Vigilante by 0 - Short, Comedy - A serum has been developed which removes the power of superheroes, can Vigilante make do without his? 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hard to follow the story through to the end, a little blurry at times. But a couple of funny scenes in the simulation make up for it.  Although I'm not sure I caught the ending correctly. Water girl was going to clean up?

I'm confused.
Karren is shot but she isn't? There's a bullet but not really? But Karen is bleeding?
Who is Dr. Jekyll in this story? Why is he abusing Stuart Little's furry white ass? Where did all that come from?
What antidote? When was Vigilante drugged. Have his super powers been taken away or haven't they?
Is this a crime taking place or a movie being shot? Or some sort of police practice scenario?
Sorry but this one is difficult to follow.

Writer,

Decent effort, but not much in the way of comedy. I suppose I get what you're going for but it never really takes off and is actually kind of depressing in the end!

Steve

This was a little hard to follow at times and didn't seem very comedic.

Felt like it was a scene from a larger piece.

The concept is pretty solid. Pompous hero having to deal with the indignities of not being super powered. Just needed a little more polish and clarity for some parts. The ending in particular I'm assuming was meant to be comedic but comes off as depressing.

Had a vague idea what it was about but it still didn't tickle my funny bone. At all.

0 laughs out of 10

No laughs here and not easy to follow. More of a drama.

Sorry maybe it's just late but I couldn't get into this and I re-read some parts twice.

Good job on entering

0,

Didn't quite get this one. Also, quite a few typos. Feels rushed? Nothing really makes a lot of sense. Not one for me.

Glenn.

I liked the premise. That being said, I got lost right away and had to re-read the opening a few times to get everyone n the right space.

Can't say that I laughed.

First line - "dimply" - REALLY?  Next passage ends in an orphan.  Another orphan a couple passages later.  Not looking good.

Missing commas in the first passage after the dialogue makes it read completely redonckulous.

Top of Page 2 - "I'm will not warn you again - -" - Yeah, I will not warn you again either, as I'm out right here.  Looks like this wasn't even read over a single time, which ain't gonna cut it.

Sorry, but, this didn't work.  It wasn't funny.  It wasn't clear what was going on.  

Sorry, but, it just didn't work.

Dan

retraining a superhero seems like a sound concept.  But this one didn't quite get there.  

This one read more like a drama but the opening scene in the bank had me gripped.  From the reveal of the simulation onwards, I started to lose the plot. I think with a bit of work this could be a good short drama or a comedy, I think you have options for both here but as it is, it doesn’t quite work for me at the moment.

-Mark

There's a few typo's, but I can forgive that as generally liked it. A couple of proper funny moments, especially when our hero's essentially talking to a pane of glass. Worked for me

Light comedy with an ironic atmosphere. The back story explanations about anti-serums and such distracted me completely. Try to get through this part as soon and clear as possible and let us stay in here and now with the characters. Otherwise... there's potential, and I can imagine this could develop into a pretty funny piece if you'd rewrite, and especially when a team would once work on it and develop the stuff further. Good Job. I liked it.

I think it was supposed to be some kind of practice run-through for the superhero but I have no idea why it was happening.  There was mention of the serum but I wasn't sure how that figured into the story.  Whatever humor there was got lost in the murk.

There was a glimmer of a good idea (superheroes losing their powers) here but the idea sort of got lost in the mish mash of the story.  A bit confusing at times and I wasn't clear on what Vigilante and Aquafemine's super powers actually were.  Good effort but not enough humor here for me.

Verdict: Pass

Best,
Gary

This was going pretty good during the bank heist bit, but once it was revealed to be a training exercise things got confusing and convoluted. If I’d not read the logline I think I would’ve been totally lost as to what was happening.

I like the idea of superheroes who’ve lost their powers trying to readjust, but there were some logical issues that got in the way of the humor here. Why would the police train an ex-superhero to use a gun? Were superheroes so prevalent that regular cops ceased to exist? Did Karren have superpowers relating to invulnerability, or were they actually letting some untrained dude shoot rubber bullets at normal people’s faces? Granted, you can get some humor out of those scenarios, but the reality has to be well-established first. I simply had no idea what was really going on once we got out of the bank scene.

I found it extremely difficult to get past your first line. Dimply lit. It's terrible. The reason for that is that I actually tried really hard to imagine a dimply lit bank interior. Perhaps you meant spotlights. Those tiny LED ones. But I know you mean, dimly lit, so my imaginings are for nought.

The writing here is difficult to get through, so is something you should improve.

I read through and this one could do with some work. I was going to say that the writing isn't always an indicator of what is to come story-wise, but more often than not, it is.

Vigilante:

I noticed you tell us how they were dressed - don't see the importance in that here.

I didn't understand Karen/Vigilante relationship.
Why Vigilante was in a pool of blood at the end.

And who is the script about? Aquafemine? Because in the end it seems like it's about her and we know nothing about her. By the way, you didn't introduce her properly.

Anyway, the idea behind it is a little lost on me to be honest.

I had a difficult time finding my bearings in this one. The descriptions are poorly written and given an unclear picture of what's going on. The opening, for example - "He rounds the corner and finds himself faced with a hostage situation" - this could look any number of ways. Instead of establishing the setup upfront, you offer little tidbits of information as the plot unfolds, making it unclear what we're looking at at any given point. There's also a number of instances that are simply awkwardly phrased, like when Karren is shot; I could've sworn she was dead the way you wrote it, but apparently not.

Dialogue isn't much better. Lots of typos too. Jokes don't seem to land at all. The only joke I could even identify is the glasses gag... and I guess the "psst" gag, although that ended up being more of a foreshadow than anything. The premise isn't bad, but the plot doesn't do it much justice, and the whole thing feels rushed anyway.

Also... why Vigilante? Fine title, but for an actual name? Sounds very "placeholder-y."

Worth revisiting after the challenge, but sort of a mess as is.