A Day To Remember by Warren Duncan - Short, Supernatural - A young woman with amnesia must escape her captors to discover the truth about herself. - pdf, format 8)

Love a few reads please, I'm always good for a return.

Hey Warren.

You've been pretty active on the boards so I thought I'd take a look.

A couple things.  I would just describe Paul right off the bat.  He's introduced immediately after the mention so a cut of the middleman would be best IMO.

I'm not sure but you may want to include the slug after the flashback just in case.

SPOILERS

The amnesia angle is fine but one thing I doubt could be lost for a vampire is that thirst for blood and she has a pack hanging right above her without so much as a second glance.  To me that seemed like a wasted opportunity.  Her memories may be jumbled but the suppression of her primal vampire instinct would probably make its way through the haziness rather quickly or so I would assume.  It would be rather interesting to picture a vampire who didn't know they were a vampire puzzled as to why blood has a sudden effect on them.

The driver's reaction to Mike's intervention seemed a bit off as well.  While rereading the short, I would have expected him to react a bit more hysterically, perhaps a screeching of his tires to drive the point home.

That's all I've got.  It's a decent story and the writing grooves rather well.

-Johnny

Thanks for the read, Johnny.

Definitely some things I will take another look at tonight. I think you're right, I need to do something with the blood.

Thanks for the suggestions, much appreciated.

Hey Warren,

Quick and easy read. I liked it. The ending was good, although, when it comes to vampires, I feel like the sunlight hits them the very second they step into it. Which would mean she wouldn't have ran so far out, but that's just me.

Anyway, I've enjoyed all of your stories and this one fits right in. As a new, and ameturis writer, I can read your writing and learn.

Thanks

Thanks for the read and comments, Tor.

Glad you liked it and thanks for the compliment.

I agree about the sunlight, she really doesn't get that far though. the slug is front yard and there is literally one line of action before she starts to feel the effect. It should all happen quite fast, that's why she doesn't have enough time to get back inside either.

Hope that clears that up.

Thanks again.

Hi Warren,

This is a cool idea and you did a good job putting it together. Definitely something I'd watch if it got filmed. My only suggestion, storywise, is to maybe…

[SPOILER]

… give some more information about Paul and Kate's relationship and explain how Kate turned to a vampire (which seems to have happened recently, since she's 25 and Paul is also 25 in the flashback). This is the last thing Kate remembers, so it could be of some importance. (What e.g. if her transformation took place that particular day? Did Mike and Jeff have anything to do with it? And what happened to Paul?)

A formatting thing: When it comes to sounds, "OFF SCREEN" is implied – you don't need to mention it. For example, it's SIRENS because we can only hear the approaching ambulances or police cars, and it's FOOTSTEPS because we can only hear someone walking.

Finally, I'm not a native English speaker, but is this correct?

Quoted Text Blurred and almost indistinguishable, Kate watches MIKE help her to her feet.

I'd expect:

Quoted Text Kate watches MIKE, blurred and almost indistinguishable, help her to her feet.

Enough with the nitpicking, though. This is a good story and I hope it gets made. Good luck with it!

Manolis

Thanks for the read, Manolis.

Always feel free to nitpick away. I appreciate all and any feedback.

I will have another read of the script and look at the suggestions you have made.

Really glad you enjoyed it.

Warren,

Some notes.

I'm not sure this one conforms to the canon.  Do vampires bleed?  And aren't they pretty much indestructible?  So, I had a hard time accepting that she could be damaged by a car.  Also, with amnesia, wouldn't she ask who she is?  How could she offer money from a family she can't remember?  And can a vampire even get amnesia?  Don't know.

Those questions aside, this one works  in some senses.  I like the idea that she somehow either can't remember or no longer believes she's a vampire.  Fine with me.  

Best
Richard

Thanks for the read, Richard.

I realise I strayed from the norm a bit but I was okay with that.

The world's biggest vampire franchise to date not only had vampires that bleed, but ones that could walk outside and had skin that sparkled.

She can remember her family, the memories that she lost were of being a vampire, not of being normal or who she was. That's my whole premise.

Glad it worked on some level.

Appreciate your thoughts.

What's going on Waz-Dog!

Nice job. Your writing is mint and makes for a fast-paced, easy read. Massive bonus.

Although, not my kind of flick, I can appreciate what you've done here.

A suggestion: Top of page 2. Instead of hearing Mike and Driver talking over black, have a P.O.V from Kate's perspective. Show us blurry silhouettes of the fella's arguing and then one pissing off in a car.

The "HISS" reminded me of a cat. I hate cats. My girlfriend has a cat and it's a cunt.

Anyway...

Who is Paul? I get he must have been an ex of some sort, but maybe involve him in the story somehow. He's just kind of random at the moment. Or just give him the boot and have a subtle flashback of her being bit by something (vampire.) Give us a taste, but not the whole thing. Just yet.

Get rid of the flashback in the slug.

And this is damn nit-picky of me, but the names suck. You have a cool, creative little story going with the most unimaginative names in Kate, Paul, Mike and Jeff. Easy fix.

Or you could just tell me to jam it, and that you like those names because your best friends dad is called Jeff and uncle Jeff is a fucking legend. In that case.. I like the name, Jeff. Jeff rocks.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for the read and thoughts, Brandon.

Always like the positive comments.

I looked up what noise a vampire makes and people reckon it's a hiss so that's what I went with.

Paul is literally just a prop, yes probably an ex, lets us see Kate in the daylight not being a vampire. It's ment as an early redirection.

I'm an unimaginative name kinda guy. I can't really explain why. It's the same in everything I write.

Will never tell you to jam it and I love nitpicky, I'm the same in most of my reviews, suger coating serves no purpose. I want to know what my shortfalls are and how I can make them better. Obviously won't always take the advise but that doesn't mean I don't want it told the way it is.

Thanks again for the feedback.

This was decent.  I knew vampire the moment you mentioned her skin though. Maybe change it to "porcelain" skin and describe her as kind of geeky so we're not wondering why you mentioned her skin. And don't mention the men's skin. Also don't mention the windows are boarded up until she runs out of the basement, because most people assume basements are dark and again you're giving away your twist.

I wish there was more of a story to this other than the twist. I get that you implied she was kidnapped, but I would have liked more.

We hear Mike but we don't see Mike until she thinks he's a kidnapper. That's nice, but I don't think you should call him Mike while he's on the phone. Let us be just as surprised as your protagonist is when she's "captured".

Jeff shouldn't snicker either when she asks about to hospital. For th last time, it gives your twist away. Just have Mike and Jeff stare at each other. And make their actions more threatening.  I knew the whole time the girl was doing a disservice to herself. You should make the audience believe that she's in real danger.

Thanks for the read, Jean-Pierre

I wasn’t trying to hide a twist from the readers in the way you are implying, I’d be more interested in hiding it from a viewer if this were to be filmed, but even then that wouldn’t necessarily be my aim. Things like the colour of their skin, the boarded up house, Jeff’s snicker would have to be present (well maybe not the snicker, but I like it). With out these things it would take away from the fact that it’s a vampire story at all and wouldn’t make much sense.

This isn’t a mystery with a big reveal. There are lots of points where the reader/viewer can figure it out. It’s really only a mystery to Kate. We should have figured it out before she steps outside, wanting her not to do it.

Not sure there is much more of a story to tell, I mean, how long could you hide the fact that a vampire is a vampire? I never implied she was kidnapped at any point. She is the only one that thinks that. We know Mike is a friend from the very start.

Mike and Jeff aren’t threatening and to us they aren’t meant to be, they are her friends and Kate is never in real danger, her friends are trying to keep her safe.

So although I completely understand all the things you have suggested, they are not in line the story I set out to tell.

This was submitted as a supernatural drama, the drama part didn’t show up next to the logline for some reason. It wasn’t meant to be your typical horrific, thrilling, gory vampire flick. I feel the whole vampire thing has been done to death and I told myself I would never write anything with vampires unless I could do something a little different. I was going for friends trying to look out for a friend who happens to be a vampire. My angle being a vampire who can’t remember she’s a vampire. As far as I’m aware that hasn’t been done before.

Thanks again for your thoughts, always appreciated.

EDIT:

To any new readers there has been a few name changes.

Kate - Eve
Mike - Mika
Jeff - Remy

After thinking about a suggestion by Brandon, I decided to give these a go.

Code Shear agony...

Is the above an American thing or have you really got the wrong type of sheer? Here in the UK you shear a sheep or suffer sheer agony.

The idea is down and I do think that the story could do with some added misdirection so that the viewer is surprised when she burns up.

But, a producer will figure out how they want it to go. It's our job to get the bare bones down and you've done that. Good luck with it.

Thanks for the read, Dustin.

No it's the wrong shear but I would never have picked that one. Thanks for pointing it out.

Appreciated as always.

Hey, Warren,

That was a good quick read. Overall I liked it.

My only gripe, I wish there was a tiny bit more about her personal story. Paul and her - let it connect somehow with her being the vampire. Otherwise, for us to see Paul is not necessary I would think. But better have him and have a bit of their love story. Or some story to make us feel for her at the end.

So I want a little bit more.

Thanks for the read and input, Khamanna.

I feel like Paul was really just a prop to show Eve as a human, but this has been mentioned before so I will definitely have another think about whether I should give him a bit more substance.

Warren,

I like the idea but the set-up feels too vague for the payoff to make much impact.  I know next to nothing about your characters -- who or what they are to each other.

As it would appear on screen the flashback would just be wedged in there with little connection to events other than a hint that Eve wasn’t a vampire when she met Paul.  But Paul who?  What’s he got to do with this?  

Is it as simple as Eve’s injury causing her to forget she’s a vampire?  Seems like an odd choice -- to start the idea after she’s been turned.  She wasn’t a vampire, then she was, then she got hit by a car and forgot.  Seems like the more dramatic route would be to play this from her ‘turning’ the first time.  Maybe not a huge issue, but I wonder if the accident and amnesia complicate what could be a much simpler idea.

Think you could cut straight to the basement from the car door slamming -- there’s really nothing in the middle scene with Mika that we need to know.  Content wise you’re also giving us two similar scenes back-to-back.

It’s a good idea; could do with more understanding as to your characters’ world to tie it all together.  I feel like I should care about Eve (or perhaps the others for their loss?) otherwise it’s all falls a bit flat.  

Hope this helps,

Steve

Thanks for the read and insightful notes , Steve.

A few similar issues you have brought up to other readers. Will be having another look at this on the weekend.

Hey Warren.

Good concept. Your writing was good, but the pacing was off. I believe this would have more impact if you cut the entire opening scene and shorten the flashback. But maybe that's just me.

The dialog was solid for the most part. And your descriptions were often tight, though there were a few odd lines here and there.

I knew exactly how this was going to end the moment she freed herself from the bed in the basement. However you executed the ending sequence very well. It was very easy to imagine it on a screen. Kudos there. :)

Not bad at all. I do think this would benefit from a quicker pace, though.

3/5

~Zack~

Thanks for the read and positive comments, Zack.

I think, but I'm really not sure, that the problem with this script is that people expect it to be something it's not. Maybe because I tried something too different for a vampire flick.

I wanted you to know how this was going to end, or atleast think it, but I was hoping that the reader would will it not to happen then be sad when it did.

It was more about the guys trying to protect their friend and in the end not being able to. The vampire angle was ment less as a twist and really more as a reason to keep her locked up.

I haven't been given a score on this site before but for my first one I'm happy with a 3/5.

Thanks again for taking the time.

Warren, a good horror story. I would introduce a slug after the "end of flashback"
I've noticed that after that you have many changes of location. Remember that any location change (kitchen, room etc.) cost money. Hence, it should be indicated clearly in the slug.
Maybe Eve should incinerate immediately soon after she opens the door. But, I admit it, I'm not an expert on vampires. Maybe they have a temporary resistance to day light.
I would love to see its production.
My best,
Fausto  

Thanks for the read, Fausto.

This wasn't meant to be a horror. I was going for something a bit different with the vampire subgenre.

In most vampire movies/shows the rate of incineration differs, I don't think it's something to get hung up on. It is still quite quick though.

Appreciate the feedback.

Good writing. My only note is the dialogue is a bit too long at times. Too much talking. But overall, decent story.

Thanks for the read, Olga.

That's a first for me, being told the dialogue is a bit long. I am such a lean writter as is, I'm not really sure what I'd be able to do away with without affecting the story.

Production on this starts next weekend.

Title change to An Acquired Taste and vampires to cannibals. Both approved by myself.

Actually not a fan of vampire films but this has so little focus on vampires that I thought it was okay.

In light of me recently watching Raw and loving it, I'm glad this has changed to cannibals.

Should be completed by late August.

Just read it, I really liked it. I'd be interested to see it with the changes. Congrats.

Thanks for the read Roy, glad you liked it.

Congrats Warren and good luck! Nice to see so many things happen to your scripts these days.

This has been filmed. Some behind the scenes photos for now. Another one in the bag:)

Just got word that this is almost complete. Here is the poster.

EDIT:

Awaiting new poster, Last one had a typo:)

Solid poster!

Be sure to post when the film is up.

Thanks Dave.

Will do.

Brutal poster! Love it!

Brutal is good:)

A night to remeber?

haha

Good luck.

Already pointed out.

Was the obvious fake tongue also pointed out?

Wicked poster and intriguing shots, Warren. Good luck to you with the short.

Thanks, Khamanna.

Dustin, this will be the last post I ever address you in. It is your right as a member on this site to have your say and your opinions. I don't like you, I don't like the way you think, I don't like the way you treat people or the way you talk other people down.

Not sure why you crawled back out of the hole you went into but I think it's a shame for the site as a whole to have you back. Most of us remember (two m's) how you left with your tail between your legs.

I won't comment on anything you write. Feel free to comment on my stuff, but like I said you will get no acknowledgment from me.

All the best with your writing career.

Quoted from Warren Dustin, this will be the last post I ever address you in. It is your right as a member on this site to have your say and your opinions.

It's not my right to have a say and share my opinions on this site. It is a right granted by the site owner that an be revoked at any time.

Quoted from Warren I don't like you, I don't like the way you think...

I'm so glad to hear this. I am as equally repulsed by your sheep-like mindset. It's so freeing to be able to let it all out. Thanks.

Quoted from Warren I don't like the way you treat people or the way you talk other people down.

What people? There are plenty of people that I imagine would say, I'm very, very nice. I also agree that there are certain people I can't get along with. People I consider to be fraudulent or dishonest in some way. Those locked within a specific mindset, that can't see outside the box they are in, I just don't have any time for.

Quoted from Warren Not sure why you crawled back out of the hole you went into but I think it's a shame for the site as a whole to have you back. Most of us remember (two m's) how you left with your tail between your legs.

Two m's?

I didn't crawl into a hole, I just left the site. I left the site because I felt that [Redacted]  bullshit stood better than my blunt honesty. I left because I felt that people prefer bullshit. Which, generally speaking, we do.

Quoted from Warren I won't comment on anything you write. Feel free to comment on my stuff, but I like I said you will get no acknowledgment from me.

That's good, Warren. I look forward to commenting on your scripts.

Quoted from Warren All the best with your writing career.

Why not finish with some bullshit. Par for the course, eh.

Warren

I’m at Mike’s “Just leave, now!” line on page 2 and already I’m going out on a limb and predicting they are vampires...reading on...

Yep, so they were and yes, I’m being that know it all a?shole, apologies but due to the saturation of vampires in entertainment it’s hard not to go there. The “Are you hungry?” line on page one was a giveaway and, believe me, I’m usually slow on the uptake in regards, reveals, twists, etc. I wonder could you make that more oblique because combined with Mika’s line above sent up red flags straight away.

Along with the house’s bordered up windows and Eve’s lack of injuries post crash confirmed suspicions.

However, that aside, your writing moves along at a nice pace, the prose is clean and terse.

Regardless of what I’ve said, story wise, I think you got something interesting here, perhaps it wouldn’t be a so obvious on screen, that’s sometimes hard to tell. When reading, we can stop and take stock and often rumble a story before the writer wants us to.

This is a cool concept as we’re not sure of who to trust and what the character motivations are. Why didn’t they wait for the ambulance and why not bring her to a hospital? Once we know though, I have to wonder why they wouldn’t be up front with Eve from the beginning. They’re going to have to tell her at some point why delay it and risk her trying to escape, which is what she does and look what happened? Yes, that’s easy to say in hindsight but is there some obstacle or reasoning you can put in their way as to why they don’t just tell her right off the bat?

As it stands, they are keeping her here without explanation, thus it gets us thinking why, which leads us to vampires (at least for me anyway) No wonder Eve doesn’t trust them and seeks escape. True, the amnesia doesn’t help their case but if you could work in some concrete logical reason as to why they’ve haven’t brought her straight to hospital like an normal person would it might lead us away from the script’s real intentions.

Instead they are debating whether to tell her something or not which is again too much of a hint, too revealing.

This may be a bad example but think of 10 Cloverfield Lane. Only for the stated, real or otherwise, threat of some alien/chemical warfare threat outside, John Goodman’s character would be immediately deemed a flat out lunatic who is not to be trusted but because we don’t know what’s actually out there, he could be telling the truth. That tension and mystery makes the premise work. Obviously here you can’t use the same device but Mika and Remy have no bargaining chip to convince Eve they have her best interests at heart which brings me full circle as to questioning why they don’t just tell her what she is. I appreciate the story doesn’t work then but you catch my drift, it’s a plot mechanic that falls down under scrutiny, in my opinion.

Ok, I’m talking in roundabouts now, decent effort but needs more to keep the cat from exiting the bag too soon.

And congrats on getting it filmed.

Col.

Thanks for the read.

I think I mentioned it in a previous post, but it's not an issue for me if you know they're vampires, the only person who isn’t supposed to know is Eve. Its wasn’t too much of a secret.

Thanks for the kind words on the script.

Unfortunately this was one of those scripts where it was filmed, I saw some production photos and a rough scene edit. They also made a film poster, albeit with a typo, then I got an email from the producer saying they weren’t going to finish it, but did I want to collaborate on writing a feature? WTF. So that was that.

Thanks again.

Quoted from Warren ... then I got an email from the producer saying they weren’t going to finish it, but did I want to collaborate on writing a feature? WTF. So that was that.

Ah, that wonderful word 'collaboration'. You do all the work while we sit back and eventually toss your efforts in the bin because we didn't have enough to pay you in the first place and certainly not enough to ever make a feature, haha!

Quoted from DustinBowcot Ah, that wonderful word 'collaboration'. You do all the work while we sit back and eventually toss your efforts in the bin because we didn't have enough to pay you in the first place and certainly not enough to ever make a feature, haha!

I realise it’s not the case, but it almost felt like he had gone through all the effort of making the film just to ask me that. It was so left field.

Be so much easier if people had enough respect for the writer to clearly communicate their intentions.

It’s the second script of mine that was definitely filmed and never completed, the other is Hush. The teaser is in the filmed section. Why even bother?

Quoted from Warren Thanks for the read. I think I mentioned it in a previous post, but it's not an issue for me if you know they're vampires, the only person who isn’t supposed to know is Eve. Its wasn’t too much of a secret. Thanks for the kind words on the script. Unfortunately this was one of those scripts where it was filmed, I saw some production photos and a rough scene edit. They also made a film poster, albeit with a typo, then I got an email from the producer saying they weren’t going to finish it, but did I want to collaborate on writing a feature? WTF. So that was that. Thanks again.

That takes the cake

Quoted from Warren I think I mentioned it in a previous post, but it's not an issue for me if you know they're vampires, the only person who isn’t supposed to know is Eve. Its wasn’t too much of a secret.

- Fair enough, although it may add an extra dimension to the script if this was somehow withheld until the final scene. Her burning up would land with greater impact.

Quoted from Warren Unfortunately this was one of those scripts where it was filmed, I saw some production photos and a rough scene edit. They also made a film poster, albeit with a typo, then I got an email from the producer saying they weren’t going to finish it, but did I want to collaborate on writing a feature? WTF. So that was that.

- Sickening though not uncommon. The collaboration "offer" is particularly galling. A lot of folk here have had similar experiences. Its happened to me a few times too so I don't presume anything and expect nothing until there is a finished film.

So it's a vampire screenplay?

But your vampire doesn't have superhuman strength, speed, agility? She just gets smacked by a car like a dumb, ordinary bimbo?

And then there's bad, uninspired dialogue.

o k.

Quoted from TheWarddd So it's a vampire screenplay? But your vampire doesn't have superhuman strength, speed, agility? She just gets smacked by a car like a dumb, ordinary bimbo? And then there's bad, uninspired dialogue. o k.

Ha-ha, this is going to be fun.

Quoted from TheWarddd So it's a vampire screenplay? But your vampire doesn't have superhuman strength, speed, agility? She just gets smacked by a car like a dumb, ordinary bimbo? And then there's bad, uninspired dialogue. o k.

In your previous review you got cranky because I was too cliché and now you’re upset because I didn’t have cliché vampires?

Maybe you can try and decide where you stand on this. I mean, I know you are reviewing my work with the sole intent of talking it down because you can't accept the review I gave your truly terrible script. Maybe for your next review you can have a consistent opinion on something.

Quoted from Warren In your previous review you got cranky because I was too cliché and now you’re upset because I didn’t have cliché vampires? Maybe you can try and decide where you stand on this. I mean, I know you are reviewing my work with the sole intent of talking it down because you can't accept the review I gave your truly terrible script. Maybe for your next review you can have a consistent opinion on something.

Now you're making shit up to mentally shield yourself from my criticism.

Why would I be cranky at your script? Yes, I thought it was bad.. but I didn't write it.

People expect a certain something[b][/b] from screen vampires.. but you take a powerful supernatural being: the vampire.. then you smack it down with a car.

A vampire can be a cliche, but many creators have found ways of reinventing them.

What you're doing is "uninventing" a vampire.

After vampire movies like Twilight, the Kate Bekingsale ones, and even shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer... people expect more from vampires, and not less.

To shield myself from your criticism, brilliant. I've decided you should definately hang around the site, you may be a bad writer but you definately add some entertainment value, like the class clown or something.