Fausto - I very much like the premise of this one. But it is way too heavy handed. It needs to be more sublte/nuanced. The conversation between Claire and Ginger (assuming they are friends) is never going to happen like that. It would be more like:
GINGER - so have you decided?
CLAIRE; - What?
GINGER: Are you going to raise him Christian or Muslim.
CLAIRE: Hadn't really thought about that yet. Probably let him decide.
GINGER. Hmmm.
CLAIRE: What?
GINGER: I don't know, just seems like if you let him go to a Mosque - you know what they do there.
etc. Something like that.
There were some format and dialogue issues for me.
Quoted Text CLAIRE, (40), attractive, paces nervously the room
|
Something wrong with the above. It needs an "in" before the.
Quoted Text CLAIRE
(to herself in
frustration) |
I don't think you need the parenthetical - but if you are going to go with one just use "frustrated"
Since no one else is in the room you don't need "to herself"
Quoted Text Claire OPENS the door.
On the doorstep, an African-American WOMAN (50) stands
waiting.
|
THis could be more efficient - something like:
Claire opens the door revealing an African-American WOMAN, (50).
Don't need to say she's standing - waiting - we know that. If she is doing something unexpected (jumping jacks) - okay.
Quoted Text WOMAN
Good morning, Ms. SPENCER. Nice to
see you.
CLAIRE
Good morning, Ms. LEE, please come
in.
|
You don't need CAPS for the character names in the dialogue.
Quoted Text MS. LEE
Just a little, he was going to school
to learn the language when the
building was leveled by bombs....
Syrian bombs.
|
Syrian bombs to OTN - you mention Syria later so it is not needed.
Quoted Text MS. LEE
(indicating the
carry-on)
He has a few donated clothing...from
the RED CROSS. He left Syria with
nothing |
No need to CAP Red Cross.
Quoted Text CLAIRE
He's exhausted...so handsome.
GINGER
Uhm.
CLAIRE
This is all you have to say?
GINGER
What you want me to say....okay, he's
a good looking boy.
CLAIRE
(irritated)
Thank you, your highness |
I didn't get this at all - she paid a compliment - Claire's reaction seemed over the top - unnatural.
Quoted Text DOCTOR #1
A miracle, the fire burned down the
house... and in a week she's gonna
be out.
|
Way too OTN - a Doctor would never have this converstaion. If you want to intro it into the story do it in the conversation with Ginger.
Quoted Text DOCTOR #2
This is the miracle...he saved the
woman's life risking his own.
DOCTOR #1
A young hero, I hope he can make it.
|
Again - for my taste - way too OTN.
Hope this helpfs - best of luck.