Dead Star by Gregory Mandarano - Horror - When a Polar expedition awakens a sleeping god and unleashes doom upon the world, its only survivor is stalked by wolves across a snowy wasteland as he struggles to make it back to his ship alive. 134 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Stalked by wolves across the snowy barrens of the frozen North, a noble Southern lord has been driven to the brink of insanity by the death of his companions.

Harassed by the disembodied voice of his uncle and dragging the body of his dying friend by sled, he struggles to make it back to his ship before either his friend dies, or the voice in his head convinces him to leave his body to the wolves.

And as he freezes to death in the snow, he relives the memories of his ranging to the North with his party of sailors and his squire. Together they cross the gate to the top of the world in search of precious star metal...

But all that they find is death, despair, and fear as their journey to the shadowed heart of the North awakens a sleeping god that picks off their party one by one.

In the spirit of a confined horror, Dead Star reveals the rich mythology of a foreign world as events unfold that hold the fate of all the universe in its balance.

Billed as THE THING meets GAME OF THRONES, Dead Star takes the horror genre and elevates it with a fantasy twist.

I don’t like not having much to say when I review a script, and Dead Star caused me to be bountiful with the double negatives. That’s a good thing… you’ve got one hell of a great story here.

Equal parts Game of Thrones and The Thing and The Grey, Dead Star drops you into a memorable and rich fantasy world without apology, the action leaping from page one, and doesn’t give a shit if you can’t keep up. There is no opening title to tell us where we are. We are expected to pay attention, and fortunately the speed at which you spoon out information is nearly perfect. It was easy to follow, thanks be to crisp writing and sharp dialogue.

It reads like a novel. I suspect you may have adapted this from a novel you wrote. If not, consider expanding on this world in that format. I’m not saying abandon the idea of the screenplay but you’ve clearly got the talent for spinning a beautiful word.

If I was forced at gunpoint to offer some criticism I would take a look at what editing you could do for a future draft. With your dialogue margins already wider than normal, this is a long script. While I was never bored, it took me a long time to plow through. Hollywood execs aren’t prepared to give the necessary time and thought to consider such an opus unless your name is Peter Jackson.

To that end, shorten scenes where possible. Perhaps one or two of the wolves attack scenes can be excised entirely. Your call. Anything that doesn’t contribute to Havik’s journey should be cut. I liked the use of the Uncle talking to him throughout the story but I feel like much of that could be cut. We might get the point better through flashback or more of a silent protagonist. Think Mad Max Fury Road with a hero who says very little and lets his actions do the talking.

I enjoyed this journey. Thank you for sharing. And good luck with future drafts or other projects. I look forward to reading more of your work!

Thanks for the kind review angelus!

You're right with your suspicion. Here's a link to the book.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00LX8ULKM

I also adapted it into an hour serialized tv pilot with a bible. That version does have an opening voice over sequence, so ot isnt quite so unapologetix.

Just curious. Were you particularly surprised by some of the late revelations? Like regarding who prince was disguised as, and who he turned out to be?

Yes, the reveals were perfectly executed.

I knew it was a book! Ha ha