A Heavy Fist by Kirsten James - Short, Horror - Georgia, a college student is spending Halloween at home to work her essay. When someone keeps pounding on her door, she realizes her worst nightmare might just come true. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

This didn’t work for me.

No need to tell the reader that the audience will be unaware of something. You should set it up in a way that that is the case.

You have 16 or so camera directions in a 10 page script. It isn’t your job to direct the camera.

For the time of day in the slug, the convention is either DAY or NIGHT, there are a few others but having an actual time of day in there should not be done. You can set that up in your action somehow.

Wrylies sit above the dialogue.

I think you need to take a look at more scripts to see how it is done.

Good luck.

Thanks, I was unaware I was supposed to be unaware of the thing I'm unaware of. :)

Wrylies need to be placed after the character name and before the dialogue starts.

Quoted Text Georgia’s bedroom window where we can see through to the landlady next door, we ZOOM IN and see her standing in her kitchen with a phone up to her ear.

This remind me of a comedy skit where the camera zooms in on a distant tree until we finally see a reporter in it who is interviewing a man in a house a good distance away, can't remember where I've seen it, think it was in he bonus features for a Monty Python movie, anyways....it kind of kills the horror aspect for me, based of this camera shot anyways.


I think cutting all of these camera shots will be a good idea.



This was an interesting read, you have something here but imo I think this will be better told from Miss Williams perspective, especially having her failing to save Georgia in the end,

Kirsten,

I found this simply told story quite hard to get through. Take out all the camera directions. They only make the piece fragmented, and hard to follow.

Kirsten,

This doesn't work.  The premonition is far too long and involved, and there is no setup for it.  Had you begun with her working with the police as a psyhic, then you have a place to go.

There a number of errors in the writing; it needs a thorough scrub.  The dialogue is straight ahead and therefore unsatisfying.

The ending is far too long.  All we really need to know is that she was killed, and she was a psychic who worked with the police--although that doesn't seem to be necessary.  

Best
Richard

Hi guys,

Thanks for the read and the critique. It's pretty exciting to get it read by people who know what they are talking about.

I've just started teaching myself and I threw this little GEM of horribleness out there. Sorry... But it is nice to know where you are on the scale of learning...

I did learn more about formatting etc after I posted it. So I was expecting a flop...
I still like the idea, I'm just going to have to come at it from a different angle. Not a half director half writer and full amateur one.

Warren I was very impressed with your latest short that's going to production. I realized from reading that what I was doing wrong. And hey this compliment is coming from a Kiwi ;)



Thanks again!

Quoted from Kirsten Hi guys, Thanks for the read and the critique. It's pretty exciting to get it read by people who know what they are talking about. I've just started teaching myself and I threw this little GEM of horribleness out there. Sorry... But it is nice to know where you are on the scale of learning... I did learn more about formatting etc after I posted it. So I was expecting a flop... I still like the idea, I'm just going to have to come at it from a different angle. Not a half director half writer and full amateur one. Warren I was very impressed with your latest short that's going to production. I realized from reading that what I was doing wrong. And hey this compliment is coming from a Kiwi ;) Thanks again!

Stick around here and you'll learn a ton more. Most importantly, just keep reading and writing scripts. Best of luck.

Hey, Kirsten - welcome to the Boards.

All the comments regarding camera directions are correct. Here is a very useful article in this regard:

http://www.scriptmag.com/features/screenplay-format-use-camera-directions-for-screenplays

I also would not bold the character names in dialogue - it just causes too many distractions from your readers.

Keep at it - improvement comes fast. This site has a lot to offer in that regard and you will find you get really focused feedback when you post focused questions:

e.g., How to I use an insert? When to use a Super? How to format a scene heading for  a car travelling, etc. etc.

Best of luck

After reading the logline, I figured this short would be right up my alley. And while I'm a huge fan of the genre, unfortunately this one fell flat for me. Formatting issues aside (and there were many), the story is just okay for me. It's nothing new or original. As you already know, every short needs to have a twist. But this twist was mediocre at best.

As someone already addressed, there's also a huge pacing issue. The protag's premonition is way too long. I get what you're trying to do but it's simply tiring and groan inducing for the reader.

The good news is that it sounds like you know all of these mistakes already. So just continue learning and strive to  be a bit more original. I'm sure if you toss the idea around for a bit, you can come up with something unique and entertaining.

Let me know if and when you rewrite.

Quoted Text Warren I was very impressed with your latest short that's going to production. I realized from reading that what I was doing wrong. And hey this compliment is coming from a Kiwi

Thanks, Kirsten, appreciate it.

I've had some success but I'm definitely no expert. I like to think I'm doing something right:)

A lot of great writers on this site to learn from. Just keep reading, writing, and taking good advice and it will show in your own work.

Best of luck.

And if all else fails, at least you have the footy:p