Remorse - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, June 15th, 2016, 6:47pm

Remorse by Nathan Hill - Short, Drama - Luke returns home from a long time at a harsh military school but Luke's new unflinching attitude makes it hard for Luke and his Mother to reconnect especially after the loss of Luke's father. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)
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Posted by: Nathan Hill, June 15th, 2016, 6:54pm; Reply: 1

Here's one. Gave this one a good shot even though I'm no good with drama.

Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), June 16th, 2016, 8:42am; Reply: 2

Hey Nathan, sorry to say this, but your logline is a mess.

This 1 "sentence" somehow has Luke's name in it 4 times! Needs to be cut way back and simplified. You should never, ever use a name anywhere near this many times in a single sentence.

Posted by: Nathan Hill, June 16th, 2016, 12:15pm; Reply: 3

Thanks for the feedback, Dream. This one is a dead link I jut checked.

If you could get this fixed? If not.

Here's a link.

http://docdro.id/AcL9oKn

Posted by: Grandma Bear, June 16th, 2016, 12:32pm; Reply: 4

Link is fixed.

Posted by: RichardR, June 16th, 2016, 1:14pm; Reply: 5

Nathan,

Some notes.

This one has some issues. there are some English errors, but a good edit will solve those problems. For me, the issue is the bluntness of the drama. They both seem too ready to battle, to be angry. I would think that she would be smiles and sugar when he comes home. Mothers are like that. I would guess he would be stoic but happy. He's out of the hell hole. I think he would make arrangements to visit the grave, to maybe he does that immediately. And I think he tries to fit in. When he can't, well, then things go south. But that's me.

The dialogue seems a bit on the nose for me, intended for the audience and not for the other character. I think good writers always ask themselves if the dialogue is right for these characters in this situation. If it is, the audience will accept it.

Best
Richard

Posted by: Warren, June 19th, 2016, 7:28pm; Reply: 6

Hi Nathan,

This really didn't do anything for me, I'm sorry to say.

As previously mentioned, the dialogue is on the nose, they say everything they think.

I think the formatting leaves a bit to be desired. Happy to elaborate further on that if you would like.

Although some of the things that happen are dramatic, I don't think the overall story really has any drama.

SPOILER:

One last thing with the ending. Luke decides to go to the army because he doesn't trust himself to be normal, I'm not really sure what to read into that?

Not sure how to fix this one.

Cheers