Everything Has a Beginning by Julien Blaecke - Short, Horror - How to become an innocent serial killer.  Based on the novel "Tout à un commencement" published in "Nocturne le Fanzine". 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hello Julien,

some format issues:

- Characters are introduced in ALL CAPS not italic, and only at first appearance. Talking about massive man here.
- Too many ALL CAPS for my taste. Use ALL CAPS to highlight important sounds only.

some bad dialog:

Quoted Text SHARON There�s someone on the road. DAMIEN What? Right in the middle of the night? In the middle of nowhere?

Seems artificial.

Quoted Text The car is slowing down. DAMIEN (CONT�D) What you�re doing? SHARON I�m stopping the car.

Avoid stating the obvious.

I like your action lines. Short and effective. I don't like the story to be honest, because it doesn't seem to make sense. First of all, they pick up a stranger, it's too obvious he just kills them as soon as he's in the car. Anyone could see that coming. Second, what's up with that black triangle? I am you for the rest of my life? The ending makes no sense. At least I don't get it if it does.

Hi Julien,

I didn't really get this one either.

The actions lines are short, but in some cases, very repetitive. In the Living Room scene you write TV (actually, Tv) in all the first 5 paragraphs. Similarly later in the script, CR-V gets a bit repetitious. I also try and write with short action sentences, but a good script also needs some flow and a rhythm. This one feels very stop- start, it is very clunky to read.

I think if a driver was stabbed through the throat from behind, there wouldn't be much braking... just running off the road and crashing into the tree.

The italics for the 'massive man' was a massive distraction.

The floating  triangle and the-- "I am in you, I am you" bit, I can't make the connection to the story, sorry.

All the best

Chris

Hey Julian,

Unfortunately I'll have to agree with the others have said.

The action didn't really work well for me...

Quoted Text He’s wearing yesterday’s clothes. Looks down at his sweatshirt. A large dried blood stain.

I find this point-form type of writing annoying to read when the whole script is written like this, I suggest tryin to make it flow by using descriptive writing.

Quoted Text A couch. A large HD TV. A fire place.

If he is standing I don't really see the need to tell us there is a sofa, the fireplace can be cut to as it has no relevance to the story.

Quoted Text Police light bars flickering on the walls.

Just say police lights

The ending is very confusing, in the start he is clearly horrified about the blood but he kills those two people without any sign of emotions, almost like he was sleepwalking or something, which is what I thought at first, but then he seems to be conscious of what he is doing based on what he says to the guy he just stabbed....which makes the confusion even greater.

Perhaps some information regarding your novel will clarify things.

Julien,

Some notes.

There are formatting and English issues that others have pointed out.  No need to go there.  What is confusing is the story.  We get the massive man (I would prefer a name) and he's not happy with the blood.  Then we do a flashback where he murders for no reason.  What was he doing on the road?  Waiting for prey?  Serial killers aren't so disorganized.  Because there's no guarantee that anyone will happen along.

I'm no fan of making characters do stupid things because the story needs them to be stupid.  The girl stopping for this stranger doesn't make sense.  I think her dialogue is too formal and forced.  I don't buy the fight between brother and sister because it's not about anything.  They seem like puppets placed here for the man to kill.  

Best
Richard

Hi Julien,

and everybody else. This is my first post, so I'm not trying to give any advice here.

Just trying to clarify the ending. I think I understand what happened. As the massive man kills Damien and this black triangle appears, Damien's consciousness or mind goes into the body of the guy who just killed him. So basically the person who woke up in that room, wasn't the murderer, but Damien trapped inside the body of the massive man.

Hope this helped.

I thinks it sounds too much like It Follows.

The thing that follows here is a serial killer. When you become the victim you become the killer. In order to get rid of being the killer you have to kill.

But I like the idea.

In Production

"Everything has a beginning" with
Devin Gibson
Brand Executive at The Film Concierge
Director Devin Gibson Reel - https://vimeo.com/96051109

Maybe it was me - but saw no connection between the script and the video. I'll give it another look.

Dave - think it's the Directors show reel.

Congrats Julien!

Thank you very much :)

Congrats Julien!