Quality Control by Bishop Brown - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - In a futuristic utopia, A human clone is in danger of being destroyed when a crooked, broken man looks for vengeance on society. 23 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

So straight up, not my kind of story.

This has lots of other issues though.

Your dialogue is on the nose.

You don’t need a colon after the characters name.

You forget to capitalise names and every ‘I’ is not capitalised. This is really basic stuff and super sloppy in my opinion.

There is no need to number the scenes.

The massive chunks of dialogue make this a really hard read.

Needs a lot of work.

Sorry to say, I couldn't get many pages into this either. This sounds like a futuristic ride that's trying way too hard to have a complex idea in place with no basic logic behind it. What I'm trying to say is, you need to do way more research to properly form this idea you have lurking within.

I'm not here to shit on you, believe me. Just trying to point you in the right direction re: the story itself.
Here's a snapshot of what I mean. You state:

"In the year 2081, the human to clone association rate hit 100% for the first time."

Do you mean every person on Earth has a clone associated with them... of themselves? UN projects a population of about 9 billion by then, that puts 18 billion humans on this planet... highly unsustainable.

Then you state:

"By 2089, 1/6 of the humans in the world had a clone of themselves." This is no longer 100%, but that's still allot of replicas roaming about.

Moving on.

OK, then you have a clone enter the picture who appears to have an IQ of a door-nail. This would indicate that clones are dependents of the humans they were cloned by and, require some form of nurturing/sustenance/care to survive, no? Who does that for all these clones? Food, clothing, shelter, etc...? This is too complex to envision.

Then we have a clone from some type of farm... a clone farm, and he's, as you state "confused as ever."

DD is now confused as ever.

Your voice over (over black) needs to be addressed as that, a V.O., and by someone, or something like a narrator, or a computer generated voice, a hamster, etc. As well, you might want to have that same voice describe something like the governments of the world allowing human clones only because a previous 'Hot War' was so freaking catastrophic that it literally wiped out 99% of the population, and now they want to create clones as a slave race to rebuild the planet. Then have the slave race (clones) rise up against their creators with one hyper- aware clone (like Spartacus) leading the revolution to the dawn of a new age...

Just a thought. Hope it all works out for you.

Some notes.

Sorry, but I could not make it through this one.  The writing is substandard, and the formatting doesn't work.  The dialogue is juvenile.  I suggest you start reading good scripts and discover just how a good story is transformed into a good script.

Best
Richard