Guilt Trip by ? - Short, Drama - A short fare across town turns into a guilt trip down memory lane. - pdf, format 8)

Ooh, first cab off the rank. :) Sorry couldn't resist.

Nothing like a guilty conscience. Some nice themes here., and some nice dialogue. Perhaps a bit shorter is my only suggestion.

SPOILERS AHEAD

Felt this was a bit of a roundabout journey to find a disappointing destination.

The first scene was nice - although not original (what is) it was still a nice touch. But after that...

Too much dialogue - no, too much voice over monologue. Everyone has an opinion on VO, but while I don't mind it, I think it needs to be used appropriately. Here there's far too much of it - and it makes this more like a radio play!

Couple of other points: Give the Executive a name. It doesn't work just calling him by a title throughout like this, not when the Driver is also anonymous. Is the intention that he's a "type"?

$12 million doesn't sound much nowadays. Loose change to a multinational I would have thought.

The Brooklynese speech of the driver soon got wearing.

"satchel"? Briefcase surely?

Not an expert but wouldn't the Driver be in serious trouble for not displaying his badge properly?

The basic idea was interesting - but I'm not sure it held water really. Its a cliche to have a guilt ridden banker type - and just because a Taxi Driver knew the address he was going to, surely that wouldn't be enough to cause this level of anxiety. Aren't taxi drivers supposed to know where they are going?

One final thought - the driver wears ray bans and drinks in the same club as a City exec - how much does he earn?

Not bad all round though.

3 out of 5

Hmmm

I liked some of the banter here and the escalating panic of the exec was good too, but...

Why did he leap to such a conclusion? Just because he knew the address?

And the twist felt somewhat of a let down, definitely didn't see it coming but left me with 'oh, was that it?'

Overall not too bad but I wanted a punchier end.

Starting in space, this was meant to be low budget?? We'll never know what they can do these days.

I liked the misunderstanding. The guilt of a memory roving not to be the issue. There was a Reasonable amount of tension.

Like most here it needs a clean up and focus, but the lasting impression of someone carrying a guilt, what they will do to hide, how they misunderstand and jump to conclusions in a defensive manner is decent turf.

Pass/consider - I'll ponder

Opening slug - probably should have this different.  Just the opening has this budget up there.  I'll keep going.  Numbers should be spelled out (so I've heard) but didn't slow me down.  Again being picky, I thought cabs had one long seat in the back.  He kept going from seat to seat in the back.  Just clear that up.

Okay after all that, I liked it.  The dialogue was good for the most part representing a New York accent.  I know most want a bigger twist at the end, but for me it was appropriate and fit.  Good job here.

Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson   Again being picky, I thought cabs had one long seat in the back.  He kept going from seat to seat in the back.  Just clear that up.

I took this to mean he was sliding along the seat from one side to the other (ie passenger side to driver's side) but it wasn't very clear.  

Quoted from SimonM I took this to mean he was sliding along the seat from one side to the other (ie passenger side to driver's side) but it wasn't very clear.

I was thinking that but that's not how it read.  It didn't really slow it down, just me being a pain in the back seat! ;D

Couple of typos but no big deal.
I'd get rid of "MORE" and "CONTINUED" it's just clutter.
The tension was good throughout.
Have to agree that the written accent got to be a bit tedious.
Seems that old habits never die and the cab driver is still scamming people.
Generally nice work but the ending was a let-down for me.

I liked it. Good premise:  An executive who owed a cab driver money is reminded  to pay up -- more or less.  Consider trimming the current script to a tight story and it might make a good light short. Maybe drop the NY thing completely so it connects with a wider audience. (Wait. That's wrong. NY is pretty much familiar to the whole world and who doesn't like a good NY accent?) Or, amp it up to be a little grittier. The executive is a tough as nails NYer who doesn't negotiate with cab drivers might be one way to go.  One real easy fix. Name your major characters. The I Love Lucy show was not called the I Love HOUSEWIFE show.  

Some notes.

I liked this one.  A nice build up with a reversal.  Good job.

Best
Richard

Writer,

Nice job on finishing this in a weeks time. You have a good message to relay regarding your story, but in between this is so overwritten and had EXECUTIVE speaking aloud to himself numerous times, as well as saying the same thing numerous times. There's no need for that. Once will do, and you're free to write on about other things, like building the action with your writing and not with your dialogue. Your action blocks can be trimmed and you could probably cut down at least a page here and streamline this into a nice, quick read. With those things, your story would probably shine through stronger. Also, in the future it'd be best to give your characters actual names. It'll help the reader latch onto your characters better than Driver and Executive.

Overall, needs work. Good effort!

Steve

I'm out on page 1.  Why in the world would you start this with a 6 line passage from outer space?  Why would you begin it with "We see"?

3rd passages again begins with "We see".

No name for your characters?

Oh boy...sorry, I'm done here.

Grade - D-

Wow. Using cheesy VO to relay the character's thoughts. I hate that so much. It just reminds me of every bad film I've ever seen.

I got past the first page and your dialogue was pretty good. I wanted to know more. I even got over all the irritating facial expressions as action lines. But the VO is a killer for me. Some of the action reads a bit funky too.

A pass.

First off, some good tension building throughout.

Not really my kind of story .

Need to loose the we sees.

There are grammar issues and some passive writing.

The constant V.O.’s get really annoying really quickly.

Some of the slugs could be written better.

Clever title, the idea would grow from that.

From the description, I thought the cabbie was going to be a ghost from the 1950s, about the last time anyone with a Brooklyn accent and Mets cap drove a cab in New York! I like the simple pay-off, I feared he would turn out to be a demon driving him straight to Hell or some such nonsense. It might be more plausible if he turned out to have spotted him for a free cab ride?

For the writing, I would have many picky issues such as use of ampersand but it is an OWC. I've seen rearview, rear-view and rear view used in this challenge, and you use two different twice each. If you can't be right, be consistent. Same with the accent - if "shady tings"  are going down they are "goin'". Like others I found the phonetics distracting.

I don't see a need for the zoom in from satellite or the specific address. It's Wall Street.

I would prefer not to use voice over, it reminds me of an episode of Twilight Zone, or the bit in AIRPLANE! "Jim never has a second cup of coffee at home..." You might have been able to show his increasing discomfort through dialogue and loosening his tie, etc. Instead of "Do I know a Jack Turner?" he could just ask.

The story builds on tension once we know it's his conscience working, yet it seemed a short time to go from callous gloating (he must realise that $12m comes from somewhere) to cringing wreck. At one point you let him off with "The executive is beginning to look a little more relaxed with each passing moment" and there is welcome silence, then he's back to panic and sweat. I don't believe he's learned a lesson by the end.

Since it is a simple story, it could be told quicker. With an edit it could be 5 pages and fun. A good effort.

Quoted from NW3 From the description, I thought the cabbie was going to be a ghost from the 1950s, about the last time anyone with a Brooklyn accent and Mets cap drove a cab in New York!

That's a nice idea...

Gripping script, solid tension throughout and nice twist at the end. Great job!

I'm going on my own guilt trip here as I struggled with this one. The establishing shot is extraneous and would be added in a shooting script. It's a nice little touch but time would have better been spent on story and character development.

If you are going to use VO then it should reveal interesting and entertaining information we can't glean from the visuals, like how it is done in Fight Club or Mr. Robot. Here we can see the Executive is growing increasingly uncomfortable as he tries to put 2 + 2 together about the driver and his connection to the housing market crash of 2008 but we get all this from the dialogue and the character's actions. You show us, then you tell us basically the same information in the VO.

You did reverse it in a way I didn't see coming at the end so hats off for that, it was a nice touch. It just didn't feel enough of a payoff from a script which is mainly dialogue.

I don't see this as a trapped in a taxi scenario either. This guy got in the cab voluntarily and got out at the destination he specified. He may have felt a bit trapped towards the end but that is stretching it.

-Mark

I was going to bail on this because of the V.O.'s but I started just ignoring them and reading the actual dialogue. Surprisingly, the dialogue is solid. Actually, the whole thing is a very solid little mistaken identity/guilty conscience tale.

You need to get rid of all the V.O. stuff. All of it, every single line. You can show the executives growing discomfort/fear through a worried glance in the driver's mirror, a squirm in his seat, etc. There is zero need for voice over and it almost destroys an otherwise well executed story. I am asking you, no, I am begging you, please get rid of the V.O.

I think someone could do a good job of this one. Axe all the unnecessary V.O., lose some extraneous dialogue, give the Driver a couple more lines to make the Executive feel like there's a bad past here, and I think it'd be a very solid short film. A great challenge for a director with the main bulk of the conflict told through visuals.

I think hugging the Driver at the end is a bit much -- I don't really buy that he's been reduced quite to that point. And I'd hammer harder on the lost-a-job-in-08 thing. But yeah. Thumbs up from me. Enjoyed this one and didn't know how it was going to end.

Lots of tension coming at us in just a few pages. I thought you were going to pull out all the stops on this, and shoot us an elaborate story on how this Wall Street Exec ruined the cabbie's life... glad you didn't, probably would have suffered.

Although, I think the cabbie could whip out a Blue Chip portfolio, or some bullshit like that, and ask the Exec to give it a once over to really heighten the tension... make the Exec think this driver doesn't just slice Lox in his spare time and, just might be intelligent enough to put him in the vice for his previous deeds. More tension is always better.

Great title, ambiguous and clever. Alas, I won't bang on, you have more than enough comments to go on... good work.

Good title.

I have no idea why the opening POV had to be from space.

To "we sees" on the first page - I am not against this entirely  but they seemed unnecessary.

Too many voice overs - one or two could have worked. But much of it could have been handled in dialogue.

Great premise and a nice little twist.

This will benefit from a clean-up. It has the bones - just needs better execution.

Writer,

It's a good idea having the voice overs to help build the tension, but maybe cut them back a bit, they started to get annoying after a while. Also lose the continued's at the top of the page.

Apart from those niggles, and a couple of typos, this worked for me. It came across as a serious version of Peep Show (UK programming, not sure if it made the USA) with the voice overs. Also it's great to see a potential psycho taxi driver actually just be a good guy.

Good effort

Cam

Out by page 1. Basically, what Dreamscale said. (Never thought I'd agree with him)

Never number your first page. Amateur mistake. What program did you use? Not a good start at all.

How on Earth are you going to film Earth? Do you work for NASA? Scale model? CGI?

Opening paragraph is a tad too long.

(MORE) followed by (continued) is redundantly redundant and another rookie mistake.

CONTINUED: didn't work for me. It reads like a slug or shot. CONT'D should only ever be used for dialogue that starts at the bottom of Page A and ends exactly at the top of Page B, with no action, shot change, etc. I between.

Very disappointing on a technical level.

1/10 pass. F.

I didn't care for it either.  No one was trapped in a cab.  The VO stuff got dull.  And the ending was a gigantic disappointment.

Starting in space isn't cheap either...

I agree with everyone else.  It could be interesting, perhaps if you add in names and if you gave us examples of the people the executive did screw over, as he's recalling his life.

Also, a big test for me, does the ending make the beginning make sense?  In other words, the driver knows he paid the executive's bill.  So, why wouldn't he say good seeing you again or mention about the time in the bar?  

4/10 because he wasn't trapped and wasn't cheap.  So, the OWC wasn't met.  Sorry.

Dan

I like this one. I agree that the VOs should be cut down, but I think you'd be hard pressed to do it this without them completely. There's no cheap visual way to portray a man trying, and failing, to remember something and have the point come across like it does here. Just try to keep succinct and not have it be blatantly expositional.

Oh, and starting from space is odd for reasons that have nothing to do with budget. But overall I liked this a lot. It's hard to say how you could add more, so I’d just tighten it up in the ways others have mentioned and execute the heck out of it. The story itself is pretty much already there.

I liked this one, and I liked the way it ended. I was hoping it wouldn't end with the driver killing the executive out of revenge, which is where I thought it may have been going. It kept my interest throughout, good job.

It went somewhere I didn’t expect, which was a nice touch, though I’m not sure it really stands out - more of a slow-burn to a damp fizzle.  It's an interesting premise - ratchet the tension with the subtle questioning and growing paranoia but I’m not convinced the ending satisfies.  I’d like to have seen Executive (why not just give him a name?) really put through the wringer or taught a lesson at least.  There’s the suggestion he pulled something shady, which in turn suggests he’s due some comeuppance and the payoff falls flat when nothing of the sort materializes.  

Fancy satellite intro feels completely unrelated to what follows, puts me in the mind of a thriller and kind of a red herring for what follows.

Nice idea, falls a bit flat and I’m not sure Executive was technically trapped.  Maybe he felt trapped?

Had to get past the V.O. and a bunch of typos.
Read it to the end, not sure why you didn't give the characters names.

It was a nice little story, guilt getting the better of the Executive... I thought the driver was gonna run him over at the end lol

Good job on entering

Guilt Trip, Stream of Consciousness review…

Oh God – starting at the Trump building?!?  Wow, that doesn’t bode well!  :P

A little bit too much in the way of We Sees… IMHO.
Okay – as a Bronx person, I’m already wondering if the writer’s a native New Yorker.  The Blue Note -  nice touch!

P 3: Okay, I already know where this is going… but it’s worth the continued fare for the rest of the ride….

The end – okay – that wasn’t what I was expecting (obviously, that the Driver is a time traveling version of the executive, looking to get him to amend his ways before it’s too late.  I still think that’d be a good way to go, as long as it stays subtle.)

That said, what exactly does the ending mean?  Is it just a narrative feint?  Or something else.

Plot issues aside, I do think this one needs a bit of stylistic polish.  But it’s definitely got potential, depending what avenues (pun intended) it takes.

Cheers!

"He’s doing this on purpose, I know it."

I disliked how his inner voice says that. It sounds not authentic. People think more abstract.  

A lot of other stuff is good though.

Okay, okay. The idea of having an escalating situation resolving in an unexpected, peaceful way is quite interesting. Good choice. But more drama, more discomforting, more taking it to the top. It's too tender for a 9 p length. Cut and Dramatize.