Monique by Richard F. Russell - Short, Drama - A man finds the perfect phone app--or does he? 14 pages - pdf, format 8)

Interesting read, felt familiar as a story, AI chick getting personal with the the guy and all. Always steers toward jealousy on AI part.

Well written, Richard - crisp and clean.

I liked it. However, it is a bit derivative of HER.

Nice job.

Richard,

Kind of a darker take on ‘Her’, with the computer program becoming obsessed with their human user.  For me the ending felt telegraphed with the parking lot scene.  Not necessarily a bad thing but it played out by the numbers from there, with Monique growing possessive of Brad until she takes control of the car.  Now if she’d offed him with the coffeemaker or some other appliance..?  The car felt like a first choice -- there’s all kinds of tech involved in our daily lives to wreak havoc with.  

No real reason, hint or otherwise as to why a computer program would become obsessed with their user, perhaps an angle to play on?

Not to give the impression this doesn’t ‘work’ -- the story is there, for me it could have done with a stronger twist or perhaps something along the way to make the journey more unpredictable.

Not sure what a ‘hungry feel’ is or how it applies to a bar.  Is it mostly empty?

Steve.

Solid writing. I loved this part:

WENDY
She sounds like pure sex.  

BRAD
No, this is pure sex.

WENDY
Oh god, yes.


Think it starts to fall apart a bit at the end though. For one thing, it's hard to ever really tell that Monique has shifted into being obsessed. When she fails to wake him up and says the battery died I wasn't sure whether she was lying (maybe that was intentional)...

But at some point she needs to slip into a very clear jealous, obsessive mode. Like pg. 10-11, she asks for phone sex, he says no, then she says okay. There should be more tension there. Monique can get downright angry, saying something like "Is that all I am to you Brad, an alarm clock?".

And the very end, there would be so much more tension if Monique is talking to him with the wheel under her control, and he's begging her to stop the car... in fact, as written, I can't actually tell if she did this on purpose... why would she be asking if he's okay and calling an ambulance after the crash?

I've not seen Her, so this was a unique story to me.

I enjoyed this, the writing was crisp and easy to envisage the story on screen.

Like Mark above, I think a bit more envy or disdain from Monique when he kinda rejected her would have spiced up the final scenes..

I like the connection between the fitbit and the phone, espe ially when he is in the amorous embrace with Wendy.

Good job and very filmable. Good luck

I've never seen Her either... but I do remember HAL 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Unfortunately that's as far back as I can go... but this type of story has been done hundreds of times, no reason why you shouldn't write one too.

I enjoyed it. As others have said it can do with some more work, but you don't necessarily have to do that as producers will interpret it in their own way anyway.

Well written and I hope it gets produced. Nice work.

All,

Thanks for the reads and the notes.  I never saw HER, but I did see the trailer.  This one was inspired by all the current talk about robots and AI.  What might happen if an AI female learns feelings and emotions?  HAL was a wonderful take on a program that becomes paranoid, or worse.  

Best
Richard