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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Western Scripts / The Guns
Posted by: Don, October 23rd, 2016, 10:15am
The Guns by David Baughn and Jim Prince - Western - Western chalk full of action and surprises. 95 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: JEStaats, October 23rd, 2016, 1:40pm; Reply: 1
Writers -
Great to see another western being submitted. This looks like an early effort as there are many issues.
-You really need to craft a new logline. As it is, there's nothing to draw someone in to read further. Take a look at other screenplays that are posted to get an idea for yours.
-Your screenplay is WAY overwritten. Action should be 2 lines (3 max.) or readers skip ahead (guilty).
-Character names need to be capitalized when first introduced.
-Trim all the camera direction (cut to, slo-mo, etc.). This should not be the shooting script. That's the director's job.
-Action should be written in the present, not progressive (he chops firewood, not he's chopping firewood). Basically write out all verbs ending in -ing.
I'm passing all this on to you as I've been called out on the same issues. If you send in a revision, I'll try to read more. Great start. Can't wait to see what it's actually about.
~John
Posted by: JakeJon, October 28th, 2016, 1:08pm; Reply: 2
D & J,
I was in the mood for a western so I read your entire script. Actually took some notes.
Then I read John's comments;
In total agreement with John's advice and suggestions. No need for me to add anything here.
That being said:
I liked the "Magnificent 2" premise. AND some of the action scenes.
Some nice ending surprises (Calamity and Bea as Mary's mom) and the final brotherly duel.
In addition, a little romance, some tough ladies, some really mean, downright savage bad guys. Nicely done.
I think the slo mo battle at the end wouldn't be the writer's call, BUT it reminded me a little of "Peckinpah's Wild Bunch). Good stuff.
See if you can find a script from a western, read it and then
....Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite, you may have something here.
R
Posted by: HyperMatt, August 31st, 2017, 7:27am; Reply: 3
Guys,
You can get the CUT TOs off the script; they are redundant and it will make the script even shorter.
And I would take the WGA and the company address off the front cover.
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