Quoted from CameronD Leegion! You're back! (I think, or have you been back for awhile?) What's up? How ya been? |
Quoted Text So I read a fair amount of this script and I gotta say I do enjoy the 'humans living among zombie's' premise. You don't have to mention 'Walking dead' some things are just unavoidable in terms of similarities in the same genre. I personally have never seen 'Walking dead' so I can't compare but I wouldn't anyway. |
Quoted Text In the opener I would have loved NO DIALOGUE whatsoever and also I wish we didn't know anyone's name just yet. It's not important especially because they don't seem particularity close to one another. A group of teens shoved together in a bad situation is good enough they don't need to be BFF's. |
Quoted Text You have a good handle on writing action. This reads like a script for a video game. |
Quoted Text Also, when one of them dies and the other gets hurt I didn't care just yet because I didn't know them yet. So when Jason dies who cares? Zombies + night tine= someone ain't gonna make it. |
Quoted Text Format wise- I'm not gonna go on and on about because I guarantee 5 other people will tell you how it's off putting with the BOLD and the CAPS- I will say pick one and stick with it. |
Quoted Text And we don't need the (RE:) I think we can figure it out. The dialogue is way too on the nose and brevity will be your friend here. No words works better to build tension in my opinion. |
Quoted Text The thing with WALKER was a surprise...I had to think about who he was for a sec but I got there. |
Quoted Text Why did Ashley just spill to the cop? I didn't get that...so he got attacked also...he's still an asshole. And why are the cops still even working? Military people are all over. |
Quoted Text The morgue scene is cool and pulls the story forward for me. The dialogue needs to be cleaned up a bit though. HIGGINS Dead don’t mind. And it’s a morgue. (could easily be: "Dead don't mind.") BRODY I’m not dead, detective Higgins. HIGGINS Yet, but page me at four o’clock in the morning one more time and maybe I’ll rectify that. (He seriously has a pager in 2018?? And again this is his job. If he took it seriously he would not be pissed about getting a 'page' at 4 in the morning. Maybe something along the lines of "This better be good.") |
Quoted Text DREW is annoying. That's all and he info dumped in the worst way. Fran during the dinner scene could have been better. Walker and Sasha fine. (defiant teenager and tough dad) |
Quoted Text JASON, 18, handsome/capable. SASHA, 17, beautiful/prepared. GREG, 18, scrawny. ASHLEY, 17, hot. OWEN, 17, tall/strong. CAPTAIN MICHELLE TAYLOR, 28-30, beautiful yet capable with a stony expression, FRAN, 40-42, pretty yet worn around the edges, tough, Can you please work on your character descripts? I really wish guys would stop using these things to fulfill male fantasies about women. Your guy descripts need work too but geeze. Every woman you introduced is pretty or hot or beautiful but very CAPABLE. Like it's a big stretch that an attractive girl can also be capable or complex or interesting. Also Ashley (HOT) that's all she gets? Like she wouldn't be worth mentioning if she weren't Hot? Sure you didn't want to throw in a deep or emotional for good measure? |
Quoted Text I'm still reading this and thus far things are getting good as I read. |
Quoted Text Good luck with the next draft. Work on that logline too. |