Help Help by Simon K. Parker - Short, Horror - A mean selfish girl has until sunset to find at least one person to help in order to stop a dark evil figure from taking her soul. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Firstly, you really need to get rid of the title and email from the top of every page, it’s really distracting.

Without reading your logline, the story makes no sense. The logline is the only place you learn that she has until sunset. It does beg the question, why does she only have until sunset?

You need a comma in dialogue when addressing someone directly so “get out of my room Bobby” would be, get out of my room, Bobby.

Wow, Lex really is a horrible person, maybe too much so.

You have some other missing commas throughout.

You use the word “just” a lot, I think you can lose most of them and it will only improve your dialogue.

Parentheticals are way too long and most of them will be better written as dialogue.

I don’t think I have ever read a script with so many questions. Pages of where, what, why.

The concept of someone having to redeem themselves or else is good, but this story doesn’t have much holding it together.

With a bit of work you could probably turn it into something.

Good luck.

Simon,

Your logline can't be the only place you explain important details. Lexington's demonic phone call should be far more developed. If a mysterious phone call is going to make someone completely alter their behavior and manner, than it should be more substantial than a few vague threats, and some loud dog barking. I also didn't understand why you chose the mother as the demon, opposed to some separate entity.

Best

Simon,

Some notes.

Good idea.  Not so good execution.  Like the others, I can't see how a single barking dog can transform Tyranosaurus Lex into quivering jello.  There's not enough set up.

If the setup had been a bit better, then you wouldn't need Lex to talk to herself throughout the story.  I didn't find it effective.

You have to ask yourself what you might do in like circumstances.  I don't think I would run around the city looking for someone to help.  I would think a moment about where people who need help are likely to be, and I would go there--hospital, nursing home, senior center, school.  You can argue that Lex was too panicked to think clearly, but that makes her a very poor protag.  Now, she can still fail in those other places, and she should, but it would make more sense.

Last point.  I think you need a reason for the demon choosing Lex.  After all, there must be a thousand selfish people in the city.  Why her?  It might be that Bobby asked for intervention, or some other person paid the fee, but without some underlying reason, it's simply bad luck.

best
Richard