First Kiss by Anthony Cawood - Short, Horror, Drama - YouTube is a great place to find all sorts of training videos, but not everyone wants to learn news things.  2 pages - pdf, format

First Kiss - A Short Film from Justin Stearns on Vimeo.

Anthony,

Some notes.

This one races to the macabre.  I like it, and I wish there was a bit more--perhaps turning the computer for her to watch with him.  

The ending works for me, although you might consider setting up the scarf in some fashion.  perhaps by a video.

in any case, good job.  

Best
Richard

Anthony,
Ok, guess I wasn't ready for that!  Writing is good and not bad for a one pager.  Easy to film.  Wonder if this was for an assignment?  Going to film it yourself?  If so, easy to do except for getting some kid to off his sis!😀

Your logline has a mistake.  Think you meant "new" not "news"

Good luck with this.  Should get made.

Just my sort of thing. I liked it, made me think of Dead Girl.

I see no reason why this won't get made.

Thanks Don for getting this up so quickly!

This was written for a 1 page challenge sort of thing, ultimately didn't enter it as I thought it was a bit too dark for the brief. So thought I'd post and get some opinions from my fellow SS writers...

Richard - glad you liked, like the idea of him turning the computer for her to watch, will include that in a revision.

Jeremiah - Damn loglines! (glad you liked!)

Warren - Tx, loved Dead Girl, saw it at a film fest knowing nothing about it and was like WTF!

Anthony

This was really horrible.... in a good way!!!  

Nolan

No offense Anthony, but I think it's really horrible in an ewww way.

Which is mission accomplished, I suppose.

For a one-pager, this was great. So many crazy reveals in so little time. Nice job.

Was the original contest for a family friendly teen drama? Cuz if so you should've submitted this just for the chance at giving someone a stroke.

Quoted Text Was the original contest for a family friendly teen drama?

Hahaha

C'mon sis!

The fuuuuuuuck!?!

Nolan - many thanks

Libby - exactly, thanks

Mark - thanks, and no, but that would have been funny!

Brandon - thanks, I think ;-)

Anthony,
Perfectly set up, followed by TWO nasty punches, then out. That's how you knock 'em dead in one round. In this case, one page. Kudos.
Henry

Wow!  I'm getting old.  Readably creepy.

When should the audience come to the realization that poor Cassie is dead?  The first time we see her staring back dispassionately or at the end with the scarf and blue lips.

I hate to admit that I'd like more info. on this kid.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Brandon - thanks, I think ;-)

You thought right. I was shocked, but I loved it!

Anthony,

First time round I thought there was more of a connection between the videos and the asphyxiation which threw me for a moment - like perhaps a ‘game’ had gone wrong and he just didn’t know any better.  Well, like AlsoBen’s short it’s dark - one for shock value I suppose and probably effective.  The use of google lends it an interesting angle, maybe underused even..?  This is what happens round here when the nights start to draw in - guess we’ll have to wait till Xmas for some happy endings...

All the best,

Steve

Excellent - one page. I love those!

Back to script...

This will be filmed, many times in years to come I suspect. Some of which you will approve :-)

Overall, this is an excellent one pager.

Best of luck

Anthony, good job ...really horrific and sick. However, I would improve the drama by inserting a longer conversation with the cadaver. Did he kill his sis? Why? To practice kissing? This can be explained with another page of dialogue. Maybe, he can also caress her body for added impact.
Good job.
Fausto

Stump - many thanks, glad you liked.

Jake - You are supposed to get a clure from the staring but confirmation at the end.

Steve - 89 days to go, then again there's Halloween in the way, could get darker first ;-)

Bill - thanks, glad you liked it, hopefully they'll ask me before filming it ;-)

Fausto - Glad you liked, after I decided not to enter the one page challenge I did think of expanding it, but decided against it can kept it nice and lean, see if anyone picks it up.

Thanks all

Anthony

Woah. I just read another one about the mother covering up the abuse of her son... and woah, I get this one right after. The shorts are getting darker...
And I just heard of Pazolini and his Salo or 120 Days of Sodom. It's a dark streak for me or something.

Well yours is certainly mind-bending and kind of gross. Will someone let his child participate in the shoot though - I don't know. I wouldn't.
Well, you have a very strong reaction from me to this so I'm thinking that's what you wanted and therefore you excelled with the short.

Anthony, just a quick question...did the brother asphyxiate his sister and then kissed her?
Thank you and good luck.
Fausto

Good God, this was dark as fuck. Nice work. Very creepy. As if the sister angle was bad enough. I could see this as a gut-punch of an opening scene for a serial killer feature.

-- Michael

khamanna - Many thanks, if someone will allow their children to be in it... good question, guess only time will tell, here's hoping.

Fausto - we enter the story late, he's already tried to kiss his sister, she's reacted, he's killed her and then gone to the internet to prove he was right about the tongues... he is after all both a child and mad!

Michael - Thank you very much ;-)... and yep could be a great opening scene, would certainly set a tone!

Anthony

Anthony,
absolutely genial! An insane child killing his sis for a kiss.  If a producer is looking for a horror short, THIS IS IT!
My best,
Fausto

Thanks Fausto - hopefully a producer will agree with you!

I hope to see this filmed. But I would imagine, producers, filmmakers might have a problem in getting this one done as it involves kids. And that means it will involve parents who will have to agree to have their kids on film doing this. Which would later be seen by family, friends and so on.

Hey Anthony,

I'm split on this one. I didn't find it nearly as dark as others. Everything felt calculated so as to shock/gross out an audience with no deeper context (I'm using the phrase lightly here, not looking for a "meaning" or anything), which I think would've made it more sinister (as of now, I find it sorta campy). At the same time, as shock/gross out, it is entirely effective, and perhaps the simplicity of it makes it more aberrant.

I'm also split on the ending. A part of me wants more detail when it comes to the scarf. You've provided some in your response to Fausto, but it's not entirely clear in the script itself. I suppose you could argue that it's inferred, but the fact that it's a garment in question and not, say, an electrical chord, it could also be inferred that it's an accident, Ewan's perverse behavior notwithstanding. But similar to my previous comment, the ambiguity might work in the script's favor.

Like I said. Split. What I'm not split on is you do a lot with one page. That can't possibly be a bad thing.

In regards to child actors, I thought about Todd Solondz' films. He works with children a lot and gets away with a lot doing so, clearly with the blessing of the parents. However, it is 2016. Surely, you can't get away with as much these days.

Hey James - thanks for taking a look...

The scarf... hmm, you could be right... I have an idea about an alternative, may try and re-work...

Shock... yep that's the intention ;-)

Cheers

Anthony

Not sure why you would want this produced IMO… strictly shock value, perhaps.

I’m noticing a celebration of death, or ‘hurt’ culture floating about this board lately, involving kids too. I’m not sure where it all stems from either. Outside of a select few entries it (pedophilia, murder, incest, slasher themes, home invasion, etc) appears to be the flavor of the month… so weird. Maybe cause Halloween is just around the corner?

I don’t know. Tie a ‘Hogwarts’ scarf around her neck and prop her up against ‘The Hunt of the Unicorn’ tapestry.  Art for art’s sake… that whole chestnut.

Hi Anthony,

What I found unsatisfying about this is that it's shocking, without a buildup. It's like porn with only the last three seconds.

At the moment, it's like a youtube sketch due to it's length.

A few things:

"EWAN, 10, scrawny with bad skin" - a 10 year old with acne? He's REALLY unlucky.

"He taps away on his tablet, solely intent on the screen.
INSERT: Laptop screen"

Laptop or tablet? It's a little thing but you can't distract a reader with only one page.

Although there is oppurtunity here, if filmed, for a director or actors (child actors!) to show skills, it's hard to convince a crew to put in a good effort with less than a minute of film time. If this were produced, I imagine the team doig so would ask you to expand on it anyway (or else they're not in a position to produce anything longer than a minute in which case the film will be of a low quality).

Just some thoughts.

Canis/Ben - thanks for taking a read, appreciated.

Canis - I tend to write darker fare all year round (check out Stuffed), and wrote this a couple of months ago before putting it up, so not a Halloween thing. But it's certainly not a celebration of his actions, hurting kids or anything else... but sometimes what we write reflects life, and life can be shocking.

Ben - It was written for a 1 page competition, have expanded ever so slightly but it's length came from that originally. I quite like trying to get a story into 1 page, it's a little like writing a haiku, imho of course. So I feel this works as a micro-short - but some may not and that's fine too.
My daughter developed bad skin when she was 9, a few dermatologist visits later and all fine, but it's not that unusual apparently. Laptop screen, good catch, agree and will change.
1 minute films being low quality... don't think I agree... not sure how length is an indicator of quality - unless we're back to porn analogies ;-)
(My other 1 page script, Flowers, was filmed and subsequently won an award).

Just on the subject of the scripts themes... The idea for this came from the proliferation of YouTube instruction videos and me wondering what harm could such videos do in the wrong hands... and there's thousands of them on how to kiss 'properly'.

Anthony

First Kiss, has been bought by Stearns Media Group - Atlanta, for production in next few months.

Congrats. Thought First Kiss was a winner.

Brilliant!

Congratulations! SS is the best place to get your scripts discovered! I've always said that. How many is that now, 20?  8)

Thanks all!

Pia - 18 so far from SS/STS

Inktip is a distant second on 6.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Excellent - one page. I love those! Back to script... This will be filmed, many times in years to come I suspect. Some of which you will approve :-) Overall, this is an excellent one pager. Best of luck

No surprise there then

Well done

Almost psychic Bill ;-)

Congrats, Anthony.

I really enjoyed this and look forward to seeing it.

Tx Warren

Fabulous - great news!

Congrats Anthony!

Anthony,

You disgust me!

I've NEVER been so repulsed by a script in all my life!

WELL DONE!!!

If eliciting emotion is the name of the game, you just won.
I wanted to reach through my monitor and wring that scrawny kid's neck.

For a one pager you sure pack a punch.

I miss one pagers.  They are so poetic.

Congrats on the sell.  I look forward to not watching it.

Jordan

Dave, Nolan, Jordan - many thanks !

Big congratulations, Anthony. I can't believe you've gotten 18 so far. That's so cool. This is just another one to throw on the proverbial pile, while you churn out another dozen successes. You're off to bigger and better things. =)

Tx Mr Blonde - always great to sell/option another short, just wish they all ended up getting filmed!

This is scheduled to shoot at the end of November, film maker is hoping to release pre-Xmas...

Quoted from AnthonyCawood ...film maker is hoping to release pre-Xmas...

'Cause nothing says "Christmas", like incestuous soroicide.

Jordan

;-)

Nice one!

Shooting tomorrow and just heard that they've tweaked it... now sisters!

Ooh, curious why the did that. Did they tell you why? Is it the incestuous angle which would come across even if sisters.

Perhaps they should be twins - nice twin/evil twin.

Or, just friends on a play-date. That way they could be male and female, female and female, male and male..

I'm exausting myself with the possibilities now.  ;D

Interested to see how this one comes off.

What makes me most happy is that there's a "sold" next to the thread title. I want to see more of that.

Apparently they got better talent with the girls that auditioned... interesting twist though :-)

I like the Sold label too, have someone circling Teddy Bear at the moment, so fingers crossed.

And here's the film = https://vimeo.com/193438078

Anthony

Filmed

First Kiss - A Short Film from Justin Stearns on Vimeo.

That looked great! Congrats!

However, I think the filmmakers failed to deliver the punchline that worked so well in the script.

I was almost afraid to watch this. I think the execution was very, very good, however I have to agree with Pia. Everything spot on. Actresses great, stunning, lighting, sound, perfect. I think the reveal was a little too soon. However, if you haven't read the script, you wouldn't know.

Don

Haven't read the script (yet!), but did give the film a go. Like Pia and Don said, technically it's very well made. Really enjoyed the cinematography. Unfortunately the ending didn't have the impact I think it was meant to. It seems like the "twist" is given away almost immediately. Maybe it works better in the script... Either way, congrats on getting it filmed. :)

* Well damn, it seems the script has been removed.
*Don's edit - the script is still available at: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/35583122/First%20Kiss.pdf

~Zack~

Hi Pia/Don/Zack

Thanks for having a watch... I think the reveal may be more obvious if you've read the script, though Zack saw it early too, it's also a very short short so that might make it more difficult.

But overall I think the production values are great, the acting is really good and the switch to two girls has added an extra dimension.

I'm really pleased with this one given I almost didn't put it out in the world!

Zack, script is still up on my website - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/first-kiss/4593064844

Have another, called Grandma, which should see the light of day in next month or so.

Anthony

Looks great!  

Nolan

Congratulations on getting this filmed. Great production value, good acting and she was very creepy! Love the choice of music in the titles.

I have to say I think they gave away the fact that the sister was dead way too early. From my reading of the script this is two young siblings experimenting with kissing and then it goes that extra WTF moment at the end when you realise she's kissing someone who's dead!

That element is lost here and it gives the audience too long to ask questions.

However, that's just my personal opinion. It's still awesome!

-Mark

Oh, they made quite a few changes to it but the story hasn't changed. Her being a girl - even creepier this way.
I really liked the kiss talk at the beginning - Mom says we have to try things together - I remember that at the beginning of the script.
But great job either way. Nice acting too.
Congrats.

Thanks Khamanna - agree, two girls is def creepier and works really well!

Read the script, though now that it's been produced I'm not sure how much weight this review will hold. Personally, I think the screenplay is far superior to the finished product. Definitely has more punch. As for the gender swap, I could take it or leave it. It's creepy as hell either way. Good stuff Anthony.

~Zack~

Thanks Mark/Zack

Mark, yep possibly so, but what ya gonna do ;-)

Zack - thanks, and glad you liked the script!

Anthony

And thanks Nolan!

(I got my responses out of order!)