Finesse by Bryson G - Short, Thriller - The owner of an mma organization wants his middleweight champ to guarantee an ending that will necessitate a rematch. The champ has his own plans… 9 pages  - pdf, format 8)

Hi Bryson,

This had me enthralled, was written well, flowed well, great conflict (the decision to win or throw the fight) and seemed set up for a 'killer' finish, but I just though the ending was a bit of a fizzer. After the fight I recokon there is a lot more there to build up the drama, Nathaniel and Finesse seemed to get out of this pickle a bit too easily.

Pg3
"Nathaniel rises from the couch, snatches his championship
strap and turns to leave.".. I think this is supposed to say "Finesse rises etc"

Pg6
"clinicic"

Hope this helps

Cheers

Chris

Bryson,

Some notes.

You have done a decent job with the description of the fight and what's happening.  That's a good thing.  The flashback doesn't read as cleanly because it's a bit long.  It can be shorter.  Get in, get out, and leave a little more doubt on the table.

I don't know where BLACK ROCK is or where it came from.  But you might consider something a bit different.

The ending doesn't work for me.  While we're looking for fireworks, we get explanations.  And this is an old story line set in a more modern venue.  Throwing fights for money has been a subject of film for half a century.  If you can provide more of a twist besides the change of sport, you can make this one more intriguing.  

Best
Richard

Hello,

Thanks for the feedback. Will def go back and clean up the ending as it kind of flatlines. Appreciate the feedback.