Stand Up by Simon K. Parker - Short, Drama - A bullied kid is saved from been beaten up by a gang of kids from his school by a homeless man who then moves in with him. Trying on his fathers clothes and pleasuring himself with his mom underwear. Too scared to take on the school bullies he'll have to work up the courage to take on this grown man instead. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Just read through the whole thing. I would make the log line a little more concise. No need to have details in it.

Other than the beginning with the three kids, there isn't much action. Really dialogue heavy. Also, not sure if the logic of the story makes sense. Why has he not called the cops?

The theme of believing in yourself and standing up to oppression is a good one, but I don't think it is fully developed enough. I really want to root for this kid, but I have trouble getting behind a random homeless man that breaks into the kid's house and then tells the kid how to be a better human. Seems a little off. Maybe have most of the conversation happen on the way to the kid's house?

Hey Simon,

Read your short. Some thoughts.

I understand what you're trying to express with this story, but I find it a little bit odd the way you've developed it with the Homeless Man and Eric in the house.
Why would even Eric allow him in the house in the first place?

There's quite a bit of "telling" in action. Show us instead. Make it visual. (ex:, P1,"Doesn’t know what to do.", don't tell me, show me).

My preference is to use mini-slugs whenever possible, like in Eric's House.
No need to repeat a slug line if no changes (ex: EXT. CITY STREET - DAY).
I don't believe the page header is necessary.
Me, I would write the parentheticals as action lines (if needed).
In action, try to stay away from "is/are" and -ing words.

Good luck.
Frank

I guess the message is a good one but the story doesn’t get it across in an enjoyable or even believable way. No way the homeless guy is even getting in the house.

The tone is all over the place, I struggled to keep up.

Lost of passive writing and over writing. The dialogue is OTN, I’m sure I said the same thing for your last script. You need to learn how to use subtext.

Most of the script is really awkwardly written, it just doesn’t read well for some reason. I think it’s the way you structure your sentences. I wouldn’t be able to tell you how to fix this without rewriting your whole script. I think it’s just going to come down to practice.

And again, just like the last script, I found the ending so cringe worthy. I mean come on, a few minutes ago this guy was practically masturbating into his mother’s underwear then Eric closes the door and thanks him when he leaves.

Needs some work but if you clean it up you might have something.

An interesting script albeit a tad unbelievable in it's delivery. I found myself wondering what Jonathan's motivation was, until it was revealed at the end. I think having too many questions kept me from being drawn into the story. The lesson was okay, but a bit anti-climatic IMO.

Some notes.

This one takes on a meaty topic and has some moments, but in the end, it doesn't quite get there.  Yes, sooner or later, everyone has to stand up or get steamrolled.  That's a good point, and Jonathan makes it.  OR does he?  If Jonathan really wanted to stay in the house, shouldn't he fight for that?  

the writing is a bit off standard, and that makes it a little hard.  And the story needs a twist, something that makes the audience stay engaged and satisfied.

Best
Richard

Simon, same writing style of the previous script. I don't understand how the masturbation scene relates to the message you are presenting, e.i. stand up. Was the homeless man trying to provoke a reaction?
Again, if it's a drama, you have to make it more dramatic especially at the end. Rewrite the dialogue. Believe me, I know how difficult is to introduce the subtext...but practice makes perfect (so they say)....
My best,
Fausto