The Wrath of Dracula by Luke Walker - Horror - In the year 1872, the most notorious vampire of all time, Count Dracula, was slain by Professor Abraham Van Helsing, but now the Prince of Darkness has returned, and the last living descendants of the house of Van Helsing must put their differences aside if they're to survive the Counts vengful wrath. 104 pages - pdf, format 8)

Cool idea.

However, read the first page and am confused already.

Quoted Text A cloaked and hooded FIGURE hurries into a murky cemetery, entering through its cast-iron gates. They make their way through the graveyard, urgently weaving in between dilapidated headstones. The figure freezes, hearing a distant, bellowing roar of anguish. They continue on, quickening their pace. They pass by three dead women, each with a wooden stake stabbed into their chest.

How many characters are you talking about, single or multiple?

It is a single character. I refer to the cloak and hooded figure as 'they', when really I should be referring to the figure as 'it'. I understand the confusion. It's an oversight on my part.

You can use "they" to reference a single person in certain circumstances, I just found it confusing. Although less confusing had you used "it". I'd just use "figure".

Have read the first 30 pages (to where Count Dracula is first introduced) and I'm enjoying it so far. I like the pacing and get a sense of it building to something good.

Now to pick on just a few things.

There is some superfluous dialogue in spots, example:

Quoted Text MS SOMERTON Of course she'll be glad to see you, you're her sister. Go and see her. Let her know you're back. KATE Okay. Ms Somerton gives her a supportive nod. Kate takes an anxious breath and leaves through a different doorway.

The "Okay" is not needed...and a little awkward if anything. The nod and then Kate leaving is enough.

Quoted Text MS SOMERTON Well? You coming back in then? Kate briefly gazes up at the moon. KATE Yeah. Kate takes her hand. Ms Somerton helps her up and they both walk back into the house.

Again, the "Yeah" is not needed as Kate taking her hand and then moving is sufficient.

Will aim to finish over the next couple of days and provide general feedback on the story, characters and dialogue. I won't comment on formatting as that's best left to people who actually know about that!

Tim.

OK...so have now finished reading this.

It started strong however I think it fizzles in the middle and end.

A great concept but I just feel the story is not detailed enough to warrant it's length. The entire story plays out in less than a 24 hour period (according to my math) and to me it just feels a little light on.

I think there is a missed opportunity with respect to character development and vampire / Dracula lore. In addition, currently Holmwood just takes up space...he's not really needed in the story.

I reckon you could fix both of these issues by developing the relationship between Kate and Holmwood through combined detective work and mystery solving via investigating vampire lore / Dracula v Van Helsing history. Would only take a few additional scenes to achieve this.

Good luck!

Hey, Luke

Count Dracula is a tall order, not only trying to live up to the legend but also living up to it in a new and interesting way. Dracula is an old, old dog does he have new tricks?

BLB