Network of Killers by Dewey Reynolds - Thriller - A detective and a witness are targeted by a ruthless mafia organization after obtaining information which connects them to the killing of an FBI agent.   119 pages - pdf, format 8)

Link isn't working for me.

The logline is awkward. Who obtains the information? Are the detective and witness together? Is the detective protecting the witness? If the information implicates the mafia, what is the witness a witness to?

Quoted from cloroxmartini The logline is awkward.

I agree.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Who obtains the information?

Most likely the detective.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Are the detective and witness together? Is the detective protecting the witness?

We shall have to wait for the link to be fixed to find out.

Quoted from cloroxmartini If the information implicates the mafia, what is the witness a witness to?

My money is on the detective protecting a witness to the killing of an FBI agent by the mafia who target them both. It's possible that the ruthless mafia organisation (is there any other kind?) have obtained information which links the detective and the witness to either or both killing an FBI agent but that would be just silly, wouldn't it?

Dewey, it's over to you.

Link fixed.

Apologies.

- Don

Hey, life happens Don. Like outages that make some people work 74 hours a day.

There is just too much to read on the first couple pages. I would suggest studying how to write a scene. That would break this up into the proper pieces for an easier read.

One example would be Galluccio walking away from and INT. CADDILAC shot. As far as that scene heading goes, I would cut away to EXT and Galluccio watching the car blow up and then he walks away. I would not have flesh searing and all that, but if that's what you want, go for it.

Yes, thanks Don and for everything you do.

As expected, the witness is taken into protective custody by the detective: "Looks like I've just found a new best friend."

There are elements to the story for a great thriller but for me it was a chore because everything is laid out for the reader with each character explaining what they are doing or going to do: "Washington D.C. is sending him down" ... "contacts in Washington already told me" ... "broad who works as a file clerk in the FBI's office" ... "access to all types of files" ... "She can get this agent's name." Tommy doesn't need to relate this, it reads as if you want the reader to know the plan when you could show it. For this and every scene, work out what the characters need to know, not the reader. Here, once you have established that the mobsters know there is a threat from Washington, wrap it up:


                      SHELLENBERGER
            What are we going to do, Tommy?

                      GALLUCCIO
            I know someone.

  INT. FBI OFFICE - DAY

  An OLDER BROAD makes her way towards a file cabinet.


Dialogue reads like cut scenes from a video game: "We're going to be taking out an FBI Agent. As you already know, this is some serious shit ..." Sorry, Dewey, people, even Mafiosi, don't speak like this. Your characters discuss THE GODFATHER so that's among your influences. Watch it again (or read the book) and try to pick up the rhythms of speech. This mostly sounds like the writer relating the plot instead of characters talking to each other.

You don't have to try so hard to bring the reader to your story world, the opening paragraph is loaded with information. MONTY "DIRTY FACE" PIRELLI is evocative but he disappears from the script after this, so just make him " a heavily-scarred man" and describe what he does. If we need to know his name it will come later.

Why is "Mighty" in quotes? River Quay is mentioned many times so I googled it and found some interesting stuff, more than enough to make a cracking story. You don't have to lay it out:

Quoted from NetworkofKillersOriginalScreenplay.pdf                       OVERSTREET             Let's just hope this Special Agent             getting taken out tonight isn't a             throwback to the River Quay Wars.                       BRITTANY             What makes you say that?                       OVERSTREET             The River Quay Wars of the seventies             was about mob goons here in Kansas             City fighting over who's gonna control             the Teamsters.

If Brittany has been with the KCPD longer than a day, she would know. It was unexpected to find the detective from the logline is a woman but otherwise stereotypes are in place. On arrival at the murder scene, all that's missing is the Styrofoam cup. "What do we have here, Jerry?" It's all so cartoonish I couldn't take it seriously. I'm not sure what I'm reading when "BRITTANY releases a strong wind."

At least get it proofed. Your spellchecker won't know the difference between statue, stature and statute but for this subject you should. Best of luck.