Welcome Addicts by Waleed Zein - Short, Comedy - A dysfunctional support group is introduced to their latest addict, a vampire.  15 pages - pdf, format 8)

Reads like the current standard of comedies online or television.

I like when Edward challenged the notion of addiction versus need.

Dark comedy for sure due to the ending and I think you brought some creativity to this. Like what Edward said and that Vlad smelled David's blood and called him out. Visually I think this would play better than it reads.

Not sure what to make of this one. I guess I liked it. I like the characters. Bradley is funny and comes right off the page. And I like the way you kept tying everything back around to their personalities and addictions... David getting called out for doing drugs by the vamp and breaking down... Diane hitting on the vamp because she's without husband. It was a nice touch.

Mostly I think it just needs another polish all the way through. Maybe cut a few things. The whole missing table part doesn't add much. The part where Bradley mistakes a reference and calls David a douche could probably go. And I'm not sure about the Angel reference. Don't get me wrong, I'm a Joss Whedon fanatic and you're pretty much my new favorite person for even attempting it... but it might be too obscure for some.

This was ok, had a few chuckles but wasn't a massive fan.

Formatting needs work.

I realize Courtney was ment to be annoying but at times I felt her character was so bad I wanted to stop reading.

I've mentioned this before in other posts. People don't seem to really care or mind, and maybe it has just become the norm now, but I'm sorry to say that this "?!" is and always will be bad grammar, and boy do you use it a lot. I'd say, if it's a question use a question mark. If the piece is well written there should be no need for the exclamation mark aswell.

Not really sure how no one noticed Courtney being eaten.

I think this would be better with a clean up.

Code The words “Welcome, Addicts” are painted roughly in red on a large white banner that hangs across the length of the room. Five people sit in a loose circle. DIANE, 30s, a homely woman with a kind set of eyes, addresses the room.

The above should be three separate action lines.

Also, this:

Code DIANE, 30s, a homely woman with a kind set of eyes, addresses the room.

Why can't she just have kind eyes, rather than a kind set of eyes? A set generally denotes more than two, because there is also the word, pair, to consider.

I would read more, but you're not an active member.

Thanks for the feedback. I wasn't sure with this one. Wrote it sometime back and I know it's lacking something, but couldn't put my finger on it.  Also, my first attempt at having more than three characters on screen. Found out that writing a conversation is somewhat tricky, because I'm always thinking that Character C has stayed quiet for far too long.

Waleed,

Some notes.

First, nice job.  Not perfect and not quite good enough but getting there.

I think you should dump the opening lines.  With the banner and the dialogue that comes later, you don't need the intro.  Just have Vlad admit his addiction.  "My name is Vlad and I'm a blood-oholic."  Go from there.

The whole bit about two people having the same addiction didn't work for me.  I'd rather you make one of them a pyro, the guy who burned the table, and he's playing with a lighter which menaces Vlad.  I think you might make the females a bit more intrigued with Vlad.  Aren't vampires renowned for their sex appeal?  That makes the other guys jealous?

Also, does anyone really believe Vlad is a real vampire--until the selfie?  You might get some comedy through the others doubting everything he says and asking about sunlight and the coffin and the dirt on his cloak.  In any case, make it a bit more real.  

And the ending.  You could have Vlad say something about never being able to resist a double latte or some reference to her coffee.  And I'd check the reactions of the others.  After all, this is a blood-letting.  What do they do?

Best
Richard

Thanks! The pyromania thing is an interesting angle. I'll work on that. Also the input is greatly valued. Its hard to convey appreciation through this medium without coming off as sarcastic.

I quite liked most of this.

Quoted Text DAVID Killed?

Should it be "kill"

Quoted Text DIANE Drank.

Should it be "drink?"

Quoted Text Diane leans in towards Vlad Are you okay, dear?

Needs to be:

Diane leans in towards Vlad

DIANE
Are you okay, dear?

The ending - not a fan of how it ended. The groups reaction to Courtney's death was just far too nonchalant and it took the script - for me anyway - from a nice little comedy off the rails. Anyway - I did enjoy 14 of the 15 pages - nice work.