Midnight Clear by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - Nearing Christmas, a man with a peculiar talent attempts to give his grieving wife the most precious gift of all. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Steven,

Thought I recognized that title ;)

As I've mentioned before, this is probably your best work IMO. It was a sweet story yet dark at the same time with just a smidgen of that "creepy" factor. You excel at creating likable characters that we care about but, some of the time, it gets a bit too schmaltzy for my taste. However, you avoided the schmaltz here without compromising character, thus being even more effective.

This was a great short. I think it'd place well in competitions and, of course, would make a cool, emotionally gut-wrenching little film with a heartbreaking yet hopeful conclusion.

-- Michael

Loved this - saw what was coming and it didn't matter. Very poignant.

Michael,

Thanks for the kind words and helping with this before I posted here. This is a slightly different version from the one you read, but changes are small and only there to add just a touch more clarity to Steve's abilities. There's a line by Bryn where she says... "This one last time." Was toying with the idea of using that for the title at the last minute, but decided on your suggestion of Midnight Clear, as it just sounds more catchy and insistent. Thanks again.

Dave,

Glad you liked this. This started out as a three-pager, very non linear and ended when they danced. I sat on it for a little while until it just started to evolve into something else.

BTW, good job on The Revelator being featured on STS. That was a good one!

Steve

Thanks much, Steven

Hey Steven, a few thoughts, just my opinion of course...

Loved this, built the mood really effectively and there's some great imagery too... Yes the reveal was what I expected BUT that was good as sometimes stories should go where we expect and want.

I think you largely resisted the temptation to over do it, so it remains a nicely subtle drama for the most part.

A couple of things that struck me, and this could be just me...
1) Bryn, is traditionally a male name, threw me initially when it's a she.
2) I personally didn't think you needed the reveal of the sign at the end, I think you've established she's in some form of medical/nursing facility already.
3) The 'See you next year' line felt wrong to me... It implies he visits once a year which seems off if they were husband and wife.

Anyway, great effort.

Anthony

Hey Steve,

I'd recommend putting more emphasis on the cerebral things rather than the heartfelt dialogue and symbols. I understand the conflict, but its emotional punch never landed. It's like the characters had a relationship of no relation, no punishment, just roses and dirty cheeks.

Isn't the end reveal the question you want to ask at the start of this short? Beginning with the "why" could define the "who" in a more engaging way? I dunno, these are some of the things I thought after the read. It's a clean write for sure, it just feels to me like it never commits to one direction.

Hope that helps,
John

Anthony,

Thanks for reading -- glad it worked for you.

Here in the states I'd say it's just the opposite -- Bryn is largely a girls name.

Regarding the reveal -- I dunno. That's what I went with, and yes it can be assumed that she's in some kind of nursing facility. I just wanted to drive it home really. I guess I just wanted peeps to know "exactly" where she was.

Re -- See you next year. I'm with you on that one. I felt weird writing it, and chewed on it awhile. But in the end, I'm hoping people might have figured out - maybe - that busting her out is a yearly ritual of his, not just visiting.

Steve

Johnny,

Thanks for the notes, bro.

Not too sure how this would've looked had I started with the reveal. It's an interesting idea and I'll think about it. I was feeling that it might drag this out, but what I'm thinking now is it might take only a page to do so. Less than that really.

This was heavy on symbolism, wasn't it. Lost a rose -- lost her mind. Lights turning on and off -- Bryn's life doing likewise. I like that stuff, though I did feel the park scene needed something more in the way of dialogue.
Thanks again.

Steve

Hi Steve,     

I liked this, LOVED some parts of it (especially the "I miss you, guys" scene), but do have a couple of questions: ;)

- Is this yearly ritual somehow related to the circumstances of Cooper's death? Is it implied that he died of a bad cold that he might have caught while playing outside? I guess not, but Bryn being concerned about his health might be interpreted this way. (Of course, she may feel responsible for her son's death regardless of the way he died.)

- Bryn knows that Cooper is dead, right? Otherwise, why would she want to see him only once a year, during this special ritual? My understanding is that she believes he now exists in a different dimension. If that's the case, you could probably have the same story without her being "crazy" (studies have found that many grieving people experience such hallucinations, anyway).

Good job overall, though. A really touching script - hope it makes its way to the screen.

Manolis

Manolis,

Thanks for your time, bud.

No, the ritual is not related to the circumstances of his death, rather it is Steve's yearly attempt to bring his wife back to reality and the real world. Steve possesses this power to make Bryn see her son though he isn't really there, much the same he made the receptionist she was speaking to Mickey Mouse on the phone.

I thought Cooper's death would have better been explained by a drowning incident, most likely taking place around the Christmas holiday. Now that is implied when Bryn's first stop is at the lake. But I can see how you might think it was a bad cold based on what Bryn said to him at the park. IMO, that was just a mother being a mother.

Does she feel responsible for his death? That's a question that's not really answered, but personally, I think the answer is yes.

I do think she knows he's dead, but she also realizes that Steve can bring him back to her, referenced by Bryn's line -- Is there enough magic left?

But this is basically a story about a man who wants his wife back and only has one opportunity a year to do so. Hasn't worked yet, unfortunately.

Steve

Steve

I missed this when it came up.  You know my thoughts on this already and I don't see much change since I read it before.  Anyway, it's beautifully written and has such a sad story.  Great read and top writing.

Steve

Another laugh out loud script from you and a highly original lead character name ;D

So another wonderful thought provoking short script, I think it was pretty obvious where it was going., still you captured the sentiment really well.

Great job.

Steve

Another laugh out loud script from you and a highly original lead character name ;D

So another wonderful thought provoking short script, I think it was pretty obvious where it was going., still you captured the sentiment really well.

Great job.

Anthony,

Thanks for the early read on this and your thoughts. Looking forward to what you have next!

Mark,

Yes,

Laugh out loud funny is just what I do. Now if you'll excuse me, I have this crazy feature I have to rewrite!

Steve

Quoted from SAC No, the ritual is not related to the circumstances of his death, rather it is Steve's yearly attempt to bring his wife back to reality and the real world. Steve possesses this power to make Bryn see her son though he isn't really there, much the same he made the receptionist she was speaking to Mickey Mouse on the phone.

Wow, I totally missed this. Thought the woman at the reception desk wasn't really the receptionist but a patient (hence the Mickey Mouse thing). I didn't even realize that Steve actually possessed this kind of power. My impression was that his wife was having hallucinations in general (because of her mental state) and just needed his help to have this particular hallucination. Sorry, I misread the whole thing. ;)

I'll get to this as soon as I've woken up a little bit. No good reading stuff when my brain is mush.

Manolis,

No worries. I touched up certain areas to try and make it clear about Steve's powers. There were several hints before and after the appearance of their child that allude to that, as well as the logline. It was a big concern of mine actually. Curious if other folks had the same issues.  

Dustin,

No hurry. Just your standard dramatic fare from me.

Steven,

Great script. I thought the twist at the end was fantastic. I like the psychological thriller aspect to the story(Though thriller might not be the best choice of words).

The character interactions were great, and so was the dialogue. I love good dialogue in scripts and yours was very nice. The line that stuck out to me was when BRYN said "It doesn't feel like Christmas." Steve asked her what it felt like to which she replied "Like...dark glasses I can't take off." Great line.  Keep up the good work.

Matthew Lincoln

P.S. I'd like it if you could give me some feedback on my short called "The Courier". Thanks.

Steven,

I just read your comment about a minute after I posted mine...WOW! I didn't realize that Steve had powers. How did he get those abilities?

Matthew Lincoln

Matthew,

Thanks for reading. The dark sunglasses line I ripped off from myself. I had a situation occur many years ago where I felt like, for months, I was wearing dark glasses. Basically meaning I was finding it a bit hard to live and find enjoyment due to my circumstances. Seemed to fit here.

I didn't find it necessary to explain Steve's abilities. That being said, only a line of dialogue could give some clarity to that if anyone finds its an issue I need to tackle. I'm not sure, but it might.

Thanks for the feedback. I'll check out your short soon!

Steve

The magic element of this story lets it down... but then, I always feel that way about magic in stories. It's just too easy. However, it isn't just that. The use of magic isn't precisely clear in this story. The mention of Mickey Mouse serves to confuse rather than clarify. The viewer only knows it is Mickey Mouse because the Receptionist says so. We never get to actually hear Mickey on the other end. Plus, Mickey Mouse is an oft used joke name, so the viewer could simply assume she knows the person on the other end of the line and she's playing along. I also don't believe that a line of dialogue can cure this problem. The viewer would need to see the magic and understand the type of magic it is.

This is a very well written story, but the magic aspect needs clarifying properly.

Hope this helps, mate.

Dustin,

I see what you're saying. Some peeps did get it, some not. I've been accused of being vague before. Bryn's use of the word magic is more like her own term for Steve's abilities, much like Charlie's father in Firestarter, who had an ability he called "the push." Same kinda thing here. I think a line or two or dialogue can explain more about this power. I mean, I think I literally spelled it out with him lighting the village, lighting the Christmas tree, the record player turning on -- all by themselves. I'm not sure if people picked up on all that -- a few seemed to think Bryn was hallucinating, but at that point in the story there was no reason to believe she was. So, maybe it's just an interpretation thing.

In regard the village, I remember seeing it as a a model (miniature) village and it wouldn't be a problem at all to have it touch sensitive. I have lamps that you only need touch the base to turn them on. Tap the base again and the light goes brighter, tap it three times and the light goes off.

The record turning on clip has been done before. I assumed a hand was guiding it.

In regard the xmas tree, I assumed the wife had turned it on.

Unless there is some visual aspect applied to each magical moment, the viewer will not get it. Even if the protag looks at these things and concentrates on them for a while, it would give the viewer a visual clue. If you attempt this in dialogue then it will come across as exposition and be obvious.

Fair enough.

There is nothing to suggest that any one these items were physically turned on, except maybe the village although I think it being touch sensitive is a stretch. And I wanted to avoid cliche, that's why Steve didn't give an "I Dream Of Jeanie" nod, or use his hand like a magic wand.

Quoted from SAC There is nothing to suggest that any one these items were physically turned on, except maybe the village although I think it being touch sensitive is a stretch.

There also isn't anything to suggest that they were turned on by magic... so naturally one will look for logical explanations.  The village church was touched and then the lights came on... perfectly reasonable to believe that a man with the time to build a model village in meticulous detail would invest in something like touch technology, which is very cheap these days. Not like it's top of the range technology. It's pretty standard these days.

Quoted Text And I wanted to avoid cliche, that's why Steve didn't give an "I Dream Of Jeanie" nod, or use his hand like a magic wand.

So you avoid showing that it is him altogether. Not a good idea. It's up to you, a director would figure something out anyway, perhaps some special effects.. but there has to be an indicator, else the viewer will have no idea how these things have happened. I always look for logical explanations, I'm not the type to hear a bang and assume it's a ghost. So, perhaps it is down to interpretation after all.