My Imaginary Friend by Warren Duncan - Short, Psychological Drama - A young girl escapes the reality of her abusive father with the help of an imaginary friend. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

+++++++

You are a machine, Warren.

Solid writing here.

Thanks, eldave, appreciate it.

Please can any comments that contain spoilers be noted as such.

Thanks, all.

Oh jeez, I hate it when I write a big spiel and then the tablet decides to eat it.  ::)

Hi Warren, I read your Lullaby the other day. Brutal and bit grim, but hey, congrats, that stuff sells well. Appears you're following in Anthony's footsteps - churning them out and selling them quick smart.

Couple of FYI's if you're interested first off.  'No, daddy' - Daddy is a proper noun, so should be capped. If it can be replaced with the person's name I.e., Danny, then cap it. And, 'to plain' should be 'too' p.1, but then you know that already cause it's spelled correctly otherwise, so typo.

Maybe SPOILERS below:




Story is solid, well told, fluid believable dialogue and nicely visual, just not sure about the ending...  Maybe on screen it would work perfectly.  I did have a brief 'huh?' moment and then, well, I shan't say cause that might spoil it. :) Just hope  I got it right. Cue blonde moment. :) Switcheroo be right?

If so I think you need to rearrange that logline to be just as enticing but a bit less specific. Jmh, of course.

Reef does these type of stories very well. Never done one myself, not really my cup of tea. Well done though, mate. Nice work.

I can't be arsed to figure out what is and isn't a spoiler, so I'll leave it at that.

Good luck.

Thanks for the read and positive comments, Dustin and LC.

LC, always happy for things I missed to be pointed out, so thanks for that. (they have been corrected)

It's the kind of story that has a brief "huh?" and potentially might need another read or another watch (hopefully). I wanted it to be that kind of story, as long as you do get it in the end of course, which I'm sure you did.

Not really sure what I would do with the logline, they aren't a strong point. I was rather proud of that one.

Dustin, I'll have to read some of his scripts. Thanks again.

Ah, just noticed you're a 'down under' compatriot. That explains the nascent talent.

See how I just blew my own trumpet there?  ;D

I certainly did:).

So, I'm interested, did you have something in mind for a better logline?

There are some minor formatting issues but nothing to worry about.

Other than that, good job. Not sure if I get the ending tho...

Thanks for the read, Ben.

If you have the time, I'd love to know what you think those issues are, minor or not. If I can write it better, I want to.

The ending will always go either way. Everything is written into the script to put it togeather. Whether it is written well enough to put it togeather, who knows. But I personally like something I have to think about.

Cheers

Page 1:

First slugline is "INT. HOUSE - EMILY’S ROOM - DAY". I've never seen it in this order. Shouldn't this be "INT. EMILY’S ROOM, HOUSE - DAY"?

Emily turns to face oliver. -> Missing cap
The closet is flung open, oliver pulls out a skirt. -> Missing cap

Page 2:

INT. HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY -> same as on Page 1. I'll skip the rest of the slugs but maybe you should consider turning this around. It reads like the house is inside the room/hallway while it should be vice versa.

Page 5:

Quoted Text Emily whispers. EMILY (to Oliver) I think we should go play in my room.

Whisper is not really an action. Maybe you could write something like "Emily leans forward, nearing Oliver's ear" and then instead of "(to Oliver)" write "(in a whisper)".

Page 8:

POLICE OFFICER 2
(to police officer 1)
Kick it, I got you.

This happens off-screen, we don't know who officer 2 is really talking to so there's no need to add that line. Plus (O.S.) is missing.

Like I said, nothing to worry about.

I worry about everything when it comes to my writing.

Thanks for taking the time. A few things I will change, a few I won't.

Much appreciated.

You're welcome.

In the end it's up to you. Everybody has a different style of writing and as long as you feel comfortable with your writing it's fine.

I'm a perfectionist, especially when it comes to formatting so I'm really petty sometimes.

Already updated:)

Warren, Ben has a point about your slugs.

When a 'short' like this is confined to one location mini slugs would be my choice. Cleaner to follow/read.

As for your logline don't get me wrong, the construction is good, and it reads well, but with the twist I'm just not sure...

That's if I've got the twist right, of course.



SPOILERS

Perhaps others could weigh in before I even think of suggesting an alt. I dunno maybe the misdirection of the log adds to this as well...

Cheers, LC.

Will have another look.

I really liked the dialogue between Oliver and Emily, bought into that whole dynamic right away. I was left scratching my head at the ending but in a good way. It made me wanna go back and read it again. So I did and now I think I got it. Maybe. 80% sure. But it's definitely confusing in a good way.

Thanks for the read, James.

Glad you liked it. It's definitely a thinker. I found the writing quite challanging as well but I really do feel it's all in there, purposely vague as always.

I do agree with a previous comment that it would probably play out better on screen, but  I hope it still makes for an engaging and thought provoking read.

Really happy with how the dialogue works between Oliver and Emily.

Hey Warren.

First off all the logline. It made me want to read the script. That to me is a good logline. I'd say 90% of the loglines I see on scripts do the opposite. This one perked my interest and made me read page 1, which is the result you want.

The script itself was well worth reading. It was compelling and I wanted to know what happened next. It was easy to follow the action and the dialogue seemed very natural. If I was being fussy I'd say you don't need the parenthetical with the police officer. If you've written the action/dialogue right it should be obvious he's speaking to the other officer, as no-one else is in the scene.

I'd also avoid 'begins to' and 'starts to' if possible.  You would never write 'Oliver stops skipping around the table' so try not to do the opposite which reads equally odd.

The father seemed one-dimensional. He was very much the evil drunk, abusive father in every second of screen time, so much so he seemed there simply to be that archetype rather than a real, flushed out character. I realize this is a short so you don't have the time to develop him that much but because of this, when dad flipped out it seemed he just did this solely to fit into your story rather than a natural culmination of events.  

The ending I didn't get so I did read it again. Then I thought I had it sussed but the way you've written it, especially the last line, confused me so now I'm not sure.

POTENTIAL SPOILER ALERT

What I think has happened is this is Oliver remembering something that happened to him as a child. But if so who is the boy? If it is Oliver why doesn't it say Oliver instead of boy? And if it is, how come the dad can't see or hear Oliver?

The last line throws me. The bullet just misses Danny. It reads like someone shoots at Danny at the moment we see the picture.

I do like this though. My comments are hopefully helpful, I think with a bit of a re-draft this could be very producible indeed.

-Mark

Warren,

Some notes.

Since you seem serious, I'll go through this one a bit more thoroughly.

I believe without is one word.

The closet is flung anywhere.  Oliver flings open the closet, right?

The opening scenes play well.  I'm not sure why Danny has to wear a white vest, but that's me.  You might consider having Oliver just 'cower' as opposed to 'sits cowering'.

The story works for me, although I was sort of hoping.....SPOILERS!!!

that Danny, Kate, and Emily were all imaginary, but the photograph nixes that.

Good job on pulling a switch for us, making Emily the imaginary friend instead of Oliver.  It reads well, although you might consider making Kate and Danny a bit more two dimensional.  That's just me.  Good job.

Best
Richard

Really liked this script, Warren. Loved the reveal at the end. I wouldn't change the logline at all.

John

Thanks for the read, Mark and Richard.

Firstly thanks for your positive comments.

As far as the incorrect wording and format pickups, I will change as appropriate.

In the interest of making this the best possible script it can be I will let everyone know what I had in mind when I wrote it.

In a sense, I like the fact that people are taking slightly different things from it and it is still working for them, kinda sort of, but this was the picture in my head.

MASSIVE SPOILERS:

So straight up the logline is obviously misdirection.

I will say I tried to pack a lot in for under 10 pages.

Emily is the imaginary friend and Danny and Kate don’t exist, well they do as they are Oliver’s parents but they aren’t actually in the room at anytime. They are an extension of the imaginary friend bit, but not ‘friends’.

Danny and Kate are purposefully written as one dimensional characters, they represent how Oliver sees them. I felt breathing anymore life into them would make them ‘more real’ and this didn’t seem like a good idea in a piece that is already confusing.

The whole script is essentially someone that has lost the plot due to years of abuse. All his interactions are fabricated in his mind.

Here it gets more confusing, but it’s in there. Oliver is clearly written to be way more affected by Danny’s actions and fears Danny more than Emily. Emily even comforts her ‘imaginary friend’ after a confrontation with Danny. This shouldn’t really make sense, but in the context of the story and the complete picture it does.

At the end we hear two gunshots and the bottle break. Oliver takes a shot at the picture of Danny (which the cop sees at the end, this also reveals Oliver as a young boy). The second shot being the one to the head and then obviously the bottle next to Oliver which we heard break. Essentially he has turned into a drunk just like his abusive father.

So in the end, was this overly ambitious? Probably. Did I enjoy creating this topsy turvy world where nothing is quite as it seems? Oh God yes!

I like the fact that this script has been engaging enough to make people want to reread all or some of it, and that is really what I wanted. I wanted it complex, something to make you think.

Thanks, JayZ.

Glad you liked it.

Warren, I'm glad you said it, cause I was just about to spill the beans myself, with SPOILERS of course.

I do think this might be obvious onscreen. But to add clarity I think the key is to better describe Oliver's clothing in the denouement. Make sure he is dressed identically to the opening scene.

That top and tail should be visually clear instead of 'dressed like a madman' which suggests something else altogether. Reiterate the 'orange hair' 'multicoloured ill fitting clothes' etc. And I'd consider making Oliver a similar age to Emily and have these as more recent events, otherwise I think you're adding a level of confusion that might make the final produced film less satisfying for your audience.. 'Madman' was the bit that stymied me in the first place, and I have a feeling it's tripping others up.

P.S. I'm glad I got the twist.

The thing is, clever and confusing v a satisfying twist, well, I'm always going to enjoy the latter more when watching the film, unless of course it's Memento which delivered on both counts.

Again, Jmh.

LC, this was my logic.

So although it isn’t written, I assumed, maybe incorrectly, that people would realise Oliver is still dressed the same. The reason I used the two polar opposite descriptions of him was to emphasis the delusion again. To a kid he is a funny looking, playful guy. To a grown adult, a police officer, he would look like a madman (with the idea that he is still dressed the same as earlier).

As far as the age difference. I did struggle with this. Oliver had to be old enough to live by himself and have access to a gun, how close could I really make the ages? I mean, if he was 18 would it make much difference? I liked the age I chose because it gives this delusion a few years to manifest into such an extreme thing. A lot of that isn’t written but I thought it seemed logical in my head.

I guess for me the link was that Emily was the same age as Oliver in the picture. (just realized I didn't put it in. I originally had Oliver's name when he is revealed at the end, like Mark suggested. I took it out because I didn't want it to be so 'in your face', I think I will go back to what I had originally)

Interested to know what your thoughts are, if you have the time.

Thanks for giving this more attention, much appreciated.

Hmm, well while I understand what you're saying, and I can only speak for myself,  I'll reiterate that the reason I needed to read it twice before I got it was the 'madman' description threw me.

You could be complicating the read unnecessarily. Plus a potential director /producer should know he's dressed the same way as at the top of the story.
.
As long as they do get it I don't suppose it really matters, then again if a lot of readers are confused I'd be making that ending clearer, otherwise I feel you're being cryptic for the sake of being clever and making your reader work harder than necessary, and to what end? It could in fact be detrimental to you getting it picked up quicker.. But then again, we'll wait and see...  :)

I edited it during lunch and am uploading the new version now.

Thanks,LC. I definitely get what you're saying.

Well, now that Warren revealed the truth about the story I must admit that I didn't get it.

Writing something ambitious that makes the reader think is not easy because the twist has to be perfectly clear. Otherwise it just doesn't work because if the readers have to spend a lot of time trying to figure out what's going on that's a bad sign. I was facing the same issue with a sci-fi feature that I started to write long time ago, then I decided to let it go for a while and move on to a new script until I'd figure out a way how to do it so that a reader would get it right away.

I think the ending should be clearer, not sure if everyone will get this right away. But it's great to see that you're trying to write something ambitious instead of two characters sitting on a couch having a useless conversation about life.

So thumbs up for that!

New version is up now. It's still the same story but I feel the ending is a lot clearer, hopefully not to the point that it takes away from the story.

Thanks, all.

Heaps better, Warren. :)

Thanks for all your help, LC.

I can see the difference it makes.

This is an outstanding concept you have working here.  I really appreciate the angle and the reasons you give for creating such obviously rigid characters.  I would liken the script in its current form to that of listening to Beethoven's 5th being played on a plastic ukulele.  The melody is absolutely there, but the symphony is not.  Find your symphony and you have a real gem in this story.  I am not trying to be harsh in any way.  I am saying take what you have, which is good, and really push yourself to your limits and make it great.  

Quoted from BenL Page 1:  First slugline is "INT. HOUSE - EMILY’S ROOM - DAY". I've never seen it in this order. Shouldn't this be "INT. EMILY’S ROOM, HOUSE - DAY"?

No, incorrect.

Always start with the "bigger" location, as Warren correctly did here.  Break it down from biggest to smallest.

Looks like you're not only having a ton of success, Warren, but you're also getting a ton of interest here on SS.  Very impressive.

I will be reading and commenting on this one shortly.

Totally baffled after reading.  I read through all the feedback and see your "reveal", but it doesn't work for me, sorry to say.

SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS

If everyone except for Oliver is "imaginary", this doesn't really make alot of sense, IMO.

On Page 2, you have Danny walking down the hall by himself, not in Oliver's view - this is beyond imaginary.

On Page 3 and 4, Kate is cooking - again, beyond imaginary.

I think if you pull out these 2 things and have the gun clearly in Oliver's hand at the end, it would be a bit more clear.

Overall, it reads pretty ell and is engaging, but as a few pointed out, Danny is a bit cliched in his portrayal of the classic horrible father.

Quoted from Dreamscale No, incorrect. Always start with the "bigger" location, as Warren correctly did here.  Break it down from biggest to smallest.

Never heard of that before but seems you're right, I've just found an article that says exactly the same.

Well, a LOT of people are doing it wrong then, including me.

Thanks for the read, TheSecond and Dreamscale.

The great thing about SS is that if you are lucky you are given lots of advise and varying opinions on everything. Then you can choose to do with it what you will.

TheSecond, without me actually knowning what you think the downfalls of the script are, I can't really use your comment in any constructive way other than to say thank you for the compliment.

Dreamscale, I agree that Danny can't be walking down the hall and will intro him as he enters the room.

I never planned in changing my slugs as that's the way I know to do them.

Will have a think about the other suggestions but I think I will pretty much leave it as is.

Thanks again

Its the simple things really that make for a great story.  Using things like random police officers for the final reveal is lazy writing.  I see it constantly, across all mediums, and it cheapens the art in my opinion.  

* spoiler *

Is Emily a mental projection of Oliver in female form?  Or is she a separate entity all together?  

      

Seemed like the logical way to go as cops would respond to a gunshots fired. I thought about a neighbor but they wouldn't really enter the house.

Anything else would change the story completely, I imagine, so I'm not sure what you had in mind for the reveal unfortunately.

She is a bit of both. She has taken Oliver's spot amongst his family (all imagined of course), but she also acts as his 'imaginary friend'.

Warren, while I ain't the format police I'm puzzled why you use a mini slug for EMILY'S ROOM, p.2, but choose not to for KITCHEN, LIVING ROOM etc apart from your opening slug of course.

And further to The Second's comment perhaps you should be more generic and just call it CHILD'S BEDROOM, or simply BEDROOM. Seems some people are still not getting it. Again, on screen it'll hopefully be clear.

OK, I'll duck out now; said enough.

G'luck with this one Warren.

LC, I only use mini slugs if the action literally flows from one room to another. If I'm starting a new scene I go back to a full slug.

This is my understanding of how to use them so that's how I do it and why.

Will have another read and see if I can make it more clear.

Thanks

LATEST AND I'D SAY FINAL VERSION OF THIS IS UP NOW.

Extremely happy to announce that My Imaginary Friend has been picked up for production.

This is even more exciting as this was picked up by a film crew in Miami currently shooting a feature. They have some time between filming and want to make this short. Production is expected to start as soon as next week.

So I will have a full crew,  with their director and equipment including red epics.

It's a good day:)

Oh and my STS review for Hannah's Demons went up today, feel free to check it out.

Unreal!  Dude, you da man!!!

It's a good story although at the beginning I thought that Danny was a bit too abusive for my tastes. There's just one side to him I thought.

Then you pulled me in - but the story was simple. It was on the page which is good, just I read something like this sometime in the past.

Then came the ending - I'm not sure how to interpret it, but I think it gives the story completely different angle. Oliver is real! But do explain please, what really happened.
I'm thinking it's a very interesting story, with a good ending. You just think to clear it up for us at the end, I think.

Thanks, Dreamscale.

Thanks for the read and comments, Khamanna.

As this will be getting produced I won't be making any changes.

Danny is meant to be overly abusive, so much so that he drives his son to kill himself in the end.

Have been many stories made where what you see is not what you get, this is however my take on that.

Yes Oliver is real, Emily is the imaginary friend.

The end is left slightly ambiguous. I think on screen it will be easier to get.

Thanks

ANNOUNCER
Now introducing...

Lights dim. Smoke fills the arena.

ANNOUNCER
The Machinnnnnnee!!!

Heavy metal blares. Pyrotechnics erupt as the crowd goes wild.

Haha,

Thanks, James.

Love it:)

Cast, crew, location and equipment all locked it.

Unless there is some catastrophic equipment failure or a natural disaster in Miami tomorrow, My Imaginary Friend will be filmed and the first of my scripts will come to life.

Behind the scenes photos to follow.

looking forward to seeing it

Here is a Director/DP Reel for the director.

There is just a small glimpse of My Imaginary Friend in the reel but I still thought it was worth sharing. This group of filmakers produce some seriously amazing work.

I tried to attach some BTS photos but I have no idea how to do it.

The part in the clip is the guy shaking the little girl awake and the older guy abusing the woman.

My Imaginary Friend - Sneak Peek

Sweet! Where is this being filmed?

Very cool

Hey, Steven.

It was filmed in Miami.

Did they find this here on SS?  Congrats on getting this filmed!

Thanks, Jeremiah.

No, this was in reply to a reddit ad (not one of Anthony's) looking for a short to film. I replied to the ad and they filmed a week later. They had a crew ready to go as they had just finished filming the director's first feature a few days earlier.

Quoted from Warren Thanks, Jeremiah. No, this was in reply to a reddit ad (not one of Anthony's) looking for a short to film. I replied to the ad and they filmed a week later. They had a crew ready to go as they had just finished filming the director's first feature a few days earlier.

Doesn't get any better than that!!  Can't wait to see it.

Congrats! The actor playing Oliver looks perfect for the part.

The whole thing is so well cast. I was sent some screenshots yesterday, Danny is truely terrifying.

I'm very excited about this, everything has just come togeather so well. Was meant to be.

Here are the screenshots I mentioned earlier. Apparently the colour correction still needs to be done.

Filmed

Thanks for getting this up, Don.

I'm extremely happy with it, hope everyone enjoys it.

Cheers.

Well done, Sir.

I thought the little girl was outstanding - especially for here age.

Only critique I would have as the should have made the dudes playing the cops shave/clean-up.

Congrats - great to see from word to film.

Thanks, Dave.

You were the first to comment on this way back when and you enjoyed the script so I'm glad the film worked for you.

Couldn't agree more, Alex, the young girl is a fantastic little actor.

Nice job!

Thanks.

Congrats, Warren!

Thanks, mate.

Warren,

Pretty good little film! Congrats!

Thank, Steven.

Appreciate it.

How's your little gem coming along, any word yet?

Which one? If you mean Silence, Eventually - the one where you helped me with the ending - that was actually filmed last weekend and is now in post. Ready Or Not, the two page horror I wrote, just got optioned and they're already storyboarding and seeking locations. So, I've been lucky the last few times.

Warren,
Watched the production first then read your script.  Reverse methodology on my part? Nah!

Yeah, I was fooled; you sold me and so did the director on Emily being the Imaginary Friend. Nice Twist!

I was a bit over my head with the rest. (Is that a SPOILER?) Were the parents there or not there until the picture frame?  Not enough info. for this one dimensional reader.  Very interesting premise  that got a bit too deep for me.

ANYWAY,
How psyched are you that a producer/director picked it up and filmed it.  
Question:  did the director ask you for any input before or during the shoot? If you have provided any comments, anywhere regarding this, where can I read them?

Congrats on your success.

JJ

Thanks for reading and watching.

It was always meant to be ambiguous. I've always enjoyed films that leave you with questions, and the fact that it generates discussion is great to see when I've watched it with groups of people.

I was quite involve with the process. I had an hour Skype with the cinematographer before anything started discussing mine and their vision for the film. I was also in contact with him and the director through a lot of the process.

It was a great learning curve and a very enjoyable experience.

I definitely learnt how impatient I am because nothing happens fast.

Hey, Steven.

Yes I meant Silence, eventually.

Still an absolute personal favourite of mine. Glad to hear it has wrapped up. I can't wait to see it. I really hope they do your script justice.

Congrats on another option.

Shameless bump

Love a few move views on this if anyone has 5.40 minutes to spare.

Hello,

I thought the subject was a bit different and well written and overall. However, I was confused at the end by the relation of the imaginary guy to the picture.What did it represent? There was a boy in the pictutre, but a girl in the screenplay and movie. What did I miss?

The guy wasn't imaginary, the girl was (that's the twist). The parents are not really there either, just in his mind. Through years of abuse he has completely lost his mind and resorts to suicide.

The picture at the end is him as a child with his actual parents, the same ones you see in the short. He is wearing the same jumpsuit as a kid as he is as an adult.

Not too many people quite get it but it always generates conversation about what people actually think happens or what it all means so I'm happy with that.

Ok, the ending did have me wondering, curious enough that I had to get further verification. Interesting...and a good way to garner interest.