Main Road by Huidong Lu - Short, Horror - On an excursion to Vegas, two friends are told to stay off the main dirt road. They soon find out why.  13 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Some notes.

This isn't bad, but it's a riff on a familiar story.  These guys get into a loop, and it's going to be hell getting out.  But it's incomplete.  There's no resolution.  Now, if they had tried six different directions and always made it back, well, you'd have something.  but as it stands, it's not enough.  Mainly because you spend far too much time on stuff that doesn't matter.  Get them to the gas station.  Get them to the car graveyard.   Get them back so they can try again.  They are far too accepting at this point.  

I think you can come up with a better story and a better ending.  

Best
Richard

Hey Richard, thanks for the reply. Honestly, I realize the story isn't at all satisfying or conclusive, and I did have an idea in mind, but didn't know how long I wanted this to be. Since this is the first script I've ever completed, I was more testing the waters than anything else. But if you have the time, is there anything you have to say about the writing itself? As in the dialogue, scene description etc. I'm just trying to gauge my ability as a writer right now.

Hey Huidong, I read the whole script.

Many, many issues, but since this is your first script, that's not surprising.

I'm not going to go into great detail about mistakes, but your main issues are complete lack of visual writing (details of what exactly we are supposed to seeing) and really, really bad dialogue, which is completely OTN and not at all believable.

With 11 pages to work with, you've told us and shown us very little.

Best advice is to read scripts on here and post your thoughts.  You'll come across both good and bad efforts, and both will help you learn.

Jump in and make yourself known and the friendly SS peeps will return the favor and before you know it, you'll look back on this first attempt and laugh, because you'll see exactly what I'm talking about.

Cool cool, thanks for reading the whole script! I kinda just pumped this out in a few hours, but I'll definitely take what you've said into account. Next one's gonna be a banger. (Hopefully)