FM by Stan Lee - Short, Black Comedy - A freak accident gives young Oliver a super power...or did it? 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Cleanly written. Flows very nicely. Problem is that as soon as he starts hearing other people's thoughts I''m reminded of What Women Want with Mel Gibson.

To me this wasn't a comedy. The kid has it pretty rough and the end he comes to is depressing.

I agree with Wes.  It wasn't funny.  It was extremely depressing and scary.  

It was well written.  It flowed nicely.  But, I didn't find any of it funny.

Sorry

6/10

Dan

Poor Oliver gets lynched  by everyone... more depressing than comedy, especially his dad's thoughts. I get what your were trying to go for, but it was over the top. Maybe change the dad to his brother and that would work a little better.

good job on entering

Yeah interesting take on it and would've been a good entry if drama was the genre.

I laughed once at the swear words but thats about it.

1 laugh out of 10

Nothing sparked with me as funny.

Decent drama thought.

Writer,

Hmm. I'm in a few minds on this one. I did laugh at a few of the lines. I thought they were good, if not a tad bit too much -- see gun at school. However, I think you missed a great comedic moment by having his teacher thinking all the negative thoughts. Maybe you should have just had Oliver looking more and more upset, and then spurt them out all at once at the end of the scene. Anyway, I liked this and there's potential here. Just not yet for me.

Steve

It's awesome read, but I just don't find it comedy imo. It's kinda sad.

This is one of the few I've read so far that actually has a coherent story, so good job on that.

I found the contrast between the 1950's-type characters and their dark thoughts funny.

Not sure why everyone seemed to have it in for Oliver, that was straining credibility.

Ending felt a bit crammed due to page constraint. Decent job overall.

What Women Want isn’t a superhero story and neither was this but it was a well written dark drama. The contrast between the sweet talking style of the 1950’s and the way they really thought could have been funny but because they were all dark negative (and quite evil) thoughts it negated any comedy potential.

This is a pretty decent short, it just doesn’t seem to fit into the parameters of the challenge for me.

-Mark

Stan Lee,

First one that's proper got me laughing out loud. The father's thoughts at breakfast are great! Sorry, writing as I read, and Mr. Davis' thoughts. Dark but damn funny. Dark turn with Roger bringing a gun to school. I'm now worrying about the comedy side of this. Nearly sure Roger turns into George at the end. Is he a superhero?

This one started great. Sadly, it didn't keep it up. It just got pretty grim. Pretty good story though and funny at the start. Also, I don't see how Oliver is a hero in any way..

Good luck,

Glenn.

Neither a superhero script nor a comedy. Reads well but doesn't fit into this OWC. Oh, and for my taste, too many action sentences start with he/she, Like He does this. He does that. - I'd just leave those away and start with the verb. Gives it a better flow.

First a nit.

There are tons of commas missing in the dialogue. e.g., what's wrong Oliver - needs to be what's wrong, Oliver? That mistake is made throughout.

In terms of the story - this is a solid story - well written. But for me, more of a dark drama rather than a comedy. You have a pedophile, a cruel teacher and a friend that wants to shoot the school up. IMO, way too dark to be funny.

Loads of potential. Reminds me of what women want.

Hardly a funny ending though.

Keep it more light hearted me thinks, but then again you did say this is black comedy

This one made me laugh for real. Super fucked up and mean-spirited, but I'm sick, I guess. I even laughed at Roger's reprehensible line about shooting up the school just because he called his dad "pop." I'm not sure that was even supposed to be funny.

It's not just that the content is so extreme that makes it funny though. I think juxtaposing it against lines like "Gee willikers," "peachy keen," and "righto" and just the general suburban 50s backdrop is where a lot of the effectiveness comes from. I also think it's wonderfully inane just how much the universe hates Oliver. He seems like a perfectly nice kid. Bright, even.

Unrelated to the script itself, I also had to laugh at the other comments, namely people thinking this is actually a drama (as opposed to just a bad comedy). Not that that's a stupid thing to think or that I want people to have a bad experience reading scripts (on the contrary, I have to read through the same scripts, so I'm in the same boat). There's just something about a comedy that not only doesn't make people laugh but in fact makes them sad and depressed. It seems apropos given the tragic irony of Oliver's plight in the script.

Anyway, enjoyed this one.

Solid writing but it could have evolved into something more. I'm fine with mean-spirited or dark humor... but at least mix in some nice or just slightly odd thought reads instead of all mean/evil so it's more unpredictable.

Especially with the teacher, makes no sense why she'd have so much hatred for this one kid. If he was more a Denise the Menace type then I could see it, but there's no indication of that.

  

Had the makings of something, but it didn't pay off.  I'm not sure Oliver qualified as a superhero since he didn't do anything with his newfound ability.  If he could recognize what he has and then act...

I really like dark comedy, but this was just a bit too dark. Not enough proper laughs, well written though

Code MR. DAVIS (V.O.) Come over here and let me suck on your balls!

This would be hilarious on film.

Code MR. DAVIS Have a dandy day at school!

Mr Davis should probably frown after this, wondering wtf is up with Oliver.


This one is excellent and with some work could be quite genius. I'm wavering between a rec and a consider with this one. Great stuff.

The presentation is good. Although, I don't know who George is – Don't you mean Roger in the second last scene? Anyway, the gutter language alone didn't qualify it as a comedy.

For my taste, completely off the genre. But I respect that since that's what you found in this challenge, and so be it…

Bottom line: Wrong story executed in a very good way.

Far, far away from comedy.  Some may laugh at a few lines, but comedy, this is not.

As Dave said, you obviously have a problem with dialogue when a character's name is involved, as there must be at least 10 mistakes here.  You also need to learn the difference between lay and lie.

Writing for me wasn't all that good.

No comedy.  No superhero.  But I did read the entire script.

That's pretty dark, more of a drama with dark humour as opposed to a comedy, however I think it still fits in the parameters of the challenge.  The writing was good and a compelling storyline, and potential to develop into something of substance away from this OWC

This is the first script so far where I actually laughed out loud a couple times.  The first was this:

Quoted Text DAD (V.O.) You cunt. You don’t deserve that bacon. That’s my fucking bacon.

Ah, dear old dad.  LMAO, I had to re-read that line to make sure I read it right.  And the neighbor's ball-sucking line after that had me thinking this was going to be some kind of demented masterpiece.  Unfortunately, this script goes off the rails in the second half, and the ending really casts a dark cloud over the whole thing.

Kudos on some hilarious lines.  I just wish that tone and humor was sustained through the entirety of the piece.

I didn't see much of a superhero angle, but I did like the special power Oliver was zapped with. Just wished he could have used the power in an interesting way. Such as if people put him down in one thought, and then exposed/revealed themselves in another.

Then Oliver could counter with some embarrassing revelations. Such as informing the class that the cow teacher was knocked up by the janitor, or something that would really shake her world.

The spot comedy wasn't too bad.

A pretty good read, no true superhero and some potential for funnier payoffs. I can't complain, too much, as this is better than what I wrote.

It has it's funny moments, but I wouldn't classify it as comedy, but that applies to about 50% of the entries. However, I like the writing style a lot, especially the action lines which are clear and visual. The story works well too (putting the fact aside, it's not a comedy). With so many non-comedy entries, I guess at least one of my votes will probably go to a non-comedy script, and this is among the contenders.

I started to think it was funny but it became too dark and weird

I like a lot of the humor in this, but for me, everyone in Oliver’s life having horrible thoughts can only be funny if it’s in his head. When I thought it was in his head I liked it. When it turned out to be real, and showed his friend getting ready to shoot up the school, all the humor was erased and it became very dark and a little weird.

Weird because everyone having these horrible thoughts about him seems unlikely and odd. Also, when he starts confronting people about their thoughts, nothing in these people’s reaction reads as though they actually had these thoughts. It would be surprising to have a kid tell you your thoughts in this manner, but no one seemed that taken aback. Roger in particular should’ve been gobsmacked that Oliver knew he was going to shoot up the school.

So this was good to a point, but works more as a horror comedy than a superhero comedy.

I thought it was funny at places.

It reads like its neen missing a set up. If you have Roger stuffing his dad's gun into his backpack - we need to know why and Roger needs morr syory space.

Same thing about your main guy - seems like a problematic kod if everyone hates him. We better know why I think otherwise it starts and ends way too abruptly for me.

But reads well, kept me engaged actually and a funny story too.

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to thank you all for the reads and accompanying notes. I came up with the concept and wrote it in two days so I'm quite happy with the feedback. As for the humor, comedy comes in many shapes and forms. So I decided to go dark since I thought it would have a broader appeal. I guess I was wrong. That being said, I'll definitely revisit this and work on it some more. So these remarks are super helpful.

Anyways, just wanted to say thanks!

Hey, Will.  How's it going?  Been a while.  

I liked this.  It's dark, but I found it funny.  Laughed a lot.