The Last One by Federico Palumbo and Magalí Buj - Sci Fi, Fantasy - After the tragic attempt to the World Trade Center there is the growing suspicion that the perpetrators have been helped by some inner sectors in the country, and this has quickly led to a civil war in the USA. Waves of violence are spreading all over the world. Nuclear proliferation and the availability of the US nuclear arsenal in the black market have resulted in a growing radioactive pollution and the spread of various diseases. Soon after the discovery that a striking infertility is threatening the continuity of the human species, technical and scientific resources are released  in search of a possible solution. Hope is scarce... 77 pages - pdf, format 8)

Dang. I encourage you to read more scripts and follow their lead on how to write a screenplay. Your subject is an alternate history story on recent history, so up you have a huge hurdle because alternate history stories are tough enough.

Wow, this is a complete mess. Your log-line is totally overwritten, just like the script. The formatting is beyond messed up. I'm sorry to say this, but no one will read this if you don't fix the formatting.

I pick the stuff I read on random, and always read through to the end… but I got stumped on page 20 something here.

The initial narration is incredibly confusing – it’s bloated and poorly written. Personally, I don’t think it would work well in a film, nor do I think it’s necessary (we can get the info later). It’s essentially a boring, voiced over, version of Star War’s opening crawl, complete with ellipses.

You mention Children of Men a couple of times during the screenplay, so I assume that’s the type of intro you were going for. It works there because the VO is a news report, not a summary of the film’s backstory. The report covers a particular event (not an overarching state of the world type deal) that is charged with emotional and subtextual relevance, and from there we fade into a coffee shop where people watch the report themselves, wide eyed, and clearly moved. It gives up a personal glimpse into the state of this world and of the people who inhabit it. If that’s what you were going for, you missed the mark.

This brings me into the subject of subtlety. While Children of Men undoubtedly makes statements about human nature and our current situation, it does so in a graceful manner, without disturbing the integrity of the story being told or pulling the audience out of the film.

In this script, the characters felt like mouthpieces created to spew the message of “cellphones are bad”, “people don’t communicate or relate to themselves anymore”, “we’re so superficial”. Every other line of dialogue leads to one of those points. It’s on the nose and lazy, but worst of all, irredeemably boring.

The action description is too long and clumped. Break stuff up into smaller, more digestible, paragraphs.

Overly descriptive of locations, wardrobe, minor character actions, and general occurrences.

Overuse of parentheticals.

Distracting penchant for drawn out expositional monologues.

Too many scenes where characters greet each other. It’s boring and waste of page. To boot, every hi or hello is capped with an exclamation point, making the characters sound retarded.

Way too much TV news exposition. It’s boring and repetitive. You’d want to lay elements of what the new reports on in the background of your script – little nods hinting towards larger things. As is, several scenes have TV news as the primary focus.

The story takes place in Argentina, with Argentinians as characters, but they all speak in English… I imagine the original was written in Spanish and this is a direct translation, but I would consider either:
1-indicating that they’re speaking in Spanish (subtitled), or 2- changing the setting to somewhere English would believably be spoken. This just threw me off somewhat. On a similar note, Sofia, being Brazilian, would not have an accent mark.

That’s all I’ve got. Breaking up the action description (and cutting some of it out) would make this a much easier read. It’d still have a plethora of problems, but you’d have better luck getting other people’s input on it.

Quoted from FMLS I pick the stuff I read on random, and always read through to the end…

I don't, unless it's a story I like or a regular on here who helps with others. Countless number of submissions from people who barly care to follow-up.