Jackrabbit by The Phantom Menace - Short, Sci Fi, Comedy - A rookie driver and a taxi that can can go back in time fifteen minutes so the client can never be late. With a skeptic as the fare, what can possibly go wrong? - pdf, format 8)

Interesting concept. I thoroughly enjoyed this story, I wish it went on for longer.

By the way, there's a typo on page 3, where it says GWes instead of WES.

Nice. Original.

What a description: somewhere between a biker momma and science nerd. LOL

There were more than one typo... What it is, is you're "m's". You're missing a lot of them. Missing a period.

But, I enjoyed the read. Wish I had one of those cabs for myself.

Good job.
Congrats on completing the challenge.

Cindy

The number of typos is distracting, but it's OWC so time may well have run out...

Liked the premise of this but was dialogue heavy, not sure you needed so much as it felt Wes was explaining the story.

But with some editing and more reliance on showing I think this would be good.

I wonder... do you need the bagel scene??? just a thought.

Lol, really good concept but handled in a very awkward way. The first couple of scenes have absolutely no flow at all. The dialogue is very stilted and I kept having to re-read most of it. Once we learn whats going on, it goes a bit smoother, and I love the paradoxes and stuff that comes with any 'tie travel' lol.

Give it a consider as it has real potential

So who was trapped?  Was it Brock?  Interesting idea but I got so lost in the dialogue as you tried to explain the concept that I’m not sure what the story was all about.  I’d consider spending less time trying to tell us the concept and focus more on showing us how this time taxi works.  A good idea but for me it needs more fun, less science and a good proofread.

A lot typos, missing letters... spelt 'fro' instead  of 'for' a few times.

One of the more original scripts I've read and I really enjoyed the set up, trapped in a loop.
Obviously both were trapped but only Wes knew about it... a shitty dilemma to be stuck in.

Good writing and great pacing

Good job on entering and remember to read other scripts

I'm afraid I just couldn't get into this - I had to reread the opening scene several times just to try to get a grip on it and after that I really struggled to continue.

The idea is nice, but it's very sluggishly developed and ironically seemed to take far to long to get to the end.

Now, I don't usually mention typos as I think the story is more important than the typing - but...is the M missing from your keyboard? Seriously it was distracting in the extreme and sloppy. Even if you were pushing against the deadline, the spell check should have thrown most of them up and you could have corrected some of them.

Sorry but when you are trying to read it and every few words has a issue it gets wearing.

3 out of 5 - for the concept, which I liked - not the execution.

Well, time loops can be redundant, can't they?
Would it be possible to skip the first time Brock is in the cab and compress everything into the second cab visit -- where Wes solves his problem of proof?
I did like the concept.

A good round of editing would have helped this tremendously. When I see long blocks of dialogue, there's often way too much talking in the set up. " I could tell you, but it’s better if you find out for yourself." Georgia, owner of Jackrabbit Cabs

Good idea, bit all over the road in execution. Time travel stories are always mind benders and the key is often in the writing. Definitely rewrite as it's an inventive concept. I didn't get that Brock was trapped. And I read 'pigs in his pockets' thinking it was some new slang daggy me is not up with, then finally realised typo: digs. Duh, me.

I tried to get into this but your keyboard has an "m" problem.  Not every time because the next sentence will have an "m" just fine.  Glad you can think up a complicated story in such a short time, and with more thought, could get it sounding right on page.  As it stands now, I can't follow it.  Interesting, but lost me.  Stay at it though.

Interesting idea, well paced and overall an enjoyable read. I'd say this was one of the better efforts, but the typos kinda ruined this one for me.

I honestly couldn't get past the first page.

This is a garage with a table? Do people have picnics at this garage? Maybe you have a specific garage in mind? I'm assuming garage as in petrol station. Just too confusing for me.

A pass.

Some notes.

I liked the premise.  I thought the explanation was unnecessary.  It doesn't matter how it works, just that it does.  And if it could go wrong once or twice...

Best
Richard

I went into this thinking (and how could I not) that this was the umpteenth Bunnyman script. I'm kinda disappointed it wasn't.

I honestly got lost, and not to mention the deja vu. I agree the typos are distracting.

Way too much repetition and deja vu. At least keep it freah (and easy to follow) like the Back to the Future trilogy. BTTF Part II didn't simply retread the first film's 1955, it did something fresh.

If you're gonna do time travel, make it easy to follow and understand.

I would probably consider this with a significant rewrite. B

Writer,

Great premise you have here! Well done. However, what's holding this back is the execution. The story between Brock and Wes seems to get so convoluted that I just followed along, knowing this was a good premise and waiting to see if you had a nifty reveal at the end. The reveal tied things up, but this just didn't leave me satisfied. Also, I'm guessing time restraint, but this has way too many typos/misspellings -- so many that it detracts from the read. Also, you tacked on an extra blank page at the end that makes it appear as if this is over the limit. It's not, of course, but some readers might have passed this by just based on that.

Overall, a solid premise that needs work.

Steve

P2 pigs in her pocket!  A few typos as we go.

A time loop got a taxi - nice. I just couldn't get into it, in fact was quite confused

But it has something and given time, and a hearty clean up, could be a cheap to film curious idea.

Pass/consider

Sloppy writing with typos throughout and an extra page at the end.

Dialogue is expositional, 90% of your story happens in the dialogue, that’s going to be really boring on screen.

Doesn’t work for me.

Many, many typos.

Interesting premise - some parts were well done. But I found it inconsistent in quality.

This is an amazing concept. Based on all the typos, I’m assuming you just ran out of time. It’s a shame cuz this idea has so much potential. I would propose on of two things on the re-write:

A) Get rid of the opening entirely. You can open on him in the cab, already an experienced driver, without losing anything. He can do a little exposition through his dialogue with the passenger, then it's off to races.  

B) Keep the opening, go straight from the warning that it’s a test run and he shouldn’t pick anyone up to him driving on the test run as a newbie driver… he fails to follow the warning and picks someone up and that causes him to go into the loop.

Gotta love the time travel paradox with the unsuspecting fare and a knowing driver. Enough said about typos and the distraction it causes. I too had to read the beginning again to get it straight in my head though. Very good work, just get someone to proof it for you!

Oh boy...so many mistakes!  I can't take it!!

Another writer who just doesn't understand how to break up passages...or how to write complete sentences with subjects...or when to attach a phrase to the sentence in front of it with a comma.

So awkward, and so dull on page 1, I'm going to bow out now, sorry to say.

No grade

This has a few things in common with other time-travel movies I've seen (Primer is the only title I can remember at the moment), but you've found an inventive variation. Jackrabbit Taxi.
Yes, you have to neaten up the script, but you likely knew that even before it was posted. Not a big deal. You ought to pitch this to Netflix for a series.
Henry

I didn't get the beginning with the bagel trip. Wasn't sure what the test was or why it made both parties agree to work for each other. I thought there would be a clever link back to the bagel thing at the end but there wasn't.

I also wasn't quite sure how he escaped the loop. Did he just go back in time to before the guy ordered the taxi? Seems quite an obvious way out, not sure why that is considered not being honest.  

Timeywhimey stuff can be hard to get across in a script, especially one with so many typos so I'm sure it's just me. It's also hard to imagine if time travel was invented it would be used just to make taxis arrive on time, but it was a fun and original take on the OWC.

-Mark

Solid, fun stuff that just needs a rewrite to clarify. As is, once you muddle out what the story is, it's an entertaining one. It's just a lot harder than it should be to muddle.

If there's a way to cut down on exposition, I'd fill up the extra time with more of a character clash between Brock and Wes. There's tons of conflict between them, and a lot more comedy could come out of it than does.

I liked it.

I liked it, but, the typos and other errors were annoying.

Some of the dialog was hard to follow.  I think you should have started with Brock and with Wes telling him off...

SPOILERS
I didn't understand how he went back in time 30 min to escape the time loop.  

Also, at the beginning, if she told him not to open anything, even a window, how was he supposed to get the bagel at the shop, through the drive through?

Fix it up, I'd take out the beginning and start with Brock.  That's your story.  We learn nothing from the beginning part at all, no intro to the time travel car, and how can he work something so complex without training...

6.5/10

Dan

I had to re-read this and re-read this just to get a few pages in but, when it finally hit me what was going on here I was all Gobsmacked n' shit... whatever that means. Massive points for imagination and, (I'm not just being pseudo intellectual here)... being intellectual about the persistent cash flow angle, wads of $100s, jeez...

Typos up the Ying/Yang but creative to say the least. Good work.

I was unclear at first how the intro part fed into the next bit. It felt like a sloppy transition that left me confused. Effectively, I'm ignoring the prologue and pretending this started at “CARPOOL”. I also feel like we don't really need to see how Wes got the job in order to set up what comes next.

The time loop Wes describes being trapped in seems like it would be easily broken by simply refusing any more fares. Am I missing something?

Page 9 “Wes programs a course in his computer.”

If he just stops doing that, he's free to leave.

There's some interesting ideas here. I found myself wondering how much his job would eat up his life if every day at work was essentially twice as long as it should be. By the end of the first year you'd be two years older. Extrapolate a career in this and there's some tragic consequences. Unfortunately I didn't buy into the particular problem you presented. I didn't see how there wasn't an easy fix, which pretty much debilitated any part of the story that stems from that.

It's ambitious and worth working on, but the logic either needs to be better thought through or better explained.

Quoted from Don Jackrabbit by The Phantom Menace - Short, Sci Fi, Comedy - A rookie driver and a taxi that can can go back in time fifteen minutes so the client can never be late. With a skeptic as the fare, what can possibly go wrong? - pdf, format 8)

Thanks to all who read this. it cae as a surprise to me, as the keyboard kept having the m skipping and I thought I got them all but it seems not to be the case. The script was not written in haste, however, even though I had an earlier preise that I decided would be better be served as a longer piece ("Honeycomb Apocalypse"- see 'work in progress' thread)

I actually shaved off some pages with Jackrabbit. I'll put the back soon. (we are talking three pages more) I . It is also possible during editing some things got garbled. That's on me.
I don't think this is some of my best work in a OWC, but I was amazed at the overall positive response desite the errors.

Again, thanks to all who...
oh--

You really did want The Bunnyman to show up? Hmmmm....