Whipping Boy by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - Three grown men discuss the private school they attended and the boy most punished. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

You lost me with this one.

SPOILERS, I think:

First up, I have to ask, what is Tony even doing at such a prestigious school?

So again, not sure I got it.

The guys paid Tony to take the heat for them, so he was seemingly happy to do it. They even use the word “agreement”.

Then Tony gets kicked out and mouths the most cringe worthy, terminatorish “I’LL BE BACK”.

But again I’m not sure why he came back after he agreed to do it.

Even so, the punishment didn’t seem to fit the crime. Tony has obviously gone to a lot of trouble with the scotch and the very long wait to exact his revenge, it just doesn’t make much sense to me.

The whole not bringing phones thing seemed coincidental.

The filler dialogue about a coed school was not the most exciting but I guess for the way you set up the story you needed something.

Some of the dialogue when the guys were facing death seemed odd. Would anyone who was just about to burn ask, “Do you think we will burn” , or “Did you think it would end like this?”

The writing is good and it’s an easy read. Spotted a typo but can’t remember where, sorry.

For me, if I knew more about Tony I think I would feel for him and buy into the whole revenge angle. Also if he was forced to take the blame it would make more sense.

Or then again, maybe I just didn’t get it.

Best of luck.

Richard,

Nice little revenge tale. I don't recall seeing how Tony was involved with the pigs head. I mean, based on how it's written, I'm sure he took the fall for that too. I would have liked to see Tony actually have a bigger role in this. We see him taking punishment, though we don't see him being set up or coerced into doing anything. I think that's needed. And while the other men are quite despicable, this story would be raised to a whole other level if you had actually shown Tony more. Older Tony, younger Tony.  I want to feel more for his plight, and care more about him as a character. Right now there's not Much for me to grasp onto. It is justice that these men finally paid the price, but IMO it loses impact without more of Tony.

Steve

This didn't really work for me. I agree with Steven, there should be more focus on Tony. Jessup, Carter, and Norton just aren't that interesting. They're jerks but not in a particularly unique fashion, nor could I really distinguish among them. I'd rather see some scenes of Tony alone afterwards... plotting his revenge even as a child... consumed by it.

And the stuff with Tony getting into the car with his dad, there's potential there for a lot more. Maybe his dad is abusive and because the group kept pinning the blame on him it incurred his father's wrath.

It did read easily.  Good job with that.  I liked the pace.

My critique:

I will also agree I don't really care much about Tony.

Also the fact that all three ... work at the school?  I guess they're running the place and are debating some mostly irrelevant issue that seems to make us want to not like them... It doesn't otherwise relate to the story.  They're all neatly contained and singularly focused, but they kind of blend together into one big target.  I'm betting two people would have had the same effect.  Or even one, just bragging about it then getting trapped.

I hate to play this card, but I also think everything felt contrived.  I guess you're really counting on that "Tony/Anton/Anthony" ambiguity, but the audience obviously figures it out rather quickly, and then waits for the troublesome trio to "catch-up".  Why don't they recognize the smoke?  Cigars?  Okay... not calling for help?  No cellphone rule?  Another hurdle.

I'd try to craft the story in a way where you don't have to concoct clever ways for things to work, unless... Tony actually devises the scheme and makes it happen.  If Tony came up with a way to  get them to leave their cellphones aside, for instance, it'd work better for me.