I Found You by Waleed Zein - Short, Comedy - A woman searches for love in all the wrong places. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Waleed,

Some notes.

This is cute and works for me.  It's too long, and it needs rewriting, but the story moves well.  You might consider using someone other than a policeman.  I'm not sure one would leave his post to return a notebook.  And I really think the cop would wait for her to come back for the note book.

The second scene was a pleasant surprise.  I liked the way you moved it from pickup to hold up.

That the cop finds her seems a bit too convenient but that's me.  Still, you can make it work with a little connecting scene.

best
Richard

I liked this a lot. Good job with the physical description of Zoey, paints her right off the bat as kind of quirky and whimsical. Loved the twist with the French guy, that was brilliant. You just need to give the whole thing another pass. Like on the first page...

Quoted from Masatotai ZOEY (dramatic) I’m searching for someone. CHASE Woah. Okay. Chase straightens up in his seat. He pulls out a notepad. CHASE So, a missing persons?   ZOEY Kinda. CHASE Kinda? Do you have a recent photo of...? ZOEY Him. Wow! this is would be A LOT easier if I did. Zoey lets an exasperated sigh. CHASE Umm... Could you describe him?

You can probably take out the "Whoa. Okay."

And after Chase asks if it's a missing persons... Zoey could say "Well, I haven't found him yet." Then Chase goes "Do you have a recent photo?"

Don't take these as sacrosanct, but generally just try to tighten up wherever possible.


As for the coincidence of the cop showing up, maybe a photo of the coffee shop falls out of her journal when the cop picks it up. Although why she would have that photo is another issue, maybe it's a picture of her sitting with an empty chair that's supposed to eventually be occupied by her soul mate?)  

I liked it.

Only I think you could tone her character down - she sounds way cartoonish for me and talks about one thing all the time. I don't think she'll seem alluring for anyone much less a serious police worker.

And the blue-green eyed guy - he sounds like Robbie Rotten from Lazy Town. And your short is not Lazy Town and not for kids. So, I think you better bring him down to earth as well and make a bit more real.

Otherwise, your story got the beginnig middle and end, it's a funny story. I laughed quite a few times.

That was cute. I liked it. I laughed at several points and loved the umbrella dress line. The robber twist was great. But....Chase is 10 years her senior....not perfect on her list but pushing home it's what's inside that counts ;-)

Thanks for all the replies. Meant to reply sooner but life got in the way. My reader friends also pointed out that Zoey was too far-fetched so as human being, I think editing is needed there. Will get it back to the drawing board with this one.

I enjoyed this.

I thought the idea of a woman going to a police station to find her "soulmate" was brilliant.

I really liked Zoey's character, she worked for me.

"Everywhere else is full" that is a line from Harry Potter, and she's reading Harry Potter. Haha, smooth.

I laughed out loud with the robber twist, it was cute and unexpected.

I would advise you to tweak the ending a little bit, it does seem awfully convinient and a little unnatural. I get that its a perfect set up for a potentially funny punch line at the end. But if you have something that doesn't make sense just to build up to a punch-line, it won't get the ultimate result you hope for.

Keep the action paragraphs at four lines or less. I know you only exceeded this by one or two lines, but people can be very picky with the format of your screenplay.

For the most part, this was an effective comedy with a great main charact and funny situations.

Nice job.

Thanks! I was worried that no one would get the line I "borrowed" from Harry Potter.