Pleasure Seekers Palace by Dreux D - Short, Comedy - When two sisters and their coworker accidentally get trapped in the Pleasure Seekers Palace closet, an awkward dialogue ensues as they attempt to make their way out. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Several places where you miss a comma - e.g.,

Quoted Text AMY What the hell is this Megs?

Needs to be a comma after Megs

Meg and Amy are sisters - but age wise they are 20 years apart - a bit of a stretch without an explanation.

Well written for the most part - didn't really laugh so the comedy fell short for me.

Quoted from eldave1 Several places where you miss a comma - e.g., Needs to be a comma after Megs

Hopefully this is just a typo, because it's incorrect.  You need  comma before "Megs", not after.

In dialogue, names, or anythign used as a name needs to be set pff with a comma, or commas.

Yes - it was a typo - thanks for catching it

Hey Dreux,

An amusing sketch which doesn’t really pay off with an ending that satisfied me. And yes, that pun was intentional.

It’s nicely written and the dialogue is very natural.

I would suggest turning the auto-cont’ds off. Final Draft defaults them on, which is not really needed and can be distracting. There’s an option in the settings.

A lot of the humour here relies on the premise that one of the workers in this sex shop is really prudish. Personally I questioned someone that ‘stiff’ (sorry, can’t help myself) applying for such a job and even if she did, passing the interview. However, that’s my opinion, others may be fine with it. The point though is a lot of the jokes are at her expense when there’s a lot of other jokes you could add to the mix.

As mentioned, I feel it needs a better payoff at the end. Him opening the door and finding them in a compromising position just wasn’t enough for me, I wanted more – OK I’ll stop now with the smut.

-Mark

  

Hi Dreux

This was not a bad short and well written, but like Mark I was hoping for a better payoff when the lights came on. Perhaps in the heap that Amy and Meggy fell into we could have had some "Frank" involvement... ie Meggy think's it's Amy's hand up her butt, only to feel the back of a hand on her inner thigh that should not be so hairy... And I didn't really get how Frank could fall asleep so quickly, that didn't quite gel enough for me

There were some amusing moments with witty dialogue and with good acting would film quite well.

Good luck.

Chris