The Last Cab by Duke Of Weaseltown - Short, Sci Fi - Two lonely cab drivers pick up two passengers who desperately want to see their loved ones during a traffic jam of "biblical" proportions. - pdf, format 8)

The way it was written made it hard to get a sense of what was going on.

That affected the flow quite drastically for me and undermined what potential there was in the story.

This was quite ambitious. It was a little clunky and hard to follow, but I got the gist of what you were trying to do.

I like that you kept the exposition to a minimum. It kept me guessing.

A lot of thought and effort went into this short. Really good effort, just needs a good rewrite or two.

~Zack~

Definitely needs the scene numbers switching off in your software...

Feels like an extended entry for the recent Impact 50 competition... ambitious but doesn't fully work for me but full marks for the attempt.

There were formatting issues,  but that aside, I thought it was a very romantic, but still tragic story.

Congrats,
Cindy

I got the sense of end of the world frantic-ness but suggest you might use a filmic device of slowing down some of the key character's interactions especially during your denouement so I feel the desperation more. Main thing was I got the sense (not entirely sure) that the main couple were never reunited, right? I'd get rid of the 'ex' line, seems irrelevant, distracting.

Dialogue was a bit harsh in parts, Trapped in a taxi? Yep, I think the challenge was met,  

Writer,

Nice, original take on the challenge. In a sense they are trapped in the cab due to the violence in the streets, so I think that qualifies as trapped in a cab. I'm not sure if there's a better way, format-wise, to write the intercut dialogue without getting confused just a little. I was confused just a little, but I grasped it pretty quickly I. And it wasn't too much of an issue that was aided by the fact that the characters all seemed to finish each other's sentences.

I think this works, although there's not much meat on the bones that gives your characters - mainly David and Anna - much depth. A little hint at a broken heart, or a nod to a promise unkept would have served this story well, I think. All the action outside the cab would be costly to film - hard for a director to rustle up so many extras. And you don't necessarily need to let us know what's happening - a meteor - just let us know it's the end, regardless of what it is. That's your choice and just a suggestion as it can really be anything catastrophic.

Pretty good work, just needs more in the way of character development to pull us into and really FEEL that these people need to meet one last time.

Steve

I rather like this one.  I didn't see the end coming until... well, the end.

It's an interesting interpretation of 'trapped in a cab'.  Granted, there's a level of coincidence to it that strains credibility - but the emotional payoff makes it worthwhile, IMO.

The intertwining of the dialogue is fun, too. (A little hard to follow, but that's kind of the nature of the beast there.)

One small recommendation:

A little less description of the characters needed (a Muslim in Muslim attire?)  Though I get that you want to show clearly what they look like.

Other than that, I'd just say give it a polish when it comes to the sentence structure later.  But it's an OWC, so that's to be expected!  :))

And yes, this'd kind of be big budget.  But then, I just read another script where the car gets picked up by a magnet and crushed.  (Also kind of a fun read.)  :P

Took me two goes to read this as the format made it tough. but I tried a second time and got to the end. Very ambitious script with hardly any low budget lol.

But i liked for what you were aiming at despite getting there the long way.

Consider though budget problems may be an obstacle.

Just out of curiosity to anyone who has made a short film? Are scenes in a moving car expensive to the budget?

Coincidentally am getting a book from the library which deals with something similar to what happens in the final scene of this script lol

This one did feel like an extended version of that two page comp about the end of the world due to a meteor.  :)

I think you did pretty good story wise, but it needs a rewrite or two IMHO.

You describe Anna Zafir and Irsa, but not David. No age, no physical description.

Your INTERCUT doesn't work for me. IMO, you'd be better off using minislugs. Right now, it just gets a bit confusing.

I also think it felt unnecessary for David to call Irsa bitch. That didn't fit.

I liked how Irsa wants to make sure her cab stays nice even though she knows the end is certain and near.

All in all, a good story that just needs to be made an easier read.

Good luck with it.  8)

Hey, I won't lie, the intercut made me confused here.
But in the end I see the use of it and liked the idea and the script.
I see it this way - a lot of images change quickly as they say their lines.
Nice work.

Muslim man - you already described his attire - that part may be omitted. A man in a Muslim attire will do I think.

Probably film better than it reads because I thought it was all over the place.

Can get rid of the scene numbers.

The whole story was too coincidental, 2 Muslims, 2 passengers, same street, same time, same emotion, what are the odds? Well none, none at all.

Very poor formatting causes me to jump ship rather early and skim.

Get rid of scene headings - it screams "I have no clue".

If you want to use an INTERCUT, you need to learn how to format it, but I am very much against these anyways.  As is, very hard to follow, and since most is all dialogue...and rather dull dialogue, I don't care anymore.

Grade - D

some notes.

I did this once, and it didn't take.  Too much coincidence and too much love at first or last sight.  Also, the formatting left much to be desired.  Hard to visualize.  

Best
Richard

Lots of formatting issues in this one.

Quoted Text IRSA, (45), speaks pretty good english, prays silently. She makes eye contact with David, looks down quickly

"Speaks pretty good English" - is that needed - one we know that when she speaks?

Quoted Text DAVID spots a cab, hails it down.

A little more description of David would have been helpful.

The Intercut scene was difficult to follow.

AN interesting premise - one that I think is better/easier told with one cab and two passengers vs. Two Cabs - it just got too co confusing.

Scene numbers?

Do Anna and Zafir know each other? Seems like they do . . . then they don't.

Does David hail Irsa's cab or does he track her down?

The intercut between the two cabs doesn't work for me. I get the intermingled dialogue but I find myself trying to keep track of which cab I'm in rather than enjoying the single conversation.

Overall the writing is too much of a gimmick for me. And I don't see anyone trapped in a cab.

Sorry, not my thing.

The back and forth between the two cabs got confusing. Try writing it with less of that, like a few lines in one, a few lines in the other. Good story though.

Up to p4 I was wondering what's going on and didn't understand the interactions and context. If you go mystery, in my eyes, things should be more exciting. Then we experience the mayhem and eventually the meteor while following the love story. It felt designed and all over the place. The romantic stuff was the potential I could go with, but as said, it reads mixed up and put together in an odd way…

Ambitious work but because if that really needed to be spot on in format and tempo

Difficult for me to really consider what I thought

Pass

It's a nice little story, or tragedy maybe, but all of the aforementioned formatting issues did a fair bit of damage to the reading experience.

Also whilst the meteor is a good turn, the expense of this would blow the budget out of the inexpensive bracket required. Youu could always attach a painted tennis ball to some string, but that would be too close to Be Kind, Rewind territory.

What's Muslim attire? Since it's a visual signifier, it'd be nice to know what you mean.

I'd rather have seen a story about two people than four. There's coincidence and there's coincidence.

Kinda Seeking A Friend for the End of the World boiled down to ten pages. What really worked here is that the emotion generally felt genuine. I think the story just needs to happen in a smaller way. Maybe they're just at opposite ends of the same street for the entire short. I dunno, I think the smaller and more personal this story is -- two characters instead of four, one-ish location instead of several -- the more impact it will have.

Like the ambition. Not an easy read, as is. But I think you can turn it into a rewarding one with a story rewrite and, yes, some formatting.

The idea that two estranged couples could reunite, however briefly, before the world ends, is interesting but needs some rewriting/rethinking to work well.

Unfilmables - E.G. In the cab (from a rival cab company) - how do we know it is a rival cab company?

Bad descriptions - "They try to open her door so they can drag her out." - Here was me thinking they were opening her door so they could get in.

Plus formatting issues and a confusing intercut made this one a chore to get through. A nice idea, way beyond most low-budget producer's reach and no-one was trapped in a taxi but I can see what you were trying to do.

Quoted from stevie Just out of curiosity to anyone who has made a short film? Are scenes in a moving car expensive to the budget?

It all depends on how official you make your production or how guerrilla style you are willing to go.  
It cost me $400 to hire a rig for a day to hold the camera in place on the car. For the rest we borrowed the car from one of the crew and shot it on a road out in the middle of no-where, otherwise it would have become very expensive indeed.

I couldn't get to the end. This needs a rewrite as from the other reviews it looks like there is a decent story here.

A pass.

Quoted from stevie Took me two goes to read this as the format made it tough. but I tried a second time and got to the end. Very ambitious script with hardly any low budget lol. But i liked for what you were aiming at despite getting there the long way. Consider though budget problems may be an obstacle. Just out of curiosity to anyone who has made a short film? Are scenes in a moving car expensive to the budget? Coincidentally am getting a book from the library which deals with something similar to what happens in the final scene of this script lol

It depends on what you are shooting and what you are shooting on.

If you're keeping everything tight, and you are shooting on a dslr...then it costs practically nothing, and you can get some decent results. There are numerous options for dslr car rigs, that with image stabilisation lenses can give you good results.

Your problem comes when you're using Pro cameras. They are too big to comfortably fit in a car seat once the lenses are on...you'd be limited to wide angle lenses.

What this means is this you would need a "Wide boy". It's a flat cart that you put the car on, and then you can move around the outside of the car and film from there. It can be towed by another vehicle, so it looks like they're driving, even though they aren't.

It's not massively expensive, though considerably more than a dslr/blackmagic type of set up.

The major problem is that you're going to need permits to film on roads....and you'll have to pay a LOT if we're talking major roads. So if you're in a City environment, unless you're going fill Guerilla style it's going to cost a large amount.

This was a let down because I think you have something here but you probably ran out of time. Not sure why you waited till the end to reveal the meteor... it made the whole thing more confusing.

I thought maybe it was just a country-wide riot or something. For me, it did not add intrigue, only confusion. You're already intercutting between multiple cabs with lots of stuff going on in the background... that has the potential for confusion. Not knowing why any of this is happening exacerbates it.

The dialogue was hit or miss. Some of it was good, even poignant. Some of it rang untrue.

I think there's a lot of potential here but it needs a thorough re-write. This is going to be a challenge to turn into a smooth read. I would recommend studying pro scripts that have scenes with cars and mobs of people and switching back and forth. Off the top of my head, Body of Lies I think is one you can find online.

Writer,

I was totally lost on what was happening in each cab, sorry to say, and, after having to re-scan each page more than a few times to no avail, I'm gonna have to bow out. Muslim attire? A quick Google search can go a long way, just saying.

Quoted from Gum Writer, Muslim attire, my friend? I know several ... most wear denim. A quick Google search can go a long way, just saying.

;D Yep, cross-cultural references and stereotypes get confusing for some. My guess is the writer is trying to convey a visual here. Perhaps the use of taqiyah, or rounded skullcap? As Rick sayss, Int search engines and old fashioned reference books like dictionaries are a writer's best friend.

Hey cheers for the filming info Rick. Yeah I guess filming in the car would be ok but driving around bumps it up

Good lord you're fast, Libby! lol.

I tweaked that post just a bit after I put it up, but you managed to catch my initial draft. Good thing I didn't say something dumb(er)... than I usually do. In this case, I was just being facetious for the sake of pointing it out.

Quoted from Gum Good lord you're fast, Libby! lol. I tweaked that post just a bit after I put it up, but you managed to catch my initial draft. Good thing I didn't say something dumb(er)... than I usually do. In this case, I was just being facetious for the sake of pointing it out.

Oh yeah, I'm on it.  ;D Nuthin,' dumb about it either, Rick. Loved the 'denim' comment btw. And not laboring the point, there's a little error in mine too, had I not been up against it I would have checked. The writer here may have similarly been under the gun. OWCs with typos, mistakes etc. can often make us appear like we don't know what we're on about. Now I'll stop cluttering this thread.  :)

I agree with everyone else.  There is a story here.  2 couples who know the world is ending, soon, who want to get back to their loved ones, but, alas, can't.  

The dialog INTERCUT was hard to follow.  I guess if we are to believe that they are finishing each other's sentences then perhaps it works, but, is that something that can be said in the script?  

Overall, ambitious.  Told a complete story.  Was trapped in a cab, 2 actually, so that works.

As for special effects, shooting in a cab is cheap enough, clogged up streets not so much.  I'm pretty sure that stock footage can be used on the cheap since the writer says it fades to white.  That was their way of saving the budget???

It was okay, kinda.  6/10

Dan

Lose the scene numbers lol

It's a good little romantic story although at times hard to keep up with and it has potential, needs to be skimmed down for the sake of a budget.

Good job on entering

Is this a shooting script?

Storywise, not. bad. Everything else... needs major work.

Consider, but it definitely needs a rewrite: formatting, dialogue, etc. B+ 6.5/10

Hey guys,
    So, you all know that I wrote this one.  I really tried hard to write something totally different.

I think I did some things okay, others no so much.

Basically, what confused everyone is that the intercut dialog was supposed to be the idea that certain conversations are the same.  Boy meets girl, flirting happens, they can almost finish each other's sentences.  That's what I went for.

I was inspired by LC's Sympatico (I never get that spelling right) and wanted to write a straight drama.  However, Janet is correct in that this isn't low budget b/c of the fact that the street would have to be closed down (permits), lots of extras, cabs from 2 companies etc.

She did agree that stock footage could be used for the meteor hitting the earth, then a fade to white (out) with screams, then, screams fade, then fade to black.  

I do think that ending would be very powerful on film.

Oh, for those wondering, it was NOT inspired by that contest called "The Impact."  Actually, how I came up was I wanted a reason for the 2 couples to want to get back to their loved ones.  Then, I had to come up with a reason why traffic was so bad.  And then, I had to have a reason for them to stop and see each other for the first time.

The end of the world seemed to make sense.  So, that was the last step.  Then, I had to figure out how the end would happen.  Meteor, missile, Godzilla, Galactus, black hole, big bang slamming into the sun etc...

I chose meteor/missile because the stock footage would be the same...

Oh, and the title "The Last Cab" was prophetic because that was the last cab ride, ever...

Let me know if you have any questions, also, let me know if you need anything read.

To all who read and commented, thank you very much.  It means a lot.

This site is awesome (should we sing the lego song from the movie??)

And lastly, a big big Thank You for Don.  Without him, none of this would happen.

Sincerely,
Dan Campisi