He Dies Alone by Warren Duncan - Short, Drama - An estranged father makes the most final decision. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

A poignant story, Warren - but there were a couple of logic problems for me.

A garden hose would not be wide enough to fit around the exhaust pipe of a car.

He never tries to turn to car off.

Why would John hang up on 9-1-1 and try to call again? I know he can't talk - but how does hanging  up and re-dialing Adam help - he can't talk to him either?

Adam knows he gets this mysterious call from his Dad but in the next 18 hours never follows up on him - also 18 hours? Where would Olivia go for 18 hours? She surely would have discovered his body before that.

Hope these help

Thanks for the read, eldave.

This story doesn't make sense in certain parts. But that's life, sometimes the simplest solutions don't present themselves when they are needed.

This story was one I felt had to be told, it was cathartic.

A lot of the details are what they are.

Without me saying or showing Olivia having an affair, I felt it would be where readers minds would go. Maybe I was wrong.

Same goes with the hose and the exhaust. Yes they don't fit but it's easy enough to make it work. Didn't think it would need to be shown.

I certainly did get that she was having an affair - it never crossed my mind. I thought that his depression came from his sense of failure from not being able to find a job.  Anyway - best of luck

Several issues I thought I brought up. The job, the failing relationship and the estrangement from his son. The last one being the tipping point, and the one that almost brings him back from the edge.

I had the same issue in my last piece. The line between exposing too much and giving the reader just enough.

Something for me to work on for sure.

Thanks

Okay - we're going in circles a bit - I never mentioned that you had not provided a sufficient basis for suicide.

I had mentioned that I thought Olivia being gone for 18 hours (and not discovering the body) was a bit of a stretch.  Your response to that (I thought - apparently incorrectly) - was that you believed it was clear that Olivia was having an affair and ergo the 18 hours away from home made sense.

I still think the logic issues I mentioned in the original post have merit But whatever.  Your script and if you're happy with it as is - keep it exactly like it is. Cheers

eldave, pm'd.

Warren,

Some notes.

The opening doesn't work for me.  Unless Olivia is a sadist, and she might well be, calling at 2 AM is a no-no.  Dad is dead.  Nothing Adam can do.  Let him sleep till dawn anyway.  Also, it takes a lot away from the ensuing story.  

I didn't get that she was having an affair.  Perhaps, I didn't read closely enough.  It's not as if she's decked out or wearing a sexy outfit.  And she doesn't seem mean or demeaning.  So, I figured she was going to work, something she wishes he would do.

That he goes through his chores seems fine, but I don't detect a note of finality in his actions.  It seems the same as any other day, and perhaps you're looking for that.  But he does take the photo with him which is not like any other day.  

If the car is in the garage, he doesn't need the hose.  Just open the windows and start the engine.  He'll die soon enough.  The phone call from Adam seems too coincidental for me.  Why today?  Why not yesterday or tomorrow?  Can you give us a reason for the call?  Happy Birthday?  A birthday for a proud man out of a  job  and with a cheating wife might well be the catalyst for a dirt nap.  

I'm not entirely familiar with carbon monoxide poisoning, but I would think that even if he can't speak, he might cough or make some noise.  And unable to talk to the dispatcher, he might well call Adam to hear the voice one more time.  But then, Adam should follow up or think it some sort of butt dial.  

While I appreciate that you want to tell this story, I think you can make it better.  

Best
Richard

Quoted from Warren eldave, pm'd.

Back at you -we're cool

Thanks for the read, Richard.

I think I will get rid of the hose on the next edit; it seems to not be sitting well.

I like the idea about the birthday and will incorporate it, or something along the same lines, next time around. I think it will be a good addition as it means Olivia forgot all about it which goes nicely into the strained relationship.

Maybe I played it a bit close to reality for this one and lost a story in there somewhere.

Cheers

eldave, all good.

Hey Warren,

Read your short.

I'm thinking no job thing is not strong enough motivation to kill yourself. Maybe it is, but we don't see much of John prior to killing, and don't know why exactly he's so unhappy with his life . Why can't he find himself something else to do? Surely nobody wants to sweep floors but I've seen people who went from teaching at college to cleaning toilets. One of my close relatives had to do that and that didn't seem as dramatic to me at the moment.
I also think we should know more about John. Reading about him killing himself is not fun unless we care about him. Also, IMO we don't know much about his relationships with his son to really feel that moment when he receives a call from him.

I also think that the beginning is wrong. The script is not about Adam and we see the time on the clock and all - reads misleading to me. IMO of course.

Thanks for the read, khamanna.

John didn't kill himself simply because he couldn't find a job. I clearly missed the ball with this script. There are several underlying reasons for his unhappiness. He has no job, he is in a failing relationship, and he is estranged from his son. It's all there for the reader to see, but it's subtle, too subtle I guess as readers aren't getting it.

The script is very much about Adam and John, dispute how little time Adam has in it.

Would love for someone to read this and just get it but it looks like it's going to need an overhaul.

Warren, I gave this a read and have to agree with the others - it just doesn't work as written.

The opening scene feels out of place and unnecessary.  I'd lose it completely.

Base on what's here, I don't see the motivation for John to kill himself, and the way he dies doesn't come across as realistic to me.

Slugs need work still.  Orphans can be easily cut down.  Don't repeat your Slug in your opening passage that follows it - it's completely unnecessary.  Try to get away from "listing" your actions.

Finally, the dialogue doesn't come off realistically here at all, to me...especially the first page.

It's a good effort, but for me, doesn't hit the mark at all.

Quoted from Warren There are several underlying reasons for his unhappiness. He has no job, he is in a failing relationship, and he is estranged from his son. It's all there for the reader to see, but it's subtle, too subtle I guess as readers aren't getting it.

Went through and tried to find every little hint.

No job -- You've got the stained clothes that suggest he's been in a funk of sitting around doing nothing. And you've got him looking at the paper and a mention of the classified ads... so this one's covered.

Failing relationship -- Olivia leaves the paper in a heap. Which I guess suggests inattention, only caring about herself? This is very, very subtle... in fact I may be reading into this one entirely.

But you also have her take no notice of his eye roll. Which may be an attempt to build on this idea of inattention/lack of caring.

You have the line about "Don't Wait Up." Which I guess means she's going to be home late and doesn't care if he waits up for her...

You have "Out of Habit, she kisses Don's cheek". So it's perfunctory, without emotion...

Problem is it's hard to separate these things from just a normal couple that's slipped into the routines of marriage. Some things will become perfunctory, habits form, there will not be constant, intense passion at all times. The occasional eye roll at a snide remark I'd say is very common in a marriage. Not something that draws the readers attention to a deeper, darker rift.

All your hints added together at best suggest a lull in a marriage, that things have slipped into routine... but a failing marriage? Don't think you have enough here.

Estranged from his son -- Not sure it's ever clear they're estranged. At the end, you suggest they haven't talked in awhile. But Adam's 25 years old. It's not uncommon for a father and his grown son to fall into a temporary communication lapse.

More importantly, at the beginning there's no hints. Only thing is the photo taken off the fridge that's from "clearly a happier time". Any photo of a father's son is going to invoke some tinge of nostalgia... so it's not odd that he reacts. If anything, a photo on the fridge suggests a normal, healthy father/son relationship. Whereas no photos, or a photo stuffed in some drawer he has to search around for... that might suggest estrangement.

EDIT -- Missed the opening scene. His son doesn't even know who Don's wife is, so that is a helpful hint. Although it's slightly ambiguous, "his blank expression says it all" made me think he just hated Don's wife and was exasperated when he found out who it was on the phone.

Overall I enjoyed the read. Had some poignant moments. Shore up these last two elements and the ending will have a much greater emotional impact.  

Thanks for the read, guys.

Seems like this might be dead in the water. Will definitely be giving it a massive overhaul, but at this point I'm not sure if there is anything worth saving.

James, yes that was everything single one of the seeds I planted. Still didn't bring it togeather, so what good is that.

There's always next time.

Quoted Text Seems like this might be dead in the water

Or not, this was just picked up.

I know it's two months old, but I'll give this a read, I liked the logline.

RichardR said:

Quoted Text he opening doesn't work for me.  Unless Olivia is a sadist, and she might well be, calling at 2 AM is a no-no.  Dad is dead.  Nothing Adam can do.  Let him sleep till dawn anyway.

And I disagree. Simply psychology, (most) people panic in crises, they want to vent and share their sadness. Olivia probably would have called everyone dad knew to offload grief. I've had clients and friends of mine call me for pretty much any problem they have, even when there's no way for me to help. Humans are community animals.

Anyway, despite that, the opening flashforward could be lost. I know you want to establish the dad's relationship w/ his son, but it doesn't seem too necessery. The bulk of the script takes place in the earlier timeline.

This is sad stuff and I suppose it works as a "slice of life" thing, which I think could be played up by focussing moreso on the mundane. In my opinion, and feel free not to take this advice, the suicide would be more effective almost as an afterthought. Lose calling 9-1-1, skip straight to the call to son.

Anyway, I liked this.  Just little nitpicks.

Also, I'll add that I understand why other commenters don't see enough "motivation" for John's suicide, but I think it's more realistic as is. It would be pretty on the nose to have a short script littered with evidence of motivation, and that's not how real life works. I would say 99% of the time suicides don't make a hell of a lot of sense. Maybe it doesn't make for good fiction, idk.

Cheers for the read, mate.

Yeah agreed on most points.

Problem with this one though, as I said in the PM and in earlier posts, was it was pretty much how it happened. So it is what it is.

Glad it got picked up and hopefully it isn't modified too much. Just nice that it finally has a home.

Man - you are an option machine! You ought to write a how to article - congrats

Thanks, Dave.

I’m not sure what that article would say – Write it and they will come.

I’m really not doing a whole lot other than that.

I do the occasional Reddit and Craigslist search and reply to some of Anthony’s listed ‘request for scrips’.

Damn - was hoping for a magic bullet :)

This one just got optioned again to a guy in Vegas. Good way to start the new year.

Excellent!

Hopefully second times a charm.