The Way Of The Snake by Dennis Coleman - Thriller - In this thriller, a bullied teenager joins a secret society to gain power over his enemies. After going through the cult’s nearly fatal initiation, he suddenly gets everything he ever wanted. That’s when the Snake Society tells him that he has to murder someone close to him in order to keep living his dream. He’s ordered to assassinate his own father. If he doesn’t, the entire secret organization will be after him. 106 pages - pdf, format 8)

I find this to be an excellent concept that I could see myself watching at the movies.

That being said, I find the log line to be poorly written.

Right of the bat, I can see that you are telling way too much of the story in a simple log line. Don´t tell us that they order him to kill his dad. I assume that this sub-plot is introduced later on in the story. Unless this happens very early on and is the inciting incident. If this is, in fact, the inciting incident you should totally re-write it to make the flow more fluent and free.

If I do stand correct and this sub-plot is introduced later in the story, completely get rid of it in your log line. Keeping it at  "In this thriller, a bullied teenager joins a secret society to gain power over his enemies" will suffice. That to me is already interesting enough to give it a read. You could easily add another sentence if you wish, but nothing spoilerish. Something like - he soon discovers he gets more than he bargained for - or something like that.

If you polish your log line you will definitely get more reads.

I will still try and give this a read as I think that the concept itself is very interesting.

I read the first 18 and I´m really digging the writing.

Definitely change the log line, the script is much better than that.

Just to get the negatives out of the way -

SHOW, don´t tell. Not when it comes to character descriptions. You introduced Joey as a "Boy who idolizes Devin". There is no way we would know that upon glancing at him for the first time. If the character development is good enough, we will know this. The way you introduced Devin was perfect. You gave us a hint that he is rebellious when describing  the slash across his cheek; you didn´t tell us he was rebellious, do that with your other characters. I´m not going to get into the other characters I would just be repeating myself. The traits of the characters should be unveiled through action, dialogue, etc.. Not in introductions.

Other than that, I can´t seem to find any real problem with the script.

I think the beginning is GREAT.

You did a great job introducing us to these characters (using action and dialogue). I already feel sympathy for Devin, i think he is a great main character. The character development for him and the other characters is tight, good job.

I think you set up Devin´s relationship with his dad fairly well. It certainly sparked my interest to see what would happen to him, as you revealed that this cult commands Devin to kill his dad. Yeah, DO NOT include that in the log line, it most definitely shouldn´t go there.

I really like the dialogue. It flows well, and it is definitely not "on the nose".

I think "Brad´s secret" plays very well to the story and it definitely sparked my interest.

All in all, the story itself is great so far. It is going in a very interesting direction. The characters are great, the dialogue is great, the story is great.

I will continue reading this, unless this is falling on deaf ears. Otherwise there would be no point in reading. If you do see this, please let me know.

Thanks, I appreciate it. This script was Nicholl Fellowship Quarter-Finalist and also won the Screenplay Search Awards top prize. I will take your notes into consideration.
The reason I give things away in the logline is I've been doing a lot of pitching on other sites, and the rules there are that you have to give away the ending in the pitch. But I'll shorten it here.

Dennis - had a chance to read the first 20. you are a very talented writer. I love your style, the use of asides for character description were great, thinks flowed so naturally. Really great stuff. So good, that I hesitate to provide comments. Anyway:

Quoted Text MR. DANFORTH (CONT’D) You come into my classroom looking like that, Caldwell? What is the matter with you? You have something wrong with you. You just don’t know how to fit in. He pulls Devin to his feet. MR. DANFORTH (CONT’D) Since you’re so fond of doing your own thing, you can stand in front of the room for the entire class and show off your poor appearance.

I did not like the above. You do such a fine job of eloquently establishing the tortuous world that the boy lives in. The scene with the father and the other kids were perfect. Here I think you are hitting us over the head with it. Don't let the teacher into the underbelly of the bullying culture. He can be unsympathetic to the boy's plight or even oblivious - but he shouldn't be an engineer of it - a bully himself.

Quoted Text CAROL You know what I mean. You ridicule anything normal. Devin slams his locker shut. DEVIN Carol, from the time we’re born, our freedom disappears. They’ve got it all laid out for us: do this, do that, go to school, obey the rules, get married, have kids, vote this way, buy that and die.

A little too over the top for me and I thought you lost Devin's voice a little here. It sounded more like a speech then it did a teenagers dialogue. I think you need more subtlety here. Something like:

[quote]CAROL
You know what I mean. You ridicule
anything normal.

Devin slams his locker shut.

DEVIN
Because I'm not normal.

Anyway - just great writing, dude. Much talent here.