The Pegasus Project by Daphne Olivier - Thriller - To save the family farm from foreclosure, Jack Randall takes a job on a research farm where scientists work behind a fortress-like fence to produce genetically modified plants and animals. Among their most prized projects is Pegasus 694, a bio-fuel with the potential to bring in millions — or destroy life on earth. 94 pages - pdf, format 8)

Read through to page 40 of this as the premise intruiged me.

I have a few comments for consideration.

The pacing is off; i.e. the opening sequence (interview and conversation post interview) is overly long and reveals too much; i.e. background of Jack, the 694, suspicion over the deaths of Evans, etc. Then by page 40, we still don't know a whole lot more. What about opening with the deformed birth scene and then go to the interview, whilst removing some of the reveals that then play out between Mason, Brandt and Kruger?

With dialogue, every second character ends their dialogue with a question. I think it's overdone. Consider having more of a mix of proactive statements as opposed to reactive question answering - this will also help shorten dialogue as I think there is too much of it for the story being told. This applies for the first 25 pages or so.

To reiterate, I like the premise but it just needs some tightening before I give it another read.

Good luck!

Logline needs a little nip-tuck, but intriguing. Daphne, are you around?

Frank