in some fundamental way.
And I can't believe I forgot to add the "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" question. That's just sloppy on my part.

Waleed,

Some notes.

This is a nice little piece.  As others have pointed out, there are some formatting and grammatical issues, but you can fix those.  I like the idea of trying to do business as usual when under zombie attack.  I think you can ramp up things a bit.  If you can find a way to send Jim to the competition for an interview, then you have a bit of a switch, and if you have Jim say he just came from there...

Best
Richard