Slacker's Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse by James Barron (MarkItZero) - Short, Comedy - In a harsh, uncompromising post-apocalyptic world, two clueless stoners face an impossible challenge: finding a bag of fresh Doritos to sate their munchie appetite. 14 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey, James,

I'm surprised there's no reads for this one.

The title seems misleading though. I don't think it's a guide - nothing close to it.

HUGE SPOILERS
It got funny and interesting right when Mark came back and and they didn't open the door for him. From there forth I lolled many many times.
But first 5 pages - I think you need a good rewrite there.
I didn't like the dialog - it was on the nose when they talked about the apocalypses.
Let them not say the word at all. They were thinking of another word for it - keep that and give the reason why. Make it funny - otherwise it reads like you switched from one genre to another. It reads like drama all the way till that door episode.

For me the part where Mark went looking for food was not that exciting either. I think you need to show how Mark escaped a big "life and death situation" (and maybe you did, but it didn't read that scary and dangerous for him) and let us breath happy and only then turn him into a zombie.

Them finding lots of food that may last them a month - very funny)

Quoted Text I'm surprised there's no reads for this one.

I just assumed everyone hated it lol.

Quoted Text The title seems misleading though. I don't think it's a guide - nothing close to it.

I have no idea why I chose that title. You're right, I should change it. Any suggestions?

Quoted Text I didn't like the dialog - it was on the nose when they talked about the apocalypses. It reads like drama all the way till that door episode.

I only have the line where he actually says zombie apocalypse to set up the joke where these two idiots are wasting time trying to come up with another name for their situation to the point where they descend into babbling nonsense. It seemed funny when I wrote it but looking back now it might just be really, really stupid. I might cut that all out.

I was trying to throw in some humor with the contrast between Mark being all serious while Liam and Steve can't even seem to focus on one thing for more than ten seconds. If the beginning feels like a drama then I definitely failed, I'll try and re-work some of it.

Quoted Text For me the part where Mark went looking for food was not that exciting either. it didn't read that scary and dangerous for him

I'll take a look and see how I can punch up the suspense. I do want to keep the part with him falling back from the vending machine into the door and releasing the zombies... cuz to me it's pretty funny having their obsession with Doritos be the main cause of Mark getting killed.

Thanks for the read.

this one was hit and miss for me.

I enjoyed the contrast between Mark and the two stoners and it made me laugh but the entire thing felt very generic. I feel like I've seen a story like this 100 times over.

Some of the dialogue made me laugh but the 'slugghh' thing was a bit cringey and it's a big turn off for me, that type of 'yeah dude' college drop out characters which are just stupid as hell. I sort of expected it from the title though.

It worked in some places and in others the stoners annoyed me with their 'classic' stonerism. I'll be honest, I don't really know how you can exactly improve this one, just I guess it's about taste. Stoners will love this but I feel like I've seen stoners and zombies ten times over.

Was okay but I'm just not a fan of stoner comedies.

Thanks for the read. Yeah I changed the beginning but I think this one may just be dead on the vine. I started with the idea of trying to poke fun at the seriousness of The Walking Dead and the constant repeated theme that living in the zombie apocalypse is this unbearable experience that threatens to extinguish your humanity on a daily basis.

So I thought putting two incompetent stoners in that situation and having them thrive mostly through sheer luck and happenstance would be funny. But it quickly devolved into a one-dimensional stoner comedy without any hint of actual parody.  

I found it funnier when I thought they were drawing short straws just because they were too stoned to go out. Going out is a big deal for a stoner anyway as they need to get their minds around looking sober. Younger stoners will always fail at this, often at times looking more crazy than sober.

Anyway... just realised that they're doing it like that because it's a zombie apocalypse and now it's not so funny. Funny the first time I watched it. Not so the second.

Yeah, a good story. It works well and is quite funny. I could see this one getting made. Good luck with it.

Quoted Text Going out is a big deal for a stoner anyway as they need to get their minds around looking sober. Younger stoners will always fail at this, often at times looking more crazy than sober.

Very true. You have clearly either spent significant time around stoners or were once one yourself. I pretty much based one of the stoners off an old college friend.

Thanks for the read.  

I still am a stoner, although I don't have much trouble looking sober these days. The smell is a different matter.

James,

A funny piece that could probably be shortened, especially the beginning.  Less is more.  The slackers work for me, and Mark simply isn't good enough to stay alive.  I find the gnome stash to be a bit too fortuitous.  You might consider not having it and forcing these two to confront their predicament.  In which case, resorting to the bong would be even more irresponsible.  But that's  me.

Best
Richard

Hi James, I think this is the only script of yours I haven’t read, so thought I'd give it a look.

Quoted Text MARK THOMPSON, 20, straight A student, had his sights set on Harvard business school like his father and his father’s father before that. STEVE WARE, 20, self-described pot-head, A+ in chemistry, D’s in everything else. LIAM LEDOWSKI, 20, once skipped a weeks worth of final exams because he got too high watching Golden Girls re-runs.

Clearly all three descriptions are unfilmable in the sense that they don’t really depict what they look like on screen. The filmmaker would need to use his discretion as to what you mean. They do make for three great descriptions regardless.

Quoted Text STEVE Hey man. Seriously, good luck out there. Stay safe. Mark nods appreciatively. MARK Thanks. STEVE ...and don’t forget the Doritos.

Can picture this, so funny.

Quoted Text Annoyed, Mark turns and walks out. Slams the door shut behind him. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Louder than intended.

Super small nit, but maybe link these two bit of action either side of the slug with em dashes.

I've mentioned it before, but still not loving the capitalised action and dialogue. I know it's a style choice though.

Quoted Text MARK (mimicking) Don’t forget the Doritos Mark. (mutters) Fucking assholes.

Haha.

Quoted Text STEVE I heard “slobadonmore”. LIAM Is that Hebrew?

Funny stuff.

Pg 9

Quoted Text Mark see

Mark sees

Quoted Text Mark walks with a slightly more rigid gait than the others. STEVE Man, he’s even uptight for a zombie.

Very good.

Quoted Text STEVE Well... I think Mark would just be happy we’re okay. He was a real stand-up guy. Neither of them can take their eyes off the food. LIAM Totally. He was great. STEVE The best.

Good stuff all round.

I'm glad I revived this. I'm pretty sure you asked me not to.

It's a great short!! Super funny. I think it would be relatively easy to make as well, a little more complex than some shorts but definitely doable.

Still think you’re one of the best, if not the best comedy writer on the site.

Someone needs to make this!

Oh god, what have you awoken from the depths? Don't read this. Avert your eyes!