Voices by Nolan Bryand - Short, Suspense, Drama - Tasked with buying drugs off of a local drug dealer, Paul has to put up with the voices in his head guiding him in two different ways. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Nolan, had a read. Just some notes...

Quoted Text Paul follows Barber into the living room that looks like it could double as a Chernobyl disaster area. Wallpaper hangs on for dear life. Dirty clothes that didn’t make it to the laundry basket litter the floor. The furniture looks like it’s from the eighties, and hasn’t been cleaned since. Old take out containers, some with rotting food, clutter the coffee table. The coffee table wobbles on unsteady legs.

This is great description, but just too much of it. We get the point after you say it could double as a Chernobyl disaster.

Other than a few parts being a little overwritten, which isn't a terrible thing, the writing is good.

I enjoyed this, man. I like the concept and the characters you got going on. It's something I feel I have seen before, but with a whole new spin on it.

I dig it. Good work.

Thanks for the read and comment.  Funny you should mention that about that description.  I said to myself that I probably didn't need that after the Chernobyl disaster, but decided to keep it in anyway.  Glad you liked it!

Not bad. It’s a clever idea and I definitely didn’t see it coming.

I had a few issues. I agree that it is over written. I am also not a fan of the long blocks of dialogue, whole pages worth don’t make for a great visual. When the ‘voices’ are happening when he is talking to the barber, Paul is literally just going to be standing there staring at him. Give them something to do, even if it’s small.

No real formatting issues and overall I did enjoy it.

Well done.

Hey Nolan,

I like this one. Good writing.

Nit picking a little bit.
P2: You dedicate quite a bit of lines to describe the condition of the apartment living room.
A couple of lines might have been sufficient.
P6: Jackson and Prince follow after him -- that doesn't feel like they are rushing, maybe they're not?
P9: Paul walks along the sidewalk .. -- repeating what's in the slug.
Not sure if you need CONT'D.

What are stereotypical gangster clothes?

P1: He’s a few teeth short of a full load. -- that's a great line.
P4: Because it’s awesome as fuck, just like jazz and tits -- another good line.

A quick read. Entertaining.
Good luck.

Frank

Nolan,

Some notes.

This is works for the most part.  I'm with the others about the description.  Generally, less is more.  

You might experiment with dual dialogue for the voices in his head.  Giving them in order makes it seem as if the action has stagnated, which is not what you want, especially in a game.  

The ending is nice.  New voices.  New game?  Who knows.  

Best
Richard

Thanks everyone who read this and commented on it.  

Voices was just optioned today.

Nolan

Congrats, glad to hear it.

Congrats, Nolan. Great News.

Hey Nolan,

The title and logline drew me into this, a great job there.

As others have said, the descriptions are clever and paint the picture quite well using limited white space and then you just carry on and do too much. Sometimes as well the descriptions are not so clever, like the several lines it takes to describe a guy lighting a cigarette.

The dialogue feels unnatural at times (especially the multi-voice sections) but if this is produced (congratulations on the option) this can easily be worked out with table reads.

A good twist that I didn't see coming. This is a good example of taking something familiar and putting a new spin on it, well done.

-Mark