Driven to Death by Jessica Fletcher - Short, Revenge Thriller - During a cab ride home, a corporate asshole discovers that money isn't everything. - pdf, format 8)

I wasn't blown away with the characterisation in this one.

Gavin started grating on me very quickly. He came across as quite a false note...it was not possible to believe he was a big shot with the way he talked, and his reactions were over the top, and lacked humanity. A more realistic, nuanced approach to him would have helped, I think.

Things improved when the threat was there, though.

Overall, I found it relatively enjoyable. It was a very simple revenge thriller. The added gore at the end seemed unnecessary to me.

A simple revenge thriller. Well written and very enjoyable. Just my kind of thing. I do agree that the characterisation is a little over the top. Although I do like the added gore.

A consider. Nice work.

Not bad.

A bit on the nose from the bad guy, a tad cliched.

A taxi driver goes for revenge, is fine. The live stream I liked. The end with the spade, I didn't.

Pass/consider - one to think about

I enjoyed this tale of revenge, the two characters were well written and the dialogue kept me entertained.

Good job on entering and remember to read others

Extra credit for this nugget:

Quoted Text © 2016 That means it’s copyrighted, bitches!

Quoted Text PNEUMA (37), the driver, whose dark eyes peer into the rear view mirror.

With a name like PNUEMA - you're going to have to tell me if this is a man or a woman. I didn't have a clue until later.

Okay - the story itself is very solid, IMO. I loved the scene with the parents watching on the screen.

Thought there was a missed opportunity for a line of dialogue at the end. - after - they didn;t want you to die like that - a "they wanted you to die like this - would have been a nice cap off.

Anyway - solid stuff. Good effort

Decent revenge thriller and well written too, I enjoyed it.

Revenge stories in contained scripts are always a strange bunch, especially in this case when we're not following the revenger (is that a word?) but the revengee (definitely not a word). I might have mixed something up but the taxi driver doesn't really have anything to do with anything -- excluding the Batman brand of justice. I guess the reader couldn't really cling onto anything emotional, so the revenge wasn't fulfilling -- the live stream felt like an after thought to include some character.

Not for me unfortunately. Might do well with a rewrite following from another perspective after the challenge.

If I'm supposed to have sympathy for the family, I don't have much after the last scene. But maybe that's more interesting.

Tending towards caricature. With a good performance, you could cut out about half of Gavin's obnoxious dialogue and still hate him just as much, I think.

An unsurprising story written well, but with the odd little postscript of extreme violence. A more interesting choice, I guess, even if it feels a bit nihilist.

Writer,

Not bad, but really to believe that the cab driver picked Gavin up on purpose is a bit of a stretch. I mean, it has to work like that in order for the story to make sense. Would've been a good twist if Pneuma had revealed that he was indeed a family member, perhaps the father. As is, I'm assuming he was hired to do this. I guess it can work, but it just feels a little too neat. Also, having a TV feed into the parents room, having a gas vent under the seat. You see? Too neat for my taste. However, the writing was pretty good, the story was a quick read. Just needed a better set up and pay off.

Steve

I liked it, well done writer.

If there's any criticism from myself it's that it all seems to be too clean cut, also maybe a bit more info on Pnuema. Apart from that it met the brief, everything read well, the characters worked and I went along for the ride.

Cam

I enjoyed this.

Was a little over written.

My main issue is the constant fucks, tone it down a bit. We know he is a shit human being, having him say fuck 3 times in every bit of dialogue doesn’t add to that.

Thought the idea was well rounded.

Good job.

I said I wasn't going to nitpick but just as with 'pigs in his pockets' (other script), 'vomits his stomach lining' sounds a bit odd to me - 'stomach contents' perhaps?

Either way, the story is a bit too convenient for me, the way everything falls into place. There had to have been a lot of preparation for this revenge and I wasn't buying a lot of it, in this draft at least.

Jeepers, brutal ending. Eye for an eye stories need more characterisation from the wounded party imh, for us to cheer on that nasty denouement. And yeah, scale back the 'fuck' dialogue towards the end.  I think a certain amount of 'cool' even in his dire moments might be more effective for a self righteous character.

It's a bigger story than ten pages could handle I think.

Another where 'Trapped in a taxi' is taken extremely literally and a situation worked out to suit. Format shows the writer knows how, it's all about what.

I got the situation from the first phone call, I only wondered how and why Pneuma would exact revenge. I did laugh when SIRI popped up, that's becoming a trope. Not a fan of the brutal execution at the end; this kind of thing makes the ones who carry it out no better. In a rewrite he might be released at the end to think on his sins.

To echo other comments, surely, Miss Fletcher would be appalled at the amount of swearing going on in her name. A little (maybe just the first) would go a long way. :)

Some notes.

A decent revenge tale, but too easy in my opinion.  I think the driver and the parents should encounter some road bumps as they go along.  They haven't thought of everything, and that should show.  Give this more of a roller coaster feel, and ti will be better.

Best
Richard

This was the best one I've read so far.  It's a simple revenge tale, but, one that was executed well.  

I agree with the others however.  The characters were bland.  I had no clue if the driver was a man or woman, still don't (hey, a very strong woman could have done those things at the end), the dialog was not realistic for a big shot.  

Also, the 50K didn't ring true.  You infer that this is a criminal case.  That only determines guilt or innocence.  Not a financial amount.  

The money amount is usually a civil thing, or done at a later time in the criminal case.  

Still, this was solid.  With a rewrite or 2, it could be really good.  My kind of story.

7.5/10

Dan

Strong build up, just the right amount of backstory to clue us in and make us want to see Gavin get his comeuppance without weighing the story down with dialogue.  Was waiting for the big twist or reveal but it ended up straight forward revenge -- a brutal one at that.  If you decide to rewrite maybe clue us in at the outset that Pneuma’s a guy -- wasn’t obvious, at least not to me.  Would’ve preferred to see Gavin buried alive.  Maybe I’m just cranky from hunger…

Nicely done. One of the better ones I've read.
Good work.

This could have a much better title referring to what actually happens in the script.

The weak part is when you needed to spoon fed us the subject via phone call and dialogues about the newspaper.

But somehow you overcame that issue quickly and brought in some good "live" characterization.

It's well executed, although still feels constructed in the end. In a good way at least...

Oh man, tough luck.

"Pneuma holds the head in front of the camera for a few seconds, then switches it off."

Who's the actual monster in this tale of woe...? Great use of description to bring out the gore.

Pretty well written this. The revenge aspect was obvious very early but was still done ok.

Like most others the ending grated a bit (no pun intended) but maybe the writer was panicking for time and tacked it on?

Give this a consider

And...I give up: what the hell kind of name is Pneuma?

Wow!  Brutal as fuck...just the way I like it.

Not bad...not bad at all.  A few things here ad there but for the most part, well written, good dialogue, nice pace and flow.

Watch out for your use of "out of the", as opposed to the correct "out the".

On the last page, you're missing a word after "red", but I really have no clue what it should be.

You should also have set this up a little better - give the dead boy a name, name the parents.  It's touch in only 8 pages, but you had a couple to spare, and I think it would have helped clarify things a bit.

Anyways, I really liked it and am leaning on this as my fave so far, with only 3 more to go.

Grade - B+

I like this as is. I don't need more information about anything, nor do I think the ending should be changed.
Excellent work.
Henry

Script wise -  well written, easy to follow. It fulfilled the criteria of the OWC quite adequately in my opinion.

Story wise - a basic revenge thriller which offers nothing new on an overused formula. Gavin was one-dimensional and unbelievable. There was no unexpected twists or turns, the revenge went conveniently smooth as clockwork when things could have gone wrong to make this more interesting.  The magic black box which blocked the phone (but not the live feed) at just the right moment is an example of this.

Nothing particularly wrong with it, just not creative or exciting enough for my tastes.

-Mark

Good dialogue. You gave me just enough character with Gavin to keep me in it. The fact that he got so aggressive about forcing the Driver to acknowledge him and wouldn't let anything go... that gave me a unique kind of douchebaggery. Without that, I might not have stayed for the whole thing. In the end, a very solid revenge tale.

Here, have a delicious CONSIDER.

Everything was good except the story itself and  its structure. This may not make sense to you, but the turning point came too early into the story-line and when it came it had non momentum because you didn't build any for it.

Let me explain. It wasn't thrilling to have right from the start the driver acting strangely, having a soundproof. Knowing about the case. Giving a lame explanation why he does. We knew the driver was there on a mission and when you revealed what it was, it had no impact on me. If you had us believe the driver was just curious and not involved with the case in anyway. The twist would have been more effective. Even with that, the story would have needed more. I would wanted Gavin to fight back harder. I would make the driver task harder.

What I want to say, is that the story didn't actually unfold at all. It was wide spread on the table from the beginning. There was no suspense. There was hardly a conflict. It felt like a resolution scene in a long revenge  movie, not a stand alone story.

Well done. The story was the only problem which means you can write effectively any story you want. And story problems can be easily fixed most of the time.

Pneuma means air, right? I liked the way this started and the exposition, for the most part, caught up later.  The writing was pretty good. Definitely one to learn from.

Well written revenge story.  I felt like the driver amped things up too soon.  It would have been better with less "Fucks" and more of a slow burn up to him knowing about the driver and his intentions.  Pretty graphic tale and on the low budget side.  I'll have to think on the ending a bit.  Even though it's brutal, it's a bit expected because of the early reveal about the parents of the dead kid.  Maybe a different twist on it, I don't know right now.  Real good for a OWC.  Good job.

I owe a ton of reads from the last OWC, so I'll start here.
This one is OK. It's a bit by the numbers and Gavin is pretty much a stock character.
There weren't any surprises. The ending was so-so, but with Pneuma doing the dirty work at the end, something seemed off. It would have been stronger if Pneuma was related to the family. But, I think instead he's a hired gun.

I really like the live stream, but think it was underutilized. Maybe it should come at the end. And it could be part of the twist, if you want to consider such.
Seems like it might be fitting not kill this ass, but to expose him. Ruin him; a la Gordon Gekko.

Here's a thought. Maybe when Gavin wakes up at the end, he's in darkness. The live stream can be on and he's in two-way communication with the boy's family. And he is told that the taxi is sitting at the bottom of the lake, with a limited supply of air.

He might be so desperate, that he confesses the whole setup; including who he bribed. Get him to name names, which of course, will go viral.  And then he finds out he's been set up.

Anywho, the writing was pretty good and I can see that the revenge angle will attract readers. Solid effort for a OWC.

Wow, quite a gruesome ending. It was fairly predictable, but that's fine, as it was well written, and as a result, an entertaining read.

I love the title - Driven to Death- sounds like my kind of stuff. The premise is good, I like the characerzation for Gavin too, showing off his ego &  Rolex. Bizarrely good contrast as the family view this execution, but I'm personally starting to get tired off news headline reveals. I was thinking what if Gavin had his blowup moment happen before he was gased to give pleasure to the family. Not sure why Pneuma takes it so personal, unless he's twisted himself, I thought he was an unbiased broker of death at first. That said, this was one of my favorites. It could be translated different ways on film.

I certainly hope the script is as good as the title page! Ha ha! Title should be in all caps, but then again, you're bestselling author Jessica Fletcher.

No bold slugs. Whew! That's a relief.  :)

First slug is flawless.

Nice intro.

Perspex * trademark * solid transparent plastic made of polymethyl methacrylate (the same material as plexiglas or lucite). I added a new word to my vocab. Thanks. :)

"[...]separates him from[]"

Apparently, Pneuma is a real name? I keep thinking pneumonia, lol.

"Rose Garden [A]partments," if this is a proper name.

Celebrates what? Can this be filmed?

That's more like it. :)

"Oh[,] yes[; or ,] it's a good day."

"Wanting to avoid talking about it[...]" Unfilmable?

"The Astaire Drainage [C]ase" is a proper name, thus needs to be capped.

"Quick" or "quickly" is fine.

"Local publication[,] I think."

Unsure about that parenthetical. Should be kept to one line if used.

"Yeah, well[,]"

Thirteen-line chunk of dialogue on page 3. Might want to break it up. I know he's on the phone, but still.

"Mr[.] Astaire," but it should be "Mister."

Love that line, "[Mister] Knows-fuck-all!"

Another great, profane line. Love it!

Clearly a professional writer, and a damn good one.

P5

Normally, no bold or italic, but it works here.

P6

(V.O.) not (VO)

Page break needs (MORE) (CONTINUED) and (CONT'D).

P7

What's your budget for all that?

P8

A red "what" provides the light?

Despite a few niggles noted above, this was quite good.

Recommend. A+ 8/10

Thanks for all the reads and comments. A red is a type of film light. Reds and Blonds. VO is the accepted equivalent to V.O. but I will need to start putting in the stops for future OWCs. I did originally have Pneuma as a family member, in a rewrite, I switched it around... but I agree he being a family member would be better.

Cheers all.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Thanks for all the reads and comments. A red is a type of film light. Reds and Blonds. VO is the accepted equivalent to V.O. but I will need to start putting in the stops for future OWCs. I did originally have Pneuma as a family member, in a rewrite, I switched it around... but I agree he being a family member would be better. Cheers all.

Must say it's been a very long time since I saw VO written V.O. - can't see anything wrong with this myself. Ditto OS. Also I was under the impression that MORE/CONTINUED was no longer the norm (at least in spec scripts - shooting scripts are a breed apart) - I'm pretty sure I've been criticised in the past for including them, so stopped!