Cries of Courage by Gary James Manson - Short, Thriller - A young man struggles  to overcome guilt, shame and himself in order to face the crime he might have committed, through his actions.  12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Just letting you know, Gary, I've had a read and will post detailed feedback a little later.

A few notes to bear in mind in the meantime. You are displaying a couple of rookie mistakes, all which can be fixed easily.

First off: 'show' don't 'tell'.

What you have in the first 6 pages needs tightening a lot. There's quite a bit of waffle. Is the whole 'Bouncer' bit necessary? Not imh.

Your character descriptions are too elaborate at the moment.

With character descriptions only include what your audience can see on film i.e., unless it's in dialogue or flashback we can't possibly know for example re John:

'His parents were killed in a car crash the
previous year'

We also can't know the 'blind date' situation.

You could actually cut almost 4 pages from your opening 6, cause it's basically all setup and is too long and unnecessary.  My advice is to start your script in the actual nightclub and put more emphasis on the silent communication between John and the redhead, after your brief intros of the other characters.

Watch for common punctuation and homophone probs, notably: their/there and let's (insert apostrophe). A few other typos throughout.

Will come back with more later including 'story' notes.

Libby

Hey Gary,

A few thoughts and comments from a fellow Brit ;-)

1) Consider your readers and who you hope might pick-up your script in terms of language, e.g. High street, would be main street in US etc... no issues if you are hoping to option it in UK.
2) If all the shops are now closed why is the street full of parked cars? If they are visiting pubs and restaurants then I'd specify that there are some of them open on the street.
3) Watch out for 'ing' words, they normally lead to passive writing and can usually be easily removed to make for a pacier read. E.g. Four friends walking home. Becomes, Four friends walk home.
4) There's some typos that no doubt you'll I know up with another polish or two, e.g. Stern on page 1 should be stern...
5) CAPS for names... the normal guideline is that when a character is introduced for the first time in action line then their name will be in caps, and of course for all dialogue for that character. On page 1 BOUNCER is capped, John isn't, JAYNE is but in the wrong way/place, HELEN in a line of dialogue should be Helen, etc.
6) As Libby mentioned, careful with stating things we cannot know, e.g. His parents were killed last year.
7) Helen congrats Mark on winning the coin toss, but a couple of lines later doesn't seem to have a clue what's going on... read a little odd.
8) Not sure you need the interaction with the cashier.
9) There might be a slight timing issue between the scene's... the script starts with the street lights coming on, implying early evening, the four then go straight into a club where everyone seems too drunk for that time of day/night and then what appears to be the main DJ shows up immeadiatley - in dance clubs main DJs play much later...

The end lost me a little bit, felt convoluted and the final lines a little abrupt.

Hope that helps.

Anthony

Thank you Libby and Anthony. I take all your comments on board. Looking at my script again I agree with all of them. Some of my mistakes are so obvious now.

Very good point, Libby about starting the script in the actual club, (I'm on it).

Anthony, good point on the timing issue. Once again thank you to you both for your help and comments. I will now rewrite it all and see how it goes.

G,
Well, L and A give you much needed info. and advice.  Good stuff.

My feedback is coming from a different direction and it's a bit radical.  

While I thought the club stuff was "cute".  I thought it was just "fluff" created to set up the ending?

I think your real story is in the last 2  pages.  Think about it.   Tania and John are weighted down with dialogue, telling  the "real story".  Maybe the audience should be seeing the"real story".

I think you can scrub the first 8 pgs. Try writing the story that Tania and John end up telling.

John's relationship with Shania. The break up.  Shania's relationship with her daughter, Tania.   John's parent's death. John's relationship with his parents.  The twist that John's father was the drunk driver.  Tania's anger. John's remorse.

This is all "juicy" stuff and potential for a ton of conflict.

Just a thought.  

JJ

Hi John, thanks for your insight and I agree it would be a radical move.

I was merely testing the water with my first ever script. Format etc. I could actually take this script in the direction you suggested however, I don't as yet feel confident enough in my ability to grab the reader. So I am gonna think about that one.

Many thanks for taking the time reading it.

G  :)

Wow!  Your first ever script!  Let me take a step back.

For a first script, it was great; maybe noble is a better term.

  It takes guts to throw it out there for others to comment on.

In the long haul, it's all subjective.  Someone may not like your best work.  Just shake it off and move on.

Onward!

JJ

Hey JJ, the Wow is on my part thanks for that. Not just my first scrip but I can't recall writing anything more than a crap story at school, some 40 odd years ago. If it wasn't for computers and spell check, I would never attempt this lol.

That point you made about a radical change, has left me thinking and I am going to start writing a sinister twist. Just got to learn how format flashbacks properly.

Cheers G

Hi Gary

Returning the read. I haven't read the others above.

As a side note, if you open a Dropbox account, and share the link, rather than posting a PDF you can make changes as you wish. It helps with being able to do quick changes.

As we go...

Beatz club and pub are different in my head.
How do we know they are reminiscing?
'Is' jacket
I personally don't like actions in to people we haven't met - e.g. Jane. It can happen but do it for really good reasons
Ing.. word and ly.. words - the script writers pet love and hate. Ok, the rule of thumb is use active verbs. He reads, rather than he is reading. But, when you get better, you will quickly - boom boom - see that this is rather narrow. Ing verbs can be dynamic, and show movement, e.g. He is reading until she enters the room...

Ly ending words - again can be effective but make sure they count.

Don't repeat - two confidently 's - remember you are read before you are filmed. Readers make judgements.

Man..I'm only at line nine. See how much there is. That's what I felt when I started.

John reaches into is jacket pocket. Confidently, takes out
his so called special coin. Glances at MARK, (28), run of
the mill type of guy. Nods in approval.

Beware awar of mixing action - here we have [1] jacket pocket [2] coin [3] glances [4] nods

First off, what coin!! No coin has been introduced. There is action close up, then between people. I prefer to separate these.

Remember we only know what we see.

MARK
                   (out loud)

No need for out loud - he talking

Down at the bottom of the page - learn to use mini slugs with moving around a room or single location.

If you have a scene title, otherwise known as a slug,  don't go into dialogue first, we need a scene setting - a touch of action, first

At this point I'm tired, so won't give detail. Let me read and give story feedback...

Ok...finished

On the plus side it's contained. A drama played out on the 'old drunken night out'.

The film world has the phrase, show don't tell. We don't see much, instead we learn most by words. Learn to do this differently, not always possible of course.

The bar scene is confusing. Be really clear who is where, and why.

Conclusion

This will never win an award but is the kind of script that is worth perfecting as it will help you tune in to format and scene management.

Happy to help more, and if you have and queries feel free to PM me.

Welcome board, nod don't worry bout needing to learn.

Ta

Some notes.

Lots of English and writing errors.  'your' is not 'you're'.  Don't change tense.  SPs are written in present tense.  Don't drop into past tense.  This needs a good edit.

The beginning is far too slow.  The idle chat doesn't advance things much.

The story is far too coincidental.  John is there, red-haired girl is there.  He happens to get sick. He happens to pick the wrong door.  The old man by the door is a writer's construct and not needed.  His phone won't work unless the red-haired babe calls.  This is not the way this type of story should be built.

You might try introducing the redhead earlier, on the street.  And she's not standoffish, she's alluring.  John thinks he's hit the jackpot and will follow this babe to hades if need be.  She gets him in the room, and instead of a phone, she ticks off the details.  If you want to add a bit of macabre, put in a manikin that looks exactly like her dead mother--just to spook John.  Toss in the dead parents, and you have something totally bizarre.  Just a thought.

In any case, read some good screenplays and pay attention to how they build suspense and surprise.

Best
Richard

Gazza, Richard makes all good points, (as does Bill) - staying in present tense being one important point of format  I was going to come back with.

Early morning here and I'm probably having a blonde moment, but Richard, what is an SP? (sp spelling?)

G, you've mentioned you're working on another version with a twist which I'll look forward to reading.

Two final points: Don't rely on spellcheck or equivalent to pick up 'you're, your, their, there, they're' errors.

And, I think you could come up with a more reflective (of your story & genre) title. Cries Of Courage sounds like I might open a battle or war story. That could be just me. Just throwing it out there. Give that some thought...I'll let you know if I think of an alt. :)

Hi Bill, (Reef Dreamer)

Bill,  thanks for the tip on creating a link to a PDF on dropbox, I am working on that now.

I don't know why you made reference to a club & pub, I only mention club in the script?

Your point about (how do we know they are reminiscing) is a good one BUT and this is more of a question, surely a writer can not show what a character is thinking in an action sequence but I have read a few scripts where they write that in.

A script you wrote, titled: Planes of Existence:it reads: (He scribbles down complicated formulas, his brain working overtime. Jake frowns, the answers don’t make sense)
How do we know his brain is working overtime? You can't show that. So I must admit I am confused. Isn't it a job of the director or whoever, to make certain things that we can't physically show, HAPPEN?

However, I have taken the reminiscing piece out now.

The coin bit you mentioned, has thrown me. Surely by me saying that John takes out a coin and tosses into the air, is introducing it?

Having said all that, this is my first script and I am by no means a writer but I do want to learn and become one so some of your comments I do take on board.

Cheers

Gary

Hi Richard, thanks for pointing out the typo's. I have no idea what you mean by SP's

Cheers

Gary

Hi Libby, thanks for your comments. I do see what you mean about the title. I'll think on that one.

Cheers

Gary

INT. BEATZ CLUB - LOBBY - NIGHT
Four friends mosey through the lobby. Reminiscing the last
hour in the pub.

FYI - the slug says club, the action says pub. Just saying they throw up different images.


'John reaches into is jacket pocket. Confidently, takes out
his so called special coin"

'His so called special coin' - its this part. As you say , we see a Coin brought out, but I doubt we could get it was his special coin.

You raise a could point about what we can infer from a scene and how as writers we get this across. The debate carries on.

Words which express meaning into an action are often called asides. They add extra detail that may not be easy to see. I believe they can be sued but wisely and not often.

In the desciptiom you use from Planes of Existence, I suppose the question is, could an actor scribble down formulas, look at them frown, an gently shake his head to express they don't make sense. I think they could convey this and for this reason I allowed myself that extra description. I'm not sure we would know the special coin unless seen in a special way.

Hope that makes sense. Feel free to ask anymore questions.

Cheers

Hi Bill, I have altered some of the points you have raised.
The version you are looking at is an old one. As you suggested, I have opened a dropbox account and have sent the link to Don, so hopefully the correct version will be displayed soon.

I really do appreciate your help and  comments.

Cheers

Gary

All,

I us SP for screenplay.  the shorthand makes it easier.

Best
Richard