Teddy Bear by Anthony Cawood - Short, Drama - An elderly immigrant moves to a new home on a quiet, suburban street. Will it be different this time or will he suffer the small minded bigotry that has dogged his entire life? 16 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Anthony,

I like how you set this up. Before we even knew what hit us, I was rolling my eyes at Janet's stupidity, both in her actions and dialogue -- maturer.

I don't know if this was intentional or not, but you have a lot of "buts" on those first two pages. Not really a big deal, but enough where I felt like I had to point it out.

Page 1 - your description of Alfred's bungalow has me confused. "A little run down but otherwise unremarkable." Now, wouldn't run down translate as unremarkable anyway? Just wondering.

Enjoyed the characterizations. Pretty fluid, natural dialogue. Just realized that Pat was smoking a vape. She's a little older, and she's doing something to improve her health -- I'll assume Pat used to be a smoker. Kinda gives you the idea right there that Pat is the more reasonable of the group. Nice.

Oh, and pretty interesting choice of naming one of the children Ebony. Wondering if that was intentional too, or is that a common girl's name in the U.K.

I guess if I had to pick something out then...

SPOILERS

I'd have to go with your ending. Not that I disliked it, but I wonder if you needed to use such violence to drive home a point like this. She's using a spade, right? That can do -- and does -- some damage. And you showed it all too. Was there really a need for a shock factor like that in a morality tale that, to this point, has been rated PG?

Just my opinion, but would you consider Janet using a shovel, perhaps? Don't ask me why, I'm not sure. Just a less lethal gardening tool that is made lethal by Janet's error. And also, as opposed to actually showing the violence and blood, I think it'd be more impactful if you were to focus instead on the madness on her face, in her eyes as she brings the shovel down again. And again. Then perhaps show a quick shot of Alfred motionless on the ground. I don't think you'd want a story like this to be that graphic. But anyway...

That's just me. Like it a lot the way you have it.

Steve

Thanks Steven, appreciate the feedback and insights, and glad you liked the script.

The violence of the ending was meant to be an externalisation of the ignorant vitriol she has pent up inside, but completely take your point that it is in contrast to the rest of the script... may tone it down a little in the re-write.

Thanks

Anthony  

Hi Anthony, I enjoyed this and I was wondering where this was going. Nice ending but I tend to agree with,  Steven in that a less lethal ending would have had the same impact.

I know this sort of thing does happen in the world but for me, If it was one blow knocking Alfred to the ground with a gash in his head then Ben shouting out and explaining to his mother what Alfred was actually trying to do, then showing the horror on Janet's face when she realises, would have made for a bigger impact as opposed to just another death.

Still great job though.

Hi Gary and many thanks for the read, really appreciated.

Hmm, Janet realising she's made a mistake... my view of her character is that she is the type that don't admit she's wrong... even when her actions are too extreme... this was my observation of the few days post Brexit and some people's reactions.

Violence, yep noted, will re-consider for re-write.

Cheers

Anthony

Was a solid, easy read. You might get more mileage out of making Janet a little tougher and more devious. The way Pat easily overpowers her during their confrontation doesn't allow for as much tension.

Like here:

Quoted Text JANET No? But, but...

**Maybe something like "Please, enlighten us." Just some kind of biting sarcasm instead of immediately crumbling.

And then later on:

Quoted Text PAT That's such bullshit. JANET (flustered) No, he is, John knows the estate agent. PAT I'm sure he is, I'm calling bullshit on it mattering.

**She's just winning this too easily with overwhelming force. I'd rather see Janet get the upper hand for a bit at this point. Or consider cutting this part and going straight into Pat's comments about John. The comment about Janet's husband is basically Pat calling bullshit on the whole thing. Not sure if she needs to specifically say she's calling bullshit before that.


Overall, I thought you were gonna take this in the direction of Janet getting under Pat's skin and in the end it'd be Pat who makes a horrible misjudgement - some message about societal influences and implicit bias. In the end, I think your way is better. Janet's a miserable person and her ignorance leads to a horrible act. It's brutally effective and still shocking.

Thanks for the read Mark, much appreciated (and congrats on OWC)...

Glad you liked the script and the ay I took it.

Re Janet and Pat, I wanted to have Janet as someone who leads the pack of those with lower IQs but struggles if challenged by someone with a slighter higher intelect, but you make good points so I'll re-look in the re-write.

Many thanks

Some notes.

How did I know this one would end in blood?  good job.  The dialogue is solid.  All the payoffs have setups, and the timing, well, timing is everything, isn't it?  

Well done.  I think you might add more to the gossip surrounding Alfred.  He's a child rapist, a killer, someone with a new government identity, mafia, etc.  And the teddy bear should inspire more speculation--it's a talisman, a familiar because he's a worlock, the only thing he took home from the gulag.  You get the picture.  And an odd habit can't hurt.  He walks at night or pushes a baby carriage with no baby.  hmmm

But well done.

Best
Richard

Me, end a script in blood - that never happens ;-)

Anyway, thanks for the read Richard, appreciated... I like the idea of more gossip and more calling out about the teddy. I've specifically avoided anything that could be construed as weird or odd for Alfred, as mentioned this was prompted by what some people did post-Brexit vote, with no provocation...

But glad you liked it and thanks or the insights for the re-write.

Anthony  

I enjoyed this for exactly what it was.  

At first, I thought maybe there was something in the food that the kid ate, and that Alfred really was a killer.  But I think it worked better the way you did it!  

I don't have much of an opinion on the rest.  I thought it was a good story and just enjoyed the read.

Nolan

A,
Thanks for the trip across the ocean.    "Curby"?  Kiddie Fiddlers?  mollycoddle?  Figured those out but  I wasn't sure about the "cotton wool" agreeing?

Enjoyable read.  Three strikes and your out (World Series going on).  One would have sufficed maybe and then a bit of sucking up from Janet to Alfred.  I'm a happy ending guy but "There Will Be Blood" worked.

Admire your courage with the description of Holly; very Donald Trumpish. May want to soften?

I have to tell you, not that it matters, I don't care if the King and Queen of Albania moved into my neighborhood.  If  they hung anything but a holiday decoration from the eave of their front porch, every neighbor would know why from the get go.  Evil spirits or no evil spirits.  

Your dialogue, was superb.  Short, succinct, truthful to the character descriptions.  It's what really made the script work for me.

Jolly Good (sorry)
JJ

Nolan - many thanks, really glad you liked it.

JJ - Cotton wool comment, was a play on 'wrapping someone in cotton wool', a saying that implies you are over protective. Glad the script worked for you and pleased the dialogue came over as truthul to the characters - cant ask for better than that.

Many thanks

I was going to check this out but I get a 'page not found'?

Hmm, something awry with the SR link - try this whilst I get the other fixed...

https://www.dropbox.com/s/x7tni569zha9omb/Teddy%20Bear.pdf?dl=0

Love to know what you think.

Anthony

Don has fixed the link - tx Don!