JP Short by Buck Biestek - Short, Action, Adventure - When you die your life isn't over, it's only the beginning of a challenge and a chance at redemption. This script is a teaser for a full feature written called Just Presence. 17 pages - pdf, format 8)

Sorry, I stopped at pg. 5.

Some issues that I think need addressing:

By pg. 5 you have used "we see" and "we hear" ten times. I imagine it continues through the entire script. Scripts need to be visual as they are used to make movies. Show us, don’t tell us.

You use some very specific descriptions that add nothing to the story. What difference does it make if he eats pastrami on rye sandwich? Why can't he just eat a sandwich?

You have a song, I assume you don’t own the rights to, playing and a game being played on a phone that you probably don’t have the rights to either. They should go unless they really add to the story. I'm not sure they do.

I think all the camera directions should go.

You forgot to put an INT on your first slug.

Maybe take another look at this one.